


Have I Found You or Lost You?

by markwardos



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Domestic, Domestic Fluff, Eventual Smut, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, I'm bad at tags, M/M, Military, Missing in Action
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-11
Updated: 2020-04-24
Packaged: 2021-02-26 00:07:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 62,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21754234
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/markwardos/pseuds/markwardos
Summary: Eddie Diaz has been MIA after a mission gone wrong for the last five years and assumed dead. When he finally comes home to the man he loved and a son no longer the three-year-old he was when Eddie last saw him, it seems as if he's walked right into a life that's moved on without him, and might not fit into anymore.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 98
Kudos: 564





	1. A Life Gone On

Over the past five years, Eddie himself had begun to wonder if he even existed anymore. The pain came so often and constant that he wasn’t sure there was any other state. And it had been years since he’d known anything but the torturous prison. But in flickers of sanity when the pain wasn’t clouding his mind entirely to all else he remembered the smile of his son so bright and his ringing laugh. And then he remembers a smile and a pair of blue eyes possibly just as bright, and how both felt like sunlight. How once touches were gentle and that ached too. The memory, and the fact that the memory now seemed a dream, one out of reach and never to be had.

When rescue finally came he was certain that was a dream too. He wasn’t exactly clear for the first two months of being free, and when he came to it had been for short periods. He had really only been truly alert for the past week. He was pleased that much of his physical wounds seemed to have healed while he was out of it. During that week, most of the questions were ones about what had happened, who he remembered. They didn’t seem to want to answer any of his questions though. Four days in when he really started to get fed up with their questions, with no answers in return he started withholding.

That’s when they smiled and assured him Buck and Christopher were fine, and he’d be going home soon and would see them again. There was something secretive in their smile though.

When he finally landed in Texas his eyes searched for Buck and Christopher but he only found his parents and sisters and various other family members who clutched to him and kissed him all over not letting him get many words out.

It wasn’t until they were at the car that he finally could get anything more than sobs and prayers from any of them.

“Where’s Buck and Christopher?” He asked for what felt like the hundredth time.

His parent's mouths formed into a thin line and exchanged a look that made his stomach drop.

“Mom?” He said, “Where are Buck and Christopher?”

“Well you see honey, you were MIA and they said you were dead, there was no body obviously, but they said you were dead. You can imagine how everyone reacted,” his mother said.

His father huffed and sounded annoyed as he said, “About three years ago he left Texas. We, of course, tried to get him to stay, but he was adamant. Taking our grandson away, not even his son,” his father began before his mother shushed him.

“He left?” Eddie asked.

“Yes, said he couldn’t handle being in Texas anymore. Too many memories. As if we all weren’t living it too, and wanting to help. But he kept going on about a job, and not wanting to live in a haunted town anymore. Selfish if you ask me, taking our grandson after we had recently lost our son,” his father went on.

“Honey, he had lost Eddie too, people deal differently. He thought it’d be better for both him and Christopher,” his mother said as the voice of some reason.

“Where’d he go? Pennsylvania?” Eddie asked thinking he must have gone back to Maddie, but then again there was a rough going there too if he remembered with her husband.

“No, Los Angeles, got a job as a firefighter. Said it made him truly feel useful. Fires in Texas, but no, Los Angeles is the best department, and of course, he wanted to getaway. The job was just an excuse still,” his father scoffed.

“Have you told him?” Eddie asks.

“Don’t have his number, we have an address thanks to the Christmas cards, otherwise we probably wouldn’t have that either. Haven’t seen either of them in three years,” his father complained.

When he got home he didn’t take much time to take in the surroundings, his and Buck’s house had been sold. And he just wanted to see Buck and Christopher, get to them, so he stared hard at his mother as she dug out a small pile of three Christmas cards and handed it to him.

His heart dropped instantly as he saw Buck and Christopher, both older than he’d last seen them. With Buck, the change wasn’t drastic, but Christopher was so big now. His smile still bright and everything about him as perfect as he remembered. Buck despite not looking much different seemed to have something lingering behind his eyes. His eyes didn’t look as lively or teasing. It was like there was something in pain behind them, a ghost lingering behind them, and taking the very best of them. And while his smile while obviously real, as he had his arms around Christopher, it looked less wide and relaxed than he recalled.

All of Christmas cards were slightly different, matching sweaters in all three, but taken in different places or poses.

One had them with Santa, with Christopher on his lap laughing as Buck was crouched beside them, a Santa hat on his head, and Christopher clutching his arm.

Another was them on a Christmas tree farm in the snow, in front of a big tree, with Christopher on Buck’s shoulders, again laughing.

The last of the bunch was in front of a Christmas tree in a living room with Christopher in between Buck’s spread legs and clutched to his chest, their smiles were brightest in that one.

He ached just looking at them and instantly flipped them over to look at the address and said, “Mom, take me to a car rental place, I need to go out there.”

“Oh Eddie, but you just got back and we’ve missed you. And you’d be a big shock to them.”

“Mom, I need to see Buck and I need to see my son,” Eddie said seriously.

She seemed to read his eyes before nodding and taking him to rent a car. 

He drove straight to LA with no stop even though he’d had a long day, he needed to get to Buck and Christopher.

When he got to the address it seemed to be a townhome, there were kids running around and the neighborhood seemed good. Of course, you hear the worst things about LA but he knew that Buck would pick only the safest place.

He felt his stomach twist nervous, he knew anything could have changed, so much already had been made clear to him. And it would be a shock, but he needed to see them in person, needed a chance to hold them.

He found the door and hesitated in front of it. It was noon on a weekday, and it was unlikely Christopher or Buck was even there. Buck was probably at work, and Christopher was at school. He was getting ready to retreat when the door opened, but instead of Buck, it was Maddie.

Her eyes widened and she gasped and seemed to shake her head as if trying to awaken, “Eddie?”

“Maddie?” He said stunned as well, though certainly not as much, after all, she hadn’t been declared as good as dead.

Her arms sprang forward to wrap around him and clutch him, “You’re here? Really, oh my God, they said...oh my God.”

“Yeah, I’m here,” he couldn’t think of much else to say but that.

She invited him in quick and they were quiet as she got him a drink and he sat on the couch. He looked around and saw various pictures. Christopher younger, when he had been around, a good couple of him or him and Christopher, him and Buck, or all three of them. And many news ones of Christopher and Christopher and Buck.

Maddie sat down slowly and said, “I assume you saw your parents.”

“Yeah,” Eddie said.

“It wasn’t an easy decision for him, and he wasn’t forgetting about you or leaving you behind or trying to be cruel,” Maddie said. “He just couldn’t stay there, I think it was eating him alive. Texas wasn’t home for him like you, it was home but because it was the home because of you. Without you he felt like he was just buried in it, it was healthy for him to move, and what was healthy for him was healthy for Christopher. They’re happy here,” Maddie seemed to defend Buck.

“I know Maddie. I don’t blame him. It’s been five years and they said I was dead, and you’re right Texas wasn’t home for him. Home was me and Christopher, and this seems like a good place,” Eddie said.

Maddie nodded and said, “Sorry, it’s just him and your parents aren’t exactly on the best of terms anymore.”

Eddie nodded and said, “How long have you been here?”

“Three months. I left...Doug, so I’ve been rooming with the two of them. I worried about them too, Doug wouldn’t let me...but Christopher goes to a great school. You know Buck, only the best for Christopher, works his but off to afford it, even with insurance, but Christopher has to have the very best. Pretty sure if that little boy didn't have the sweetest heart and temperament he'd be spoiled, but he's such an amazing kid. And when Buck’s not around he’s got me or Carla, who is a great home health aide. Even your Abuela sees him on occasion.”

Eddie nodded and sighed as he looked around, “So I’m going to come in like a wrecking ball and ruin everything huh?”

“No!” Maddie said grabbing his wrist, “Sure it’s a shock but God Eddie they miss you every day. They talk about you every day. Buck makes sure of it, he never wanted you to not be a huge part of Christopher's life. You were the best thing to ever happen to him, so he’s happy to do it. You coming back doesn’t ruin things, it’ll be rough I’m sure, but over not having you it’s no question.”

Eddie nodded weakly and said, “Christopher’s gotten so big, and it’s been so long.”

“They love you, Eddie. They could never stop that,” Maddie assures him.

Eddie hates it but he sniffles and says, “When do they get home?”

Maddie stands and says, “Normally six, Carla normally brings Christopher home at three but we shouldn’t do that I think. And Buck would want to see you as soon as possible, I will get them both here. I won’t tell them and I’ll meet them out there to try and prepare them both.”

Eddie nodded weakly as she got on the phone and a few minutes later she said, “He’s coming home now and getting Christopher.”

“What did you say?”

“That I needed him home now, and that he needed to get Christopher cause I had to talk to him about something, and it could not wait. I used the voice I used on him as a kid when I was about to smack him if he questioned me,” Maddie says.

Eddie laughs softly and nods, they talk a little about her, how she’s got a job as a 911 operator now, and her life here now. She’s dating a firefighter that Buck works with named Chim.

Her phone buzzes and she springs up and exiting the townhouse quickly without another word.


	2. Shock to the System / Buck

Buck is scared, what could it be that she needs Christopher and him home right away. She had used her scary voice, and she refused to tell him exactly what. He’s rushing up the walkway with Christopher in his arms instead of letting him work his crutches on his own.

Even stranger she meets him outside and there’s something anxious in her eyes.

“Maddie, what’s wrong? What was the hurry?” Buck asks.

He thinks perhaps it’s about Abuela, maybe that’s why it was necessary or one of Eddie’s parents, if she needs both him and Christopher.

But this seems worse cause she smiles weakly and has him put down Christopher and asks him to go play while she talks to him.

She grabs his hands and pulls him aside and he feels really sick now, “Maddie what is it?”

“Buck...Eddie he...they found him...he’s not dead,” Maddie says softly.

Buck goes still and he swallows cause he feels like he’s going to throw up and he starts to crumble but Maddie won’t let him, she’s holding him as he keeps his back to Christopher not wanting him to see him crying.

“He’s...he’s alive...he’s alive and they found him,” he stutters.

“Yes, and…” Maddie begins but he doesn’t let her finish before he’s asking another question.

“Is he coming home to Texas? When is he...is he okay?” Buck asks.

“He’s good. He is. They...they didn’t have your number. He came home,” Maddie says.

Buck really feels sick now and says, “Oh God, he came home and we weren’t there. I left him, he thinks we forgot about him, and left,” Buck panics.

“He doesn’t, he doesn’t think that. Buck, he’s,” Maddie says.

“What am I supposed to do or say to Christopher? What do I say to him when we go down there?” Buck sobs into her shoulder.

“Buck he’s not in Texas, he’s here...he’s inside…”

Buck chokes on a sob and looks up at the house and says, “He’s here...he’s inside...oh my God...Maddie what do I…”

“Buck, you need to focus on Christopher, the Eddie part is not the problem. He is not upset, he just needs the two of you, and you need to get Christopher ready, and you need to calm down.”

Buck swallows and nods and wipes his tears, he hasn’t always been strong, but he’s always been strong when it comes to Christopher. He takes a deep breath before moving over to Christopher and smiling softly. Christopher smiles back up at him brightly before pausing and touching Buck’s cheek, “Dad...why are you sad?”

“I’m not. I’m not sad baby, I just I need to tell you something. It’s good news, I’m just shocked,” Buck assures Christopher.

Christopher looks at him curiously and nods and says, “Okay, you can tell me, dad. It’ll be okay. Whatever it is. You and me together, right?” Christopher asks.

It’s something Buck always says to Christopher as an assurance, for anything hard, new, sad, big, or happy they do it together. They’ve got each other always.

Buck nods back and says, “You and me together.”

  
He shifts a little as he kneels in the grass in front of Christopher and he says, “You know how Daddy went to Afghanistan and those military men came to tell us that he was lost and probably never coming back.”

“Yeah,” Christopher said sadly shifting from the memory.

“Well they were wrong, they found him, Christopher. They found daddy,” Buck says.

Christopher smiles but he’s crying and he hugs tightly to Buck and lets out a soft cry into his shoulder, “They found him? They really found him?”

“Yeah, they found him, baby,” he says hugging Christopher tightly and running a hand through his curls.

“Where is he? Is he okay?” Christopher asks pulling back to look into Buck’s face.

Buck smiles softly and says, “Yeah, he’s okay baby. Aunt Maddie’s seen him, and he’s right inside, so we get to see him too.”   
  


Christopher smiles brightly and looks back at the house and rocks in Buck’s arms a bit and starts pulling on him gently, “Let's go, dad, let's go see daddy.”

Buck nods and lets go of Christopher instead guiding him up the walkway and into the house.

The air leaves him when he sees Eddie who stands to get off the couch. Their eyes lock and he aches, wants to crumble there, grovel at his feet and apologize for not staying in Texas, waiting for him to come home. It feels now like he gave up on him. Like h moved on and didn't look back, and he hates himself for it. Hates himself for not being stronger, for not believing in Eddie more?

“Daddy,” Christopher shouts and rushes forward, straight into Eddie’s arms. Eddie lifts him and Buck can see he’s crying as he clutches their son, kissing his cheeks.

“Christopher,” he hears Eddie whisper.

He can't bring himself to move from his spot, not far from the doorway. He doesn't deserve to be held the way he's holding Christopher. He doesn't want to have this and wake up to it being a dream. But then be hind him, he feels a hard prod and looks back to see Maddie giving him a look, or rather the look.

'You get over there and hug him right now' the looks says, and slowly he hesitates as he steps forward.


	3. As Our Worlds Move On / Eddie

Eddie feels some of the ache and emptiness relieve itself the minute Christopher rushes into his arms. He clutches him close and holds him tightly, as Christopher hugs him back tightly and keeps repeating, ‘Daddy’ over and over again.

He looks up though to see Buck hesitating in the doorway and it makes him ache hard, for he instantly thinks it’s because he’s ruined the life the two have been building up without him. That Buck has healed over him, moved on, no longer wants him. He doesn’t need him the way a son needs his father. And Buck’s eyes look pained, not the foggy sort that lingered in the Christmas cards, but a pain that is crystal clear and fully formed in the crystal blue hues of his iris.

And Eddie almost lets him stay away, but God he’s selfish and he needs Buck in his arms even if Buck no longer wants or needs him. So he moves the distance, switching Christopher to one arm, and grabbing Buck with the other.

Buck seems to let out a held breath the second Eddie touches him and just crumbles into him, his face buried in his shoulder, and his fingers wrapped tightly around his shirt. He can feel Buck crying against him, sobbing, hiding it from Christopher, and he understands that. Understands having to be strong in front of their son, and he pains to think of how Buck has had to do nothing but that for the past five years.

He gets himself and them to the couch and just holds them tightly against him, Maddie seemingly disappearing to let them have their moment.

The moment lasts forever, just clinging and a few words that are repeated over and over. Christopher just keeps saying, 'Daddy' and sometimes an, 'I missed you.' And he says back, 'I love you' and Christopher’s name again and again. Buck keeps whispering his name and 'sorry' and 'you’re here' like he needs the constant self-assurance. And Eddie whispers Buck’s name back, and 'I love you, I’m here.'

Christopher falls asleep with another ‘Daddy’ on his lips, and Buck is still shaking against him. On occasion, he stops but that’s followed by a hard shudder not long after just as Eddie thinks he might have stopped or fallen asleep.

Eddie pulls Buck tighter against him when Christopher is sleep. He needs to see his face and pushes it up his chin to stared into Buck’s face, and his eyes are filled with tears, the rims around his eyes, and his cheeks, burning red, and he looks so pained.

“I’m sorry Eddie, I’m so sorry,” Buck whimpers.

“You don’t need to be,” Eddie assures.

But Buck shakes his head and buries it in Eddie’s shoulder and begins muttering, “You’re here,” again.

“I’m here,” Eddie breathes back rubbing Buck’s back.

And even while Buck clings to him, and holds onto him so tightly, he can’t help but wonder. Wonder if Buck has gotten over him. Maybe he loves him, but just in the way you’ll always love some who was so important in your life at one point, or maybe he loves him in the way you will always love the person who is a co-parent to your child. A mix of the way he feels about Shanon, she died giving birth to Christopher but it seemed unlikely they would have lasted then either, if not for only that he was already in love with Buck. But he knows he’ll always love her in those two ways. And maybe now that Eddie has been gone so long and Buck has had to move on, he now feels that way.

For Buck is clinging to him, but it’s like he’s not here, Buck’s somewhere else. There’s no sort of intensity to his touch. Just a tight grip, when Eddie burns inside for the gentle touches Buck used to give him. The ones he’d get the night he came back from deployment after all the hugs and kisses had been had and Christopher was in bed.

How Buck’s fingers would press so gently into his skin and he’d whisper the words he is now, ‘You’re here’, in assurance. But then Buck had whispered them against his lips, his fingers moving so gently along his skin that the touch could most certainly belong to no one but Buck. How his lips would move down along his skin and pay extra attention to any new scar. It made it feel like the scar disappeared, replaced instead with the memory that Buck’s lips had been there.

He had so many new ones, and he needed Buck to kiss them clean, turn what felt dirty, broken and tainted into what only he was capable of achieving, into something pure, right, and whole.

Christopher was fast asleep, and Eddie didn’t know whether Buck was awake or asleep, he had gone mostly silent, but he shuddered in his arms and his grip remained tight around his shirt every few minutes. 

Maddie remade an appearance and smiled sadly, she walked over slowly and seemed to watch her brothers body carefully before she spoke softly, “He’s asleep. He...he does that now. Well, they both do sort of, shudder, shift, and move in their sleep.”

Eddie nods sadly and runs his fingers through Buck’s hair and says, “I did this to them. I broke them too. Maybe I’m breaking them more now.”

“No, Eddie, you didn’t break them. The people who took you from them, who hurt you, who hurt all of you, and if any of you are broken they did that. Not you. You’ll all be okay though, it’s like Christopher and Buck say now. Together, anything big, happy, sad, new, or hard, you do together. It’s how they get through everything and assure each other that they can, cause they’ll do it together. And all of you will do this together too, you’ve got each other, and it’s all you’re going to need.”   
  


Eddie nods softly and Maddie says, “You should wake him, you all need to just lay down in bed. Really.”

Eddie frowns and says, “They should both sleep, besides I...I want them both right here.”

“They’ll be in your arms there too, come on,” Maddie says and slowly reaches over and picks up Christopher who doesn’t stir and just lays asleep against her shoulder. Gently she rubs Buck’s shoulder and whispers, “Buck, Buck, get up.”   
  


Buck wakes up with a start and looks around, his eyes landing on Eddie and widening as if he had been so certain it had all been a dream. They’re staring up at him and he feels his hands shift against him.

“Come on Buck, you should all go to bed,” Maddie says.

Buck gives her a glance before nodding and pulling himself up though his eyes remain on Eddie and he doesn’t move till Eddie’s on his feet too. He shuffles in front of Eddie all the way to the bedroom as if making sure Eddie remains near and not far behind. It’s comforting in a way, at least to Eddie.

Maddie lays Christopher in the large bed, and Christopher rolls to the side, cheek settling against the pillow as Buck stumbles to the dresser, and Maddie retreats soon after with a short kiss on all of their cheeks.

Eddie can’t help but watch as Buck pulls off his shirt and jeans and changes into a clean tee shirt and sweats. His eyes look back to meet Eddie’s and he sees him blush before turning to dig through his drawers and pulling out another pair of sweats and a tee-shirt that looks familiar.

He hands them to Eddie and whispers, “They’re yours.”

And Eddie aches knowing that Buck kept them, that he probably slept in them, or clung to them, to feel like he had him here when he wasn’t.

Eddie changes into them, and he can tell Buck’s worn them, cause his scent lingers in the clothing. 

He watches Buck crawl into the bed and press his lips to Christopher’s forehead, and pull him to his chest. He imagines this happens often, that the pair end up asleep in the same bed for comfort. That sometimes the night is too much for one or both of them and they end up cuddled next to each other.

Eddie tries to figure out where to lay, to shove between them seems cruel, he could lay on Christopher’s other side, but it feels much too far from Buck. So he goes for what he wants, he lays beside Buck pulling him in close. He feels Buck draw in a breath and just as Eddie begins to wonder if perhaps he no longer fits here, no longer has a place, Buck’s arm reaches behind him and pulls his around him and Christopher.

Eddie shuts his eyes tightly for a moment in a slight bit of relief. Relief from the simple act of being pulled in. He dips his face into Buck’s neck breathing him in, happy as his familiar scent fills him up. Strong and pleasant in his nostrils, and only tied to home.

He feels himself linger in wakefulness, feeling unable to shut his eyes now. He struggled with it back in the hospital once he came to. Afraid when he woke up he’d be right back where he’d been before. But now it’s even more difficult because this is even more difficult to give up if it's all a dream. Buck and Christopher in his arms again, safe.

He can’t even remember when he fell asleep, waking up when he feels movement beside him, his eyes opening to see Christopher climbing over Buck who groans lightly as Christopher wedges himself between him and Eddie.

Eddie lets out a soft chuckle and rubs Christopher’s side as he locks an arm around Eddie’s waist, and hides his face in his chest.

Buck stirs slightly and rolls over, eyes still shut, as his arm reaches out for Christopher, his hand stilling with a sort of calm once he finds him there. But as his hand extends it meets Eddie’s arm and he feels it still in uncertainty. Eddie watches Buck’s eyes open wide and take Eddie in with a bit of shock, then realization. Slowly he feels Buck’s fingers drag gently down his arm, before he sighs, and shuts his eyes carefully. Buck’s eyes open again slowly and stare back at him, as his fingers wind around his wrist.

It was little things like this that had always lit Eddie up from inside, making his stomach do backflips. It made him feel like he used to like nothing had changed, it made him feel so much younger than he was. It felt the way it had the first time he’d felt Buck grab ahold of him. It’d made his blood rush when it shouldn’t have. It was too simple to make his heartbeat like a drum in his chest, and his skin feel like it was pressed against a space heater.  It hadn’t helped that he was with Shannon either when he'd felt that way, felt it the first time.


	4. The Sun Before the Burn / Flashback

He hated to admit it to himself most of the time. The fact that he’d loved Buck before Shannon had died. It filled him with guilt. But he’d felt something the day he met Buck, and it had only grown in the five months between the time he met Buck and the day Christopher was born and Shannon died.

It had been in the gas station most of the people under twenty-one hung out around in his town. Buck had walked in spinning his keys around his finger and as he walked over to the beverage cooler and pulled out a Pepsi before taking it up to the register.

There had been something about him, something that made him speak up from the place he’d been sitting on the ice cooler.

“Where you from?” Eddie had asked.

Buck had looked at him a little startled before saying, “What?”

“Where are you from? Obviously not from here, so where?”

“Pennsylvania.”

“That’s far. Where are you going?”

“Don’t know, maybe Mexico,” Buck answered.

“You know spring break isn’t for another six months almost right?”

“Not going for spring break.”

“Drugs then?”   
  


“What?”

“Normally the only time people your age come around here heading to Mexico. For spring break or drugs.”

“Well it’s neither of those,” Buck had said sounding annoyed.

“Then why?”

“I don’t know. Figured I’d just go.”

“I don’t think you know where you’re going or what you’re doing,” Eddie said.

“Maybe, but it seems as good a place as any to figure it out.”

Eddie shrugged and said, “So you’re driving through.”

“I guess. I spent a few nights at the motel across the street,” Buck answered.

“And now you’re going?”

“Maybe.”

Eddie laughed and stood up and wrote his name and address on a piece of paper and said, “Well if you end up staying longer, you can find me here. You can hang out with a few of my friends and me, while you’re figuring out if you’re gonna go to Mexico or not.”

After that Buck had just slid into his life, Shannon had enjoyed having him around. He practically slept on Eddie’s couch and had been there to help throughout Shannon’s pregnancy. He was always the first to jump to his feet if Shannon needed something from the kitchen or the store.

Eddie had been jealous, at first he thought it was because he thought Buck might be trying to get with Shannon, but it’d actually been that he didn’t particularly like Buck’s time being taken up by anyone but him. He got grumpy when Shannon and Buck would go out into town, shopping for baby clothes or just hanging out while he was working at the diner, cause most of the time Buck would sit down at the counter for his whole shift, just talking to him while he worked. At night Buck worked at the bar, and Eddie did much the same as Buck and just sat there chatting with him while he worked. As much as he could without being totally absent from Shannon.

He was in a particularly bad mood when Shannon and Buck had spent the past four days out and about with each other. They’d bought a crib, toys, so many cases of diapers with money Buck made from a bachelorette party the night before. And they had been laughing and looking too close when he’d come home.

So he’d stormed into the bar that night once he had the chance after going out to get Shannon a pack of Oreos she was craving.

“Hey Eddie,” Buck had said happily the moment he walked in.

“Don’t hey Eddie me, whatever is going on between you and Shannon ends right fucking now,” Eddie fumed.

“What?” Buck had said looking stunned.

“You and Shannon,” Eddie began before Buck was coming out from behind the bar and grabbing his wrist and dragging him to the bathroom.

Eddie had planned to rip his arm away, but the second Buck’s fingers secured around his wrist his pulse felt like it might pound through his skin and the whole area felt hot. All of which was more concerning than ripping his hand away it seemed. 

Buck locked the door behind them and said, “What the hell are you going on about?”

“You and Shannon, whatever it is your doing. Flirting with her, going out with her all the time and doing stuff together without me, stops now,” Eddie hisses.

Buck is staring at him wide-eyed and says, “Nothing is going on with me and Shannon, Eddie come on.”

“No, you are close and always doing things that she and I should be doing together, and you spent the last four days with her instead of at the diner,” Eddie said seemingly revealing part of the real reason he was so angry.

“Eddie,” Buck says and leans against the sink, “there’s nothing between me and Shannon. I mean she’s and good person and nice, but I was only helping to make things easier for you.”

“What?”

“You’re my best friend Eddie, I stayed in El Paso for you, I help with all the baby stuff and hang out with Shannon for you. Couples are a package deal, especially when you live on their couch. You don’t exactly just come in and say hey I just want to hang out with your husband. You learn this stuff after a while.”

Eddie shifted and said, “You’re doing all this for me.”

“Yeah.”

“And you don’t like Shannon?”

“I mean, I like her, she’s fine, but not like that. There’s nothing like that going on and there wouldn’t be in a million years,” Buck said.

Eddie nodded and shifted in front of Buck and said, “You have to come to the diner at least every other day.”

Buck seemed to smile a bit, “Okay, I will, promise,” Buck said stepping forward and running his fingers along his wrist.

The feeling sent shivers down his spine, but a comfortable feeling he wanted so desperately to sink into, but he couldn’t.

Buck was always there, always. He’d come there and sunk in like some force had known Eddie would need him, and need him even more not too long after.

When Christopher was born he was there too, helping Shannon into the hospital and making her laugh as she went through labor. Issues arose though when it was time to push, the baby just wouldn’t come, and got stuck on the way out. It was hard on Shannon and seemed to last forever. When Christopher finally came, Shannon had been weak and the doctors had to take Christopher. Eddie couldn’t leave Shannon though, so Buck had gone with the other doctors to watch over Christopher.

The doctors had checked Christopher over, got him stable and everything had seemed fine. Buck felt relief wash over him the minute they said Christopher was alright. Buck marveled at him, he was the cutest little thing, wiggling about in his blanket as the doctor handed him over to him.

Buck was absolutely in love right then and there, charmed by the little boy whose hand wrapped around his finger. He had hurried back so ready for Shannon and Eddie to see how beautiful their little boy was.

But when he walked in he saw Eddie with his head down crying, holding Shannon’s limp hand.

Buck went stiff and held the baby closer, “Eddie…” he whispered.

Eddie had lifted his head to look at him and shook his head and said, “They couldn’t. It was just too much. Buck…”

Buck had moved quickly to Eddie’s side, moving Christopher to one arm and wrapping the other around Eddie who collapsed into his chest sobbing.

It was the first time Buck got to hold both Christopher and Eddie in his arms, and it had been then that he fully realized that his one purpose in life would to always be there for both of them.

Eddie rubbed his face against Buck’s shoulder and looked at Christopher in Buck’s arms and said, “Buck, how am I supposed to do this alone? I’m not enough for him, I was barely ready to do this before, and now?”

“Hey, you can do this. You’re you, Eddie, you can do this, and you’re not alone. I’m not much, but I’ll be there for both of you, and you’ve got family. It’ll be alright. I’m not saying it’ll be easy, but we’ll do it.”

Eddie looked up at Buck and pressed closer to Buck, resting his head against his chest as he gently reached over and ran his fingers along Christopher’s small arm, and smiled sadly, “He’s beautiful.”

“Yeah, he really is. He’s so perfect Eddie,” Buck says, shifting and saying, “Here, you should hold him.”

“He looks comfortable there. We both are,” he whispers.

Buck felt his chest fill and said, “Here, just hold him, I wanna see you two together.”

Eddie rolls his eyes a bit before taking Christopher int his arms, looking down at him and sighing with a soft smile.

Buck moved behind Eddie and without prodding Eddie said back into Buck’s arms, clutching Christopher close. “Thank you, Buck, for everything. For staying the first time and now.”

Buck nodded and said, “Always.”

Life after that became a developed routine, them both taking care of Christopher, Buck had him during the day, and often just came by the diner with him, and Eddie watched as Buck talked nonstop to Christopher and, his son stared up at Buck with wide blue eyes with love and amazement.

At night, Eddie had Christopher, no longer going to the bar of course, but since babies weren’t exactly the best at sleeping, he was often up when Buck came in at three am. Buck was annoyingly good with Christopher, to the point where when Buck strolled in at 3 am and Christopher was crying, all it took was Buck sweeping Christopher in his arms and cooing, “What’s wrong Christopher” and then recounting his night to a child who was only a few months and had no idea what he was saying. Eddie rolled his eyes cause Buck always managed to act like he was having a really intense conversation with Christopher.

“So this guy comes up and orders a drink, and he asks for the most expensive whiskey, and then he ruins it with four ice cubes,” Buck says holding Christopher in his arms and talking animatedly.

Christopher makes a soft cooing noise and Buck huffs and responds, “I know right? Absolutely ridiculous huh?”

This sort of back and forth goes on for about ten minutes before Christopher falls to sleep in Buck’s arms seemingly out of nowhere.

As he and Buck put Christopher down in his crib Eddie laughs softly and says, “You sure know how to bore him to sleep with your stories.”

“How dare you, my stories are amazing, and he doesn’t fall asleep till right as I’m finishing, cause he finds them so riveting,” Buck protests, tucking Christopher in.

They both kiss Christopher good night, and lately, Eddie can’t help but want to turn to Buck and curl his fingers in the collar of his shirt, and pull him down and kiss him goodnight too.

But every night, they say good night and walk off to their separate areas. Buc to the pullout couch, and Eddie to bed.

Eddie realizes how lucky he is to have Buck who loves Christopher as much as he does. Who cares about him too, and is so dedicated to helping him. Buck pretends it’s not the case and that he’s just a light sleeper and that’s why he always beats him to take care of Christopher when he cries at night, or sometimes even gets there before it wakes Eddie, but Eddie knows he sleeps with a baby monitor tucked underneath him. All to ensure Eddie gets sleep.

His family adores Christopher, and it’s his sister who comes to his side during Christmas, where he’s standing watching Buck holding Christopher in his lap while his aunt snaps pictures of Christopher smiling, something Buck is really good at getting him to do.

“You three seem to have a good thing going,” his sister says.

“Yeah, Buck makes everything so much easier,” Eddie sighs happily.

“He really loves Christopher.”

“Yeah, and Christopher really loves him. Think I’m gonna have to step in soon though, cause I think Christopher’s starting to develop some favoritism for him.”

“You love him too.”

“My son, yeah of course I do,” Eddie says.

“Buck.”

“Huh?”

“You love Buck too,” his sister repeats.

“What? I mean sure, I guess, as like friends,” Eddie coughs.

“Sure,” his sister hums.

“It’s just that,” Eddie says, though in a way he’s saying it mostly to himself.

“Eddie, listen, I know it’s a big deal, and that you feel guilty, cause of Shannon. But, there’s honestly no one better for you and Christopher than him. He threw himself in head first from day one. I haven’t seen one of you without the other since you first introduced him to us. I get that you’re guilty about wanting him, probably because you know you did before Shannon was even gone, but you can’t just put off what all three of you need because of guilt,” his sister says.

Eddie swallows and shakes his head and says, “It’s not like that. At least it isn’t for him, he’s a good friend, and he likes kids. So he’s just helping out because of that. He’s not into me.”

His sister rolls her eyes and Eddie retreats into his head as he watches Buck. Wants, needs, longs, and waits for him.

Buck, Christopher, and Eddie come home that night, and Eddie’s still thinking about it. He helps Buck take Christopher out of the car seat, without waking him, his hand seemingly going to the small of Buck’s back as Buck reaches in to pull Christopher out of the seat. He’s not hyperaware of the little touches he must have been dealing out before his sister brought this all up.

He follows Buck inside and stands in the doorway as Buck tucks Christopher into his crib, watching as Buck leans down and kisses his forehead. He turns and smiles at Eddie in the doorway and it makes Eddie’s skin sprout goosebumps and track Buck as he comes to Eddie’s side and touches his arm.

“Goodnight, “Buck says going to move past him.

“Goodnight,” Eddie repeats, before turning as Buck goes down the hallway, “Buck,” he calls quietly not knowing where he’s going with it.

“Yeah?” Buck asks looking back at him.

Eddie swallows and coughs, “Uh, Merry Christmas.”   
  


Buck blinks back at him but smiles softly and says, “Merry Christmas.”

Eddie goes into his bedroom to change for bed, his head still running in circles. He couldn’t just leave it there, so he went out into the living room, frowning as he didn’t see Buck on the couch.

He looked around a bit before spotting him lying underneath the tree.

“Buck?” He said.

Buck looked over at him and said, “Oh hey.”

“What’re you doing?”

Buck shrugged and said, “I don’t know. This was just something me and my sister used to do. Lay under the tree, look up at all the bright lights, was peaceful, good for just thinking.”

Eddie walked over and slowly crouched down before laying on his back beside Buck and staring up into the lights.

“What’re you thinking about?” Eddie asked.

“I don’t know. A lot. The whole year. Just a lot has changed.”

“Yeah,” Eddie sighed, “Buck I really don’t thank you enough for doing all this, for helping with Christopher.”

“You don’t need to. I’m happy with it. I feel like I should thank you for letting me. I mean, I love that kid. And...I don’t know, my family has always been pretty messy, and I’ve never really known what I’ve wanted. That’s why I was so ready to run to nothing and to anywhere when we met. But now, I don’t know, you and Christopher, you two feel more like family than any I’ve ever actually had. I want to be here, I’m just, I’m happy,” Buck sighed shutting his eyes.

“You are family Buck. And I couldn’t do all this without you,” Eddie said.

Buck smiled softly and looked over at Eddie and said, “Yeah you could. You could, you’re strong enough and great dad, it’d be hard, but you would do it.”   
  


“Well then maybe I just don’t want to have to do it without you,” Eddie sighs.

Buck stares back at him for a long moment before staring back up at the tree, “I’m glad.”

Eddie swallows and lets his fingers brush against Buck’s as they lay at their sides. He hears Buck takes a slow breath and he gently locks his fingers in Buck’s. They stay staring up at the tree, falling asleep there.

They wake up sometime in the middle of the night to Christopher crying, Eddie’s arm tucked around Buck’s waist, and his face buried in Buck’s shoulder, Buck still holding onto his hand.

Though neither of them takes that in really because they both spring up and nearly take down the tree with them, Buck catching it last second and Eddie pulling it in the other direction. How they manage to not lose a single ornament is beyond them, and they’re both in a fit of giggles on the way to get Christopher.

Despite the heart to heart and hand-holding, they go about their business as usual. Same schedule, but Eddie’s sister is getting more insistent, and Eddie isn’t going to lie, he wants this. He wants Buck. But he also doesn’t want to lose Buck, doesn’t want to risk Christopher losing Buck. But his sister practically makes a threat on his life and assures him Buck feels the same way, and God does Eddie hope so.

So his sister makes plans to watch Christopher on Valentine's Day and Eddie’s supposed to ask Buck out. Which goes...not great.

“Hey, Buck?”

“Yeah?”

“My sister has been bugging me like crazy to watch Christopher so she’s finally going to watch him Friday night, so did you want to go out to eat or something?” Eddie asks as casually as he can.

Buck groans and says, “Really? God, I wish, I work, I was trying to be generous. Hal is proposing to his girlfriend cause it’s Valentine's day, how cliche. But I took that shift for him, so now I get to play host to guys trying to pick off sad girls without dates, and sobbing girls who either have a bad date or didn’t get one. Should be lovely,” Buck huffs.

“Yeah, that sucks,” Eddie replies, “but maybe I’ll come to keep you company. Like old times.”

“Yeah, that’d be great, a little relief from all the misery and bad pick up lines I’ll be watching,” Buck says.

So it’s not really a date, especially cause they used to do this all the time. But it’s on Valentine's Day and it’s something.

Eddie takes a seat at the bar, chatting with Buck whenever he gets a spare moment. Sometime into the night, a girl takes a seat at the bar, and he can tell she’s flirting with Buck. He’s smiling and laughing with her. She’s moving from twirling her hair, to twirling her straw. She even reaches across the bar to touch his bicep.

Eddie hates her for it, and one time, when she’s getting particularly handsy, touching his chest a bit as he tells her some story about a crazy patron, he does something about it.

“Buck, Buck,” he calls to him. Buck’s eyes turn to him, and Eddie waves him over, Buck looks at the girl and holds up a finger and leans across the bar to Eddie.

“Refill?” Buck asks.

Eddie rolls his eyes and says, “No, I don’t need your bartending services. More so the co-parenting sort, though it’s not really the services, as much as I thought you might want to see Christopher dressed as a lion.”

Eddie shows him his phone with a picture his sister sent him. So what he’s playing dirty, he has an upper hand in the form of his very cute son that they both adore.

Buck’s eyes grow three sizes and he smiles so bright and says, “Oh my God, he is adorable. We get to keep that costume right. That’s a favorite. I mean we’ll have to get him a new one obviously, but next Halloween he’s so going as a lion,” Buck says.

Eddie touches Buck’s forearm and says, “So long as you’re not planning some zoo animal theme.”   
  


“On the contrary, I was thinking the Wizard of Oz, my first thought was, me as the Scarecrow, you as the tin man, but you would make a good Dorothy,” Buck teases.

Eddie narrows his eyes at him and says, “The scarecrow is fitting since you’re absolutely brainless.”

Buck does a mock hurt face and says, “And you are absolutely heartless for saying so.”

Eddie traces his fingers over Buck’s arm as they discuss it, before the one girl waves Buck over for a refill, this time shooting a glare over at him.

And Eddie’s bound determined to win this battle, as they are both the last two people in the bar as Buck’s shift finishes around two am, and the crew in charge of cleaning and locking up, start getting ready.

Eddie knows the girl is waiting to make her move, but Eddie knows where Buck comes out from after putting a few things away. So as soon as Buck comes out he moves to his side. He makes a point of saying rather loudly for the girl's benefit, “Ready to go home?”

“God, yes, bed, or is it a movie night, either way, I’m off my feet, sounds amazing,” Buck replies.

“Come on then, let's get you home scarecrow,” he teases wrapping his around Buck’s waist.

“Alrighty, Tin Man,” Buck smiles wrapping his arm around his shoulders as they walk out together.

When they get home, they do put on a movie, laying on Buck’s pullout bed. Buck’s pretty tired and is sleepily laying in the crook of Eddie’s arm. He eventually falls asleep kind of lopsided and with his head resting against Eddie’s stomach.

Eddie wraps his arms around him and holds him close as he himself settles in to fall asleep.

After that Eddie doesn’t care that much about keeping his intentions masked, he touches Buck far more often, and Buck who first reacted mostly shocked, ends up responding slowly, leaning into it when Eddie touches him.

In mid-march, Christopher’s first birthday comes about, and his sister is practically glaring at him for having not made an actual move. And while he’d prefer not to make it at his one-year-old's birthday party, even he knows it’s about time.

So he makes a point of ensuring Buck is in every photo with him and Christopher, making it clear that he is equal in Eddie’s eyes. And he is, to Eddie, Buck is as much Christopher’s dad as he is. Evidenced more by the fact that recently he’s heard Christopher making out sounds that border on chicken noises cause it sounds a little like ‘bock, bock’ but he’s pretty sure he’s trying to make out the word Buck. And while it’s Buck’s name, he’s pretty sure he’s heard a da, da sound made to Buck as well as himself. So it’s pretty set in stone it seems what Buck’s role is here.

When the cake comes out, Buck and Eddie blow out the candles for Christopher, and the little one starts eating the cake with his hands.

Eddie reaches over slowly, rubbing at Buck’s collar and once Buck looks at him he leans over and kisses him gently.

He feels the surprise on Buck’s lips but soon enough Buck’s lips move against his, fingers curling against his shirt.

When he pulls back Buck’s staring back at him and says, “What...what was that for?”

“I figured that Christopher loves you so much that if he had a wish it’d be you to be permanently in our lives, and that’s my wish too, so I figured I better get off my A-S-S and make it happen for both of us.”

Buck was staring back at him and smiled softly and says, “Eddie, if it’s just for Christopher, you don’t have to...I’ll always stay, so you don’t….”

“It’s not just about that. I want you, Buck, I need you, for me, not just for him,” Eddie says reaching over and stroking his cheek.

Buck smiles a bit and leans across and kisses him again, fingers moving gently across his skin, in the way that sets him on fire, “Eddie, I’ve…”, Buck begins.

“I know, me too,” Eddie whispers back.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“I thought maybe, but...I just…”

“I needed some time, but then I just got a little gun shy, I guess. But I think my sister would have gotten an actual gun soon if I didn’t just come out with it.”

“Damn right I would have,” his sister says raising her glass from where she’s watching them, “congrats, by the way, you two. Finally.”   
  


Eddie rolls his eyes and Buck laughs a bit, his hands rubbing against Eddie’s arms, “It’s alright, slow and steady wins the race.”

“We did the slow and steady, now I’m ready to sprint straight for the finish,” Eddie says brushing his lips against Buck’s jaw.

“Oh yeah, totally me too,” Buck agrees with a short laugh, before finding Eddie’s lips again and kissing him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My tumblr is diggorypuff if you wanna follow me over there btw


	5. Come Lay Your Wreath at the Alter of Change

“Do I have to go to school dad?” Christopher asks from his place between Eddie and Buck.

“No, I think we all deserve at least a day off,” Buck says, running his fingers through their son's curls.

Christopher nods and cuddles deeper into Eddie's chest, Buck still stroking his hair. Eddie can’t take his eyes off either of them, but more so Buck. He has Christopher wrapped up entirely in his arms and feels no distance, no hesitation in his affection. In that sense Christopher hasn’t changed at all, he’d always been quick to give a smile, a hug, a kiss. But Buck, he feels distant, the little touches he gives feel careful and measured.

As he’s retreating into his head, with the worst of thoughts he suddenly feels something rub in between his eyes and focuses in on Buck who has reached across and is rubbing the space between his eyes and at the start of his nose.

Buck always used to do that, see Eddie getting too deep into his head, his brows drawing together as he did, and Buck would scold him for frowning and rub the lines out of his face.

Eddie looks at Buck gently and sighs easily, letting his face soften, he expects Buck’s fingers to retreat but they move slowly down along his cheek.

“Dad?” Christopher speaks up between.

“Yeah, buddy?”

“Can you make the chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast?”

“Mmm...I suppose so, for you,” Bucks hums softly and starts to remove himself from the sheets.

“Didn’t you almost burn down the kitchen the last time you made breakfast?”

“I’m a firefighter now, so if it happens again, I’m well qualified to put it out,” Buck smiles and stretches as he gets up.

“Bobby taught him how to cook, he said dinosaur chicken nuggets are not one of the four food groups,” Christopher says.

“Yeah, it was two, grains and meat, and I gave you french fries and ketchup, so vegetable and fruit,” Buck reasons, as Christopher and Eddie both shake his head.

“That’s not true at all,” Eddie replies.

“It wasn’t always dinosaur chicken nuggets, sometimes there was mac and cheese,” Buck defends.

“From the box,” Christopher says.

“Christopher Diaz, do you want the pancakes or not?”

“Yeah.”

“Then be my son and shush, besides my cooking is great now, you only get dinosaur chicken nuggets if Chim is babysitting,” Buck says before leaving the bedroom.

Eddie’s head swirls with the names, Chim, he remembers is Maddie’s boyfriend. But he wonders who Bobby is. He’s not exactly in the most secure place regarding Buck, so his mind ponders the worst. Why would he teach Buck cooking? Maybe it was a date night thing they did.

However, Buck reenters the bedroom and leans Christopher's crutches against the bed and points at Eddie, “Stop frowning.”

Eddie relaxes his face again and says, “I’m not.”

“Mhmm…,” Buck says before leaving the room again.

Eddie can’t help but smile to himself before grabbing Christopher and helping him with his crutches, before walking down the hall with him and sitting with him at the table in the kitchen.

He watches Buck as he moves about the kitchen with ease he’s not used to seeing from him.

Simple things like eggs or grilled cheese used to be difficult for Buck and Eddie did most of the cooking.

So this was something else on the list of long things that had changed since he’d been gone. It made him unsettled in the deep pit of his stomach, wondering if the man he loved still loved him or if the man he loved was changed so much that they didn’t fit anymore.

He heard a plate clang and blinked to see Buck sliding a plate in front of him and Christopher.

He looked at the oddly misshapen pancake with a tilt of his head, something about it looking familiar.

“It’s in the shape of a dinosaur since you two thought good to make fun of my dino shaped food.”

Christopher giggled and said, “Thanks, dad.”

Eddie couldn’t help but smile and say, “Thank you, Buck.”

Buck nodded and came back to the table with his own dinosaur-shaped pancake, cause, of course, Buck wouldn’t do this just for a joke to Eddie and Christopher, but he’d go right along with it.

As Eddie took the first bite, he was even more surprised to find that the pancake was delicious, and he instantly felt a swirl of jealousy at this Bobby guy.

Who was he to swoop in here and teach his Buck to make such great pancakes?

He quickly forced down that jealousy as Maddie came out and said, “Pancakes? Christopher’s request I’m guessing?”

“Best pancakes,” Christopher said.

Maddie smiled and went to take one and frowned slightly and said, “What exactly is this shape?”

“Dinosaur. Daddy and I made fun of dad only feeding me dino chicken nuggets,” Christopher replied.

Maddie nodded and said, “Okay, now I see it. A lot better than your fire truck that just looked like a rectangular blob.”

“How dare you. That fire truck was masterful,” Buck exclaims.

“It was bad,” Christopher adds.

Buck feigns shock and shakes his head, “That’s it, you two are no longer associated with me. You are no longer my sister, and you are no longer my son. Disowned, both of you, on account of you hurting my feelings.”

Eddie chuckles as Maddie and Christopher snicker, and he reaches over and rubs Buck’s neck and says, “I’m sure it was a great firetruck.”

Buck smiles a bit and Eddie feels him rub his thigh and says, “There you have it, the firetruck was great. Eddie says so.”

“He didn’t see it,” Christopher says.

“He doesn’t need to, he unlike you two has complete confidence in my skills.”

“You want to see skillful, you should see his lion pancake. Now that one is amazing,” Maddie says gesturing with her fork.

“Yeah, daddy, it’s amazing. He does the mane in chocolate syrup, and the eyes with extra chocolate chips,” Christopher tells him.

“If you two think you’re getting back on my good side by praising my lion pancake, it’s not going to happen,” Buck says still pouting.

“Come on Buck, forgiveness is a virtue,” Eddie says.

“Virtue has never been a strong suit,” Buck says with a soft laugh, and the short shared look he gives Eddie makes his heart race, before Buck sighs and looks to Christopher and says, “But I suppose I can forgive this one. He is pretty cute.”

Christopher got up and rested his chin on Buck’s shoulder and said, “Love you, dad.”

“I love you too kid,” Buck says rubbing Christopher’s arm gently.

Eddie watches Buck get up and start putting dishes in the sink, Eddie gets up to help, but Buck turns and says, “Hey Christopher how about you show him your room.”   
  


That lights Christopher up, and he grabs onto Eddie’s shirt and says, “Yeah, daddy, come on I’ll show you.”

Eddie looks back at Buck as he moves to the sink giving him a short smile. He hates it, wants to sit down and talk to him. Know about Buck’s life now, know if he still has a place. And at the same time, he doesn’t cause he’s terrified the answer will be no or Buck will lie to him. He can see he has a place in Christopher’s life. Much the way everyone does, as his son is open and accepting of everyone and always has been.

He remembers Buck being like that too, open and trusting, friendly with everyone. Buck is still friendly but he feels closed off, and careful. But with Christopher, he sees Buck fully open, easy with affection and communication. But there’s still something careful with Maddie, it’s loving and affectionate, but not in the fully trusting and open and utterly dependent way he is with Christopher. And with him, Buck feels fragile, guarded, and hesitant. It’s only reminiscent perhaps of the first day or two he knew Buck, cause after that it seemed that Buck had opened up easily to him. Talking about his family, how he didn’t have a plan for anything.

But maybe that’s the difference now. Buck doesn’t just have a plan, he has a whole life without him. He has a family now, Maddie is back in his life, and Christopher is a hundred percent his son. He’s not a bartender just trying to make a living, in a town where Eddie is. He’s a firefighter and seems to love that, and it’s in a new town he had no previous connection to. He’s built a life here, and Eddie is a stranger to it.


	6. I Love You - It Never Ends / Buck

Buck takes a breath the moment Eddie goes with Christopher to his room and clutches the sink.

Maddie’s still there and says, “Buck? Are you okay?”

Buck rests his head against the kitchen cabinet and says, “No.”

“Okay, Buck talk to me,” Maddie says rubbing his arm.

“I don’t know what to do, Maddie. I don’t know what is happening, I feel like I can’t breathe all the time. I feel like I’m daydreaming, cause this can’t be real, and if it is, I feel like shit. I should have never left Texas. I should have stay fucking put. I shouldn’t have believed those guys when they said he was dead, but had nobody. I gave up on him, I moved on Maddie. I left Texas, I came here, I got a job, I was Christopher’s dad, and I was fine with that. I had to be fine with that, I forced myself into believing that was fine. Everything was okay so long as I came home to Christopher, and that he was healthy and happy.”

“Okay, then everything is fine, cause Christopher is happier than ever and he is healthy, and you’re home,” Maddie says gripping her brother's arms.

“I...this isn’t his home though, and he, they hurt him, and he needs me to be there for him, but I don’t know how, I’m...he was gone. He was gone Maddie and he was never coming back, I went the therapy and she made me repeat that again and again till I believed it, till I settled into it. And now he’s here, and I can’t accept it, and I can’t think about me, I have to think about him and Christopher. Christopher is easy, but how am I supposed to help him, when I left?”

“You didn’t leave, he wasn’t there, and now he’s back, but he’s back here. He’s right down the hall.”

“It doesn’t feel real Maddie,” Buck whispers sinking to the floor.

Maddie sits beside him and looks at him and says, “Buck...Do you still love him?”

Buck’s head whips toward her and he frowns, “God Maddie, of course, I do. How can you…of course...he’s Eddie. My Eddie. I...I’ve loved him since the very first day I met him I think, and I never stopped. I couldn’t love anyone else, Maddie. He...everyone would have to compare to him, and they couldn’t. No one could lift me from where he did and give me what he did, and make me feel the way he does.”

“So you were what going to be a monk for the rest of your life? From the tender age of twenty-two and on?”

“I don’t know. I wouldn’t have gotten married or fallen in love or anything, and probably would have not done anything at all at least until Christopher was in college.”

“Really? There wasn’t any other guy you…”

“No, Maddie. No. You don’t get it...Eddie was...is...he’s the only one I’ve wanted since the moment I met him.”

“Okay, so why have you barely touched him since he came back?”

“I don’t deserve to, I don’t deserve him to forgive me for leaving.”

“Buck they told you he was dead!”

“Maddie, I’ve just missed him so much, needed him so much, and I...he...I can’t make up for all the time he lost. He was hurting for five years, and I got to see Christopher grow up and have so many good moments with him…”

“And you think you weren’t hurting for five years, Buck? You were miserable even when I first saw you a few months ago. I don’t even want to know the state you were in at the beginning.”

“It’s not comparable to what he went through.”

“So what, this isn’t about comparing, it’s recognizing you were both hurt, but you didn’t hurt each other, somebody else did. And the only person who can understand not having that person they loved for five years, and then suddenly having them again is him. He didn’t have you either you know, and he loves you. I talked to him, and more than anything he’s terrified that he’s disrupting a new life you built, that you don’t have room for him.”

“I...there’s room, he’s what’s missing,” Buck sniffled.

“Then how about you clue him into that. I know you’ve built up this guard around you. I know you had to, had to protect yourself and only let people in a little as to not get hurt. I’ve been okay with it, cause I understand it. Understand why you had to do that. And you’ve been so good at not letting it be that way with Christopher. You’re such a good dad, you never let this pain you had yourself touch him, you kept your heart wide open for Christopher. But you need to open it up again if you need to keep all of us at a distance, fine. But he needs let in Buck.”

Buck swallowed and said, “I love him so much, Maddie. I thought I’d die when they told me he was gone. I wanted to most days, but Christopher had lost two parents, and he needed me to be the best parent, and I loved him so much, and he was a part of Eddie. But I barely held it together, and I left Texas cause all I could see was the life we had there together, except he was no longer in it. I needed to get out, but...but...God Maddie, where are we now? This isn’t anything to him, and I just up and moved on…,” he lets the tears run into her shoulder as she strokes his hair.

“Shh...it’s okay, it’s okay. You did so good Evan, you did. Christopher is an amazing kid, amazing. He is happy, and you do everything you can for him, I’ve never seen a parent and child love each other as much as you two do. And leaving Texas was right for you, and you’ve got a great life here. You found a job you’re passionate about, and Christopher has a good life, and just because he isn’t used to it doesn’t mean Eddie doesn’t fit. Think about it, why did you fit in Texas? You didn’t know anyone until you knew Eddie and it became home because of him. This can be his home too, this is where you and Christopher are, and he came right way for both of you. Not to take you back, but to be with you. You stayed for him in Texas, and he’ll stay for you two here, and he’ll find his place, so long as you make it clear he has one here with you.”

Buck nods lightly and cuddles into Maddie’s side and says, “I’m glad you’re here with me now Maddie. If you weren’t...I don’t know.”

“Come on, let's finish these dishes and then you should get back to your two boys,” Maddie said rubbing Buck’s shoulder.

Buck nods slowly and stands and begins washing the dishes again with Maddie at his side.


	7. I Will Hold You Tightly When the Hurting Kicks In

Eddie let Christopher lead him to his room, looking around the well-organized space. 

Christopher walked over to a diorama of the planets and said, “Dad and I made this one for a school project.”

Eddie came closer to look at the meticulously painted planets and said, ”It’s amazing. Did you get a good grade on it?”

“Yeah, and extra credit, the teacher said it was really cool how dad and I added the asteroid belt with real rocks.”

“Ooo, here,” Christopher said walking to his closet.

Eddie turned towards him and watched as Christopher pulled a surfboard from the closet and said, “I take surfing lessons and it’s amazing.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, dad says I was practically born for the water. Which is good cause I might want to be a pirate.”

Eddie laughs softly and said, “Well then maybe you need to learn sailing too.”

“Can I?” Christopher asks.

“You should probably as your dad.”

“You’re my dad too, you know,” Christopher laughs.

Eddie smiles a bit to himself before grabbing a hold of Christopher and kissing his face, “Oh, am I? I must have forgotten the thousands of diapers I changed.”

Christopher giggled in his arms before going to put his surfboard back.

Eddie looked around the room and saw a drawing on the wall of three figures side by side.

“Who’s this a drawing of?” Eddie asked.

Christopher looked and laughed, “You, me and dad, duh.”

Eddie nodded and said, “When did you draw this?”

“A couple of months ago,” Christopher shrugs.

Eddie stared down at it and smiled a bit, happy to see that at least with Christopher he wasn’t out of place. He was still embedded in his life, and he wasn’t oblivious to the fact that that had to be Bucks doing.

“It’s a nice drawing,” Eddie smiles.

Christopher watches him and says, “Daddy?”

“Yeah?” Eddie says looking up at Christopher who looks worried.

“Are you going to go back to the army?” Christopher asks.

Eddie freezes and says, “No, Christopher. No, I’m not, that’s over. I’m here,” he says moving over to Christopher and hugging him.

Christopher’s arms lock around his neck and he says, “Good, I missed you.”

“I missed you too, buddy,” he says fingers moving through Christopher’s curls.

“And dad missed you...even before those people came and said you weren’t coming back,” Christopher mutters, “he cried before that, but after he cried a lot more. He didn’t want me to see, but sometimes I’d wake up early and he’d be crying in the living room or the kitchen. It got a little better when we moved, but I still heard him cry at night, and he has nightmares. I had them, but they went away after a while. But dad still has them, I can hear him calling for you in his sleep. But he doesn’t have them if I sleep next to him, so I sometimes pretend I had a nightmare so he feels better. But maybe if you’re here he won’t have them anymore cause he’ll know you’re right here,” Christopher says sadly looking up at him with tearful blue eyes.

Eddie looks back at him sadly and clutches him closer and says, “You’re a good son for doing that. Your dad just didn’t want you to see him hurting, and I’m so sorry he was hurt when I was gone.”

Christopher buried his face in his shoulder and whispers, “But you’re staying?”

“Yes, I’m staying. I’m not going anywhere, I’m right here, for both you and your dad,” Eddie promised.

Christopher nodded against his shoulder and lifted Christopher into his arms to hug him tighter.

Eddie held Christopher in his arms for a moment before looking at a few of the pictures in the room. He sat down with Christopher on his bed and picked up one that was beside Christopher’s bed of him, Buck, and Christopher.

“You’ve gotten so big since then,” Eddie said.

“Dad says I’m going to be taller than you, he can just feel it,” Christopher smiles.

“Well hopefully you’re taller than him too, he needs to be taken down a peg in the height competition,” Eddie replies.

Christopher giggles and then points to another picture on the wall, he recognizes Christopher who is being held by Buck in way of being clutched to his chest from behind. And then he sees Maddie with a man whose arm is wrapped around her shoulders.

“Who are all those people with you, Buck, and Maddie?”

“The people dad works with mostly, I think it’s Chim, who’s aunt Maddie’s boyfriend, and then Bobby, Hen, Karen, Athena, Denny, May, Harry, and a few other people.”

There was the name Bobby again, and he was just about to ask which one he was when Buck came to the doorway.

“Dad, can I learn how to sail?” Christopher piped up.

“Uh...yeah sure, we can look into it,” Buck said looking taken off guard.

“Daddy said I had to ask you, but he said I should learn if I want to be a pirate,” Christopher says.

Buck nods and says, “Right, well like I said, we’ll look into it. But for now, do you want to watch a movie. Your dad has missed a lot of peak Disney cinema,” Buck says with a teasing smile.

Eddie shakes his head at him slightly and Christopher nods quickly, and Buck says, “Then go pick your favorite.”

Eddie watched Christopher move quickly from the room and around the corner, as Buck watched him go before he turned back to Eddie.

A soft smile came to Buck’s face which made Eddie’s heart rate instantly pick up before Buck said, “Come on, you get to experience your first viewing of what I’m assuming will be Finding Dory, and I will experience my fiftieth.”

Eddie smiles and stepped forward and said, “They made a sequel to Finding Nemo?”

“Yup, sequels and reboots are all the rage now, you’ll see,” Buck says from behind Eddie, placing his hand on the small of Eddie’s back.

Eddie feels chills run up his spine when Buck touches him and then feels Buck’s arm wrap loosely around his waist for a moment as he presses his lips close to Eddie’s ear.

“And sailing so he can be a pirate Eddie? Are we going to get him sword-fighting lessons too?” Buck asks smiling.

“I didn’t mean to step on your toes,” Eddie began before Buck pressed his hand against Eddie’s hip bringing him closer.

Eddie relaxed into it, craving Buck’s touch like the starved man he was for it.

“You’re his dad, Eddie. You don’t need to ask me anything, he’s your kid to parent too,” Buck says.

“I know, I just…you know him better than I do Buck. You know what’s better for him, and what he can do better than I do now,” Eddie says.

“I simply operate under the assumption that there isn’t anything he can’t do that another kid his age can, and we go ahead and give it a try and I do my best to find a way to adapt it to him if it’s not something he can manage the same way someone else might. I haven’t had to say he can’t yet, and I do everything I can to ensure that I don’t have to say that to him. I’ve had to fight other people on it for him, but I have never actually had to tell him no yet.”

Eddie sighed and leaned back into Buck and said, “You’re a great dad, Buck. You’ve done such a good job with him, thank you.”

“I wasn’t perfect, I...tried...but,”

“Buck, you did a great job. He’s a better kid than I could have ever imagined him to be,” Eddie whispers.

Buck’s head rests on his shoulder and presses close to his cheek and he whispers, “Well, I got lucky, he was a great kid from the start.”

Eddie shut his eyes and says, “He’s grown so much, Buck. I don’t know him like you do. So I still don’t think I’m ready for the actual decision making part of parenting again.”

He feels Buck hold him tighter and finds comfort in that, like Buck is anchoring him, and finally here with him.

“He hasn’t changed that much Eddie. He’s still the same happy, loving, and all-around good kid he was. He still loves you just as much as he did, and needs you. Things haven’t changed as much as they seem.”

Eddie turns his head a little and looks up at Buck and says, “No?”

“No, they haven’t,” Buck says looking down at Eddie.

“Buck...do you…,” he begins before Christopher shouts, “Dad, Daddy, I put the movie in!”

“Coming,” Buck calls back and gently nudges Eddie forward, “come on it’s time for you to see the revolution of animation,” Buck kids, hooking his fingers around Eddie’s wrist and pulling him towards the living room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr is: diggorypuff.tumblr.com


	8. What If You're Someone I Just Want Around?

Eddie found himself sandwiched between Buck and Christopher, feeling settled in between the two.

Buck’s arm rested on the back of the couch and his thigh was pressed up against his, it felt good to have Buck close like this when he’d felt so far away.

Christopher rested back against his chest, and Eddie held Christopher close as Christopher piped up explanations for different parts of the movie.

Silently he wondered if he’d ever get a moment alone with Buck, he was happy to have both of them near, but he knew he and Buck needed to talk about things. Christopher had shared with Eddie what his life was now, but Buck seemed to hover between a distant version of himself, and one who reaches for him and gave affection but still felt closed off. He needed to know where they stood, where he fit into this life Buck and Christopher had managed to have without him.

He felt a shift next to him as Buck moved closer and cuddled into Eddie’s side, head falling to his shoulder. Eddie moved his arm to wrap around Buck, feeling Buck adjust again, before easing into his side.

It was hard to actually watch the movie and not get sucked into his head, or end up with his eyes stuck on Christopher and Buck.

It was apparent he had gone off somewhere else in his head when he felt both Christopher and Buck shift next to him and blinked to and saw the credits rolling on the screen.

He watched Buck get up with a short stretch, and walk into the kitchen, Eddie’s eyes following him.

“Christopher?” Buck’s voice called from the kitchen.

“Yeah, dad?” Christopher called back from beside Eddie.

“Isn’t your math test tomorrow?” Buck asked.

“...Maybe…but do I have to go?” Christopher says.

“Considering we’ve been studying almost every night for it, I’m going to have to say yes,” Buck says walking back out into the living room, “which means you should probably go grab your book and homework, and we should go over it. A lot’s happened, but we have to make sure that’s still fresh in that big head of yours.”

“Okay,” Christopher says getting up and walking off to his room.

“Buck?” Eddie says from his spot on the couch.

“Yeah?” Buck asks.

“You’re terrible at math, or has that changed too?”

“First of all, how dare you, and second of all, no, that hasn’t changed, I suck at math, but I’m trying to keep a brave face so he doesn’t give up like I did,” Buck replies.

“Has he wanted to?”

“No, he gets frustrated, but who can blame him, numbers are terrible.”

Eddie laughs and says, “Is that you being positive about math?”

“I have some harsher words for math, so yes,” Buck says, “probably why it’s the one class he has a B rather an A in. It’s unfair that I can’t sit in and try and learn the material too, no I just get to try and make sense of it with Christopher when he comes home.”

“Have you tried letting him do it himself? Maybe it’s you dragging him down,” Eddie teases.

“Rude, rude,” Buck says walking over to Eddie and pushing his chest.

Eddie grabs a hold of Buck's forearms smiling and says, “Honest.”

Buck smiles and says, “Fine then, how about you give it a shot. You do the heavy lifting and help him study for the math test. I hardly think not having to stare at numbers is a punishment for me.”

“Happy to,” Eddie grinned using Buck’s arm to pull himself up.

Christopher came out with his homework, flashcards, and book placing them on the kitchen table.

“Hey Christopher,” Buck said.

“Yeah, dad?”

“Your dad seems to think his math skills will be superior to my own, so he’s going to help you with your math tonight, okay?”

Christopher smiled and said, “I might actually get an A now.”

Eddie let out a belting laugh as Buck shouted, “Hey.”

“Dad, Mrs. Adams said she’s never seen someone make improper fractions so difficult as you.”

“They’re improper, it takes quite a lot of work to make them proper,” Buck reasons.

Christopher blinks at him and turns back towards Eddie, “Daddy?”

“I know. He’s your dad though, he raised you so in a way you’re just like him,” Eddie says sitting down at the table.

“You make that sound like that’s a bad thing,” Buck says crossing his arms.

“It’s not,” Eddie and Christopher say at the same time.

Buck smiles a bit and says, “Well I sure hope not, cause if so you only have yourself to blame, cause you picked me,” he grins walking over to the fridge and pulling a few things out.

“Please, you shoved your way into my heart, and I couldn’t keep you out. I’m not the invincible man,” Eddie retorts.

“You brought me home from the gas station like a lost puppy, that’s on you,” Buck grins grabbing a pot and filling it with water.

“Well when you put it that way, what kind of monster wouldn’t take a lost puppy home from the gas station. Right, Christopher? You always take a lost puppy home and feed it.”

“Right,” Christopher said.

“Feed it, raise a child with it, sleep with it, fall in love with it, real normal behavior,” Buck says chopping basil.

“What can I say, you were a really cute puppy,” Eddie shrugs.

Buck smirks a bit and rolls his eyes and says, “Do your job and help our son with his homework, if he does badly on this test I’m blaming you, and you’re distracting me while I make dinner. I could chop a finger off.”

“If you did, I could reattach it no problem, also wouldn’t be the worst injury you’ve managed to give yourself,” a voice said from the door.

“Chimney!” Christopher shouts running to the man and hugging him.

Eddie stares at him, watching as Maddie walks in behind him and pats his shoulder before walking over to the kitchen with Buck and whispering something in his ear as he responds with a pointed look before nodding and glancing over at Eddie.

“So,” the man known as Chimney says walking over to him, “you’re the man back from the dead.”

“Chimney,” Maddie and Buck both say.

“Hey, sorry, I mean, it’s nice to meet you, heard a lot about you, from both Maddie and Buck. You’re even more handsome in person.”   
  


“Uh, thanks, I’m Eddie,” he says offering his hand.

“Chimney, or Chim,” Chimney says shaking his hand.

“So, really, how did Buckaroo get a guy like you? Amnesia? Stockholm Syndrome?”

“Uh…,” Eddie said.

“Shut up Chimney,” Buck says.

“Chill out Buckaroo, I’m just saying, that is a good looking man, and you’re kind of big-headed for someone who’s had to look at this guy so long.”

“He’s not big-headed,” Eddie said.

Chimney laughed softly and said, “Okay then, love makes you blind I guess.”

“And what made you stupid?” Buck asks pouring canned tomatoes into a pot.

“Cold Buckaroo, cold,” Chimney says.

“So you work with Buck?” Eddie asks as Christopher sits down beside him.

“Yeah, I’m a medic, he’s just the brawn,” Chimney says sitting down beside Christopher.

“This is my house, you know, and I haven’t killed you for dating my sister but there’s still time you know?” Buck warns.

“Fine, fine you’re the brains of the operation,” Chimney says smirking.

“Well now you’re just lying, that’s obviously Hen.”   
  


“You’re right there Buckaroo,” Chimney nods.

“Now can you quiet down, Eddie’s trying to help Christopher with his math test.”

“Wow, didn’t take you long to pass that off,” Chim said.

“Well, it was made clear to me, by both my son and Eddie that I am hardly a mathematician.”

“He’s become a good cook though,” Eddie nods as Buck stirs the pasta and then the sauce.

“Thanks to Bobby, he was feeding your son nothing but stuff from a box,” Chim says.

“Would all of you shut up about my previous cooking skills, you’re all a bunch of tattlers. He knew who he was leaving his son with when he left. He knew I couldn’t cook then.”

“Yeah, but we mostly ate at grandmas when we were in Texas.”

“Christopher, homework,” Buck says pointing his spoon at him.

Christopher giggles before looking down at it, and Eddie turns his attention to it as well, glancing up now and then to see Chim and Maddie talking and Buck cooking and often rolling his eyes at something they said.

Buck started plating and Maddie joined him as Buck said, “Homework break.”

Christopher put his homework on the counter and sat back down beside Eddie. Buck put the plates in front of everyone before settling in beside Eddie and smiling as he gently brushed his fingers against Eddie’s hand, before grabbing his silverware to eat.

Chimney stared at them shortly over his pasta and said, “You know Eddie, I like you. You make Buckaroo here more manageable. He’s less chatty and broody.”

“I like when he’s chatty, well most of the time,” Eddie says, “and I’m the broody one.”

“He got less broody after awhile, but for the first year, he was definitely broody, except when this one was around,” Chimney says reaching over to ruffle Christopher’s hair.

“I was in a perfect mood, I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Alright then,” Chimney scoffed.

“I was fine,” Buck said before taking a bite of his pasta.

“You were uncommunicative and a daredevil, I patched you up almost as much as I did the people we were there to save.”

Eddie looked at Buck who wrinkled his nose and as he ate.

“Maddie, Chim’s no longer invited to dinner,” Buck quipped, to which Chim replied with a shocked expression.


	9. Just Us, You Find Out

The night ends with Buck cleaning up after dinner, Maddie saying goodnight to Chim, and Eddie finishing up with Christopher and his homework.

For once Eddie feels a little more comfortable like he can fit into this life.

But there’s still something that gnaws at him, the fact that there are parts of Buck that he no longer knows. Buck isn’t broody or guarded, not for any long period of time, at least not the Buck he knew.

Eddie helped Buck get Christopher ready for bed, walking him towards his own bedroom, and Eddie felt both stress and relief at the thought that he might finally get his moment alone with Buck.

Buck tucked Christopher in and kissed his forehead, “I love you kid, and you’re going to rock that math test tomorrow,” Buck said.

“Yeah, maybe you’ll no longer have to help me with math now that daddy is back.”   
  


“One of many good aspects,” Buck smiled and smoothed his hand over Christopher’s hair.

Eddie came close next and kissed his son's cheek and said, “Goodnight, Christopher. I love you.”

“Love you too dad,” Christopher whispers settling into bed.

Buck and Eddie left the bedroom, with Buck leaving the door open just a crack.

Eddie didn’t know how to reach out to Buck, how to talk to him about something like this. If he even wanted to know.

As he withdrew into his head he felt something against his hand, and when he looked up, he saw Buck in front of him, curling his fingers into his and pulling on his hand.

“Come on, bedtime,” Buck said.

Eddie nodded following Buck to his bedroom and changing into his sleeping attire before laying down on the bed staring up at the ceiling.

Maybe he’d let it go another night, maybe they didn’t have to talk, maybe things were good enough.

Buck slid into the bed, rolling into Eddie’s side, resting his cheek against Eddie’s shoulder. His fingers moved gently along his chest as he stared up at him.

“Eddie,” Buck whispered.

“Hmm…,” Eddie breathes keeping his eyes shut.

“What are you thinking?”

“What do you mean?”

“You go into your head a lot. Maybe...maybe we should just talk.”

“Do you even love me anymore? And not...not in a way like you just always will cause we once were, or because of Christopher, but do you…”

“Eddie,” Buck said grabbing a hold of Eddie’s shirt.

“I...Buck...nothings the same, and that’s okay, if you moved on, if you don’t anymore, that’s fine. I just need to know.”

Buck burrowed closer and whispered, “Eddie, look at me.”

Eddie felt his chest tighten as he opened his eyes and had Buck looking at him, Buck stroked his cheek and whispered, “Eddie, I love you, not because I have to or out of guilt or because of Christopher, but because of you. I have loved you every single day since I met you, even when it was wrong, even when you weren’t here, even when I thought you were gone. I loved you then, and I love you still, Eddie. How could I not love you? You’re...you changed everything for me. Everything I have that I love is because of you. I have you because you took me in and you loved me, I have Christopher because you allowed me to be his father, you gave me a home. Even the job I have now is because I wanted better for Christopher, and wanted you to be proud, you were out saving people, and I wanted to too. Eddie, I love you.”

Eddie felt tears slip out as he rolled over to clutch Buck close, before finding his mouth with his own and kissing him deeply.

He instantly felt Buck’s fingers move into his hair, his forehead pressed against his as their mouths moved together.

Eddie pressed against Buck, his hand moving down to his hip, and tracing the shape, his mouth moving to Buck’s jaw.

“Eddie, I missed you so much,” Buck breathed, his hands moving up the back of Eddie’s shirt, clinging to him.

“I’m here, I’m here.”

“I need you here,” Buck whispered burying his face into Eddie’s neck, “There was so much I didn’t know how to handle, Eddie. So much you would have been better than me at.”

“Hey you did so good,” Eddie whispers holding Buck’s face in his hands, “our son is happy, healthy, and he loves you so much. And you found something you love doing, and it seems like you found a family there too, and I’m so happy you have.”

Buck shrugged and leaned into Eddie’s touch, arms wrapping around Eddie’s waist and said, “Yeah, but you and Christopher were my first real family. One that was unwavering, and loved me without reservation, who chose me, and was always there.”

Eddie held Buck close, his hands stilling though, “But I wasn’t.”

Buck looked up at Eddie and whispered, “Eddie.”

“I wasn’t there for you. I left, I went to Afghanistan.”

“Eddie, you…”

“You didn’t want me to go. You begged me, and I went...and had I, not you and Christopher wouldn’t have been on your own…”

“Eddie,” Buck said clutching Eddie’s face in his hands and wiping away the tears as they came.

“I left Buck, you didn’t want me to, and I did.”

“You went to take care of me and Christopher, it wasn’t your fault.”

But Eddie doesn’t believe him, cause it is his fault, he chose to go, went when Christopher and Buck needed him. Went even though Buck begged him not to, went when there was another way if only he’d been stronger and smarter.


	10. You're Scared Because Hearts Get Broken / Flashback

Christopher gets diagnosed with CP when he’s about a year and a half old, in some small doctor's office in a big hospital, while Buck holds him in his arms.

Eddie’s eyes immediately go to Buck, who seems to clutch Christopher to his chest, arms appearing to be trying to guard him against everything the doctor said.

They leave the office quiet, and not exactly looking at each other, at least not in a way in which they can make eye contact.

Christopher continues smiling and laughing when they get home, and Eddie is warmed by his sunny disposition, even though he’s obviously frustrated when his body doesn’t cooperate with something he wants to do.

The little boy just gives huff and a small disgruntled noise when he falls down before picking himself back up. Sometimes he even giggles if he loses balance before going through the struggle of picking himself up again.

He’s only seen Christopher cry once out of frustration when Buck went inside to clean up after they ate outside, and Christopher tried to follow him. For the most part, He and Buck, let Christopher pull himself up, Christopher didn’t care too much for being picked up after he fell. Always determined to do it himself, and it made him stronger so they let him.

But this time when he fell and struggled he didn’t laugh or give a slightly disgruntled whine. He struggled for a while and he was going through a bit of a clinging phase with Buck, having to follow him everywhere.

Christopher tried a few times before crying and kicking his legs angrily, “Dad, dad, dad.”

Eddie had rushed over and began pulling him up as Buck rushed from the house and over to them. Christopher whimpered and sobbed upset in Eddie’s arms while Buck rubbed Christopher’s back.

“Hey, it’s okay, it’s okay,” Buck says.

Christopher doesn’t stop crying, but he reaches for Buck, who takes him instantly and holds him tightly.

“I’ve got you, buddy, it’s okay, daddy and I have trouble getting up too sometimes,” Buck whispers soothingly.

Eddie feels helpless with Buck and Christopher like he can never do enough to make life easier. Buck’s better than him at looking on the bright side, at the very least. Of believing the world won’t be cruel to their son and that he can do anything. And most of the time Christopher seems to take after him in that view, always trying, rarely getting frustrated.

But Eddie looks at the bills, the future expenses, Christopher ends up having to have surgery and that costs money, and so does physical therapy. They pick up extra shifts, as much as they can without not being there for Christopher, and as much as Eddie’s family can help.

But it’s exhausting and still, not enough, Buck is better at keeping his energy up, but even Eddie’s seen him nearly fall asleep on his feet.

You’d think he was drunk some nights when he stumbled in from the bar when he’d just been serving. But he was so tired on his feet, he sometimes wondered if it was even safe for Buck to drive home.

Eddie was used to pulling Buck to bed, watching him waver on his feet, and helping him get undressed before pulling him into his arms.

Buck always cuddled close and regardless of how tired he was, always had time to kiss Eddie soft and slow and whisper, “Good night”, before curling into him and falling asleep.

He sees the toll it’s taking on Buck, how much they both work, how the time they get to actually spend taking care of their son themselves, is getting smaller and smaller.

But even still he sees the bond his son has with Buck, how Christopher clings to him, but Buck himself has the energy and positive disposition of a little kid and Christopher in particular. Personality-wise, Eddie sees more of Buck in Christopher than himself or Shannon.

Eddie decides to enlist, out of the fact that they need the money. He wouldn’t if he wasn’t so sure that Buck could take care of Christopher, and that they need the money.

It doesn’t go over well when he tells Buck though.

“No, no,” Buck shouts in their living room.

“Buck it’s what we need, we have so much to pay for, and it’s the best way,” Eddie begins.

“No, no it’s not. The best way is not something that has you away from us.”

“We have to take care of Christopher.”

“Christopher needs you.”

Eddie sighs and says, “He has you.”

“Let me do it, I can go, I can, he needs you.”

“Buck, he needs you more.”

“No, he doesn’t. He doesn’t. You’re...you’re his dad, I’m…”

“His dad, Buck. You’re his dad too Buck.”

Buck was crying at that point and said, “He needs you.”

“He needs one of us and for us to give him the best he can.”   
  


Buck narrows his eyes at him and grabs his keys and says, “I have to go to work.”

“Buck.”   
  


“Don’t,” Buck says wiping his eyes and slamming the door on the way out.

Eddie waits up for him, and Buck comes home and sees him on the couch and tosses his keys to the counter, “I don’t want to talk Eddie.”

“Buck.”   
  


“No.”

“Buck.”   
  


“Eddie, leave me alone, you’re so ready to do so, so get the practice in,” Buck says walking past him and into the bathroom, and locking the door.

He sits outside the door and hears the shower, and the shower goes on and on and he knocks, “Buck…Buck are you okay?”

He hears a little sniff and says, “Buck please.”

Nothing.

“Buck open the door.”

Nothing.

Eddie waits a little longer before grabbing a credit card and shoving the door open.

Buck’s curled in the shower, head pressed against the wall and whimpering.

“Buck,” Eddie whispers coming over beside him not caring that he’s still dressed and getting wet.

“Eddie, please.”

“I’m doing this to take care of both of you. We need this Buck, you’re exhausted and we’re barely around for Christopher cause we work ourselves dead.”

“He needs you here, I’m not enough,” Buck cries face finally burying into Eddie’s shoulder.

“I’m still here, I’m just involved in a different way, he needs this too. You’re enough Buck, you’re more than enough. I never could have imagined someone loving my son as much as me, but I know you do.”

Buck whimpers and says, “Then maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m the one who needs you.”

“Buck, you can…”

“But I don’t want to, Eddie. Even if I can take care of Christopher on my own, and keep things okay here, I don’t want to. I want you here, I need you, Eddie. Maybe that’s selfish, but I...I need you.”

Eddie looks at Buck and leans over and presses a kiss to his bare wet shoulder.

“I don’t want to leave either of you. But I want the best for both of you.”

“You being here is what is best Eddie.”

Eddie pulls Buck close and kisses across his jaw and whispers, “I love you, Buck. I trust you. I need you. I want you. And I’m not going away forever, I’m coming back. I have to come back, to you, to Christopher. But I need you two to have a great life, you both deserve the best in life.”

“I have a great life, Eddie...I have since the day you let me into your home, and it got better when Christopher came into it, and then it was better again when we finally…”

“I know, I know,” Eddie says kissing along Buck’s jaw.

“I love you, Eddie. I love you and my life has been the very best since you came into it. Everything good in it is because of you and I...I don’t see how you leaving could be for the best.”

Eddie sighs and says, “I’ll be back Buck, I promise. I would never want to leave you. But I really believe it is for the very best.”

After that Buck was there except he wasn’t. He wallowed in bed as Eddie went through basic training, kept his words short.

When he cut his hair, he was pretty sure he saw Buck roll his eyes, followed by him ruffling Christopher’s hair.

“Your head is fuzzy,” Christopher said running his hand over his head.

“You like it?” Eddie asks.

Christopher thinks about it and Buck replies shortly, “That’s a no.”

Christopher giggles and shouts, “No.”

He does like saying no, now, along with copying Buck, so one and the same this time, Eddie supposes.

“And what’s your problem with it?”

“It was fluffy,” Christopher giggles.

“Yeah, it was better fluffy,” Buck says.

At night things are tense, and Eddie is only grateful for the fact that Buck hasn’t turned his back to him or slept somewhere else. No matter how awful, Buck always climbs into bed and settles his head against his chest and holds onto him tightly and whispers ‘I love you.’

In his heart he knows Buck’s pulling away to protect himself, to get used to him not being here. That he’s mad because he loves him so much that the thought of him being away is killing him. He knows that. But it still hurts to see Buck pulling from him, being distant.

Buck’s curled into him one night and Eddie’s only got two more weeks before he’s deployed.

Eddie’s fingers move through Buck’s hair as he stares up at the ceiling.

“Buck,” he whispers.

“Hmm…,” Buck hums.

“Will you talk to me?”

“I’m talking to you.”

“No, actually talk to me.”

“Then let's talk.”

“You're mad at me.”   
  


“Only a little.”

“You seem really upset.”   
  


“Well I am, I’m upset. I’m not mad at you, I’m mad at the situation.”

Eddie sighed and said, “I know it’s not ideal…”

“You sound like Christopher.”

“What?”

“It’s what I imagine he’d sound like if he was a little older. It’s not ideal, but on the bright side. There is no bright side here.”   
  


“More money.”

“I don’t give two shits about the money, Eddie. I would rather not eat, Christopher could have everything I eat in a week if it’d keep you right here. That’s how much I hate this.”

Eddie pulls Buck closer and kisses his face and says, “I love you, Buck.”

Buck sighs heavily and turns to kiss him, soft and slow, “I love you too.”

“I need you guys to have the very best.”

“I know...I just...I have some abandonment issues, I guess."

"Hey, I'm not abandoning either of you, I'm coming back."

"I know...I know that really I do. It just...it feels like I'm being left. Even if I'm not, that's just what it feels like."

Eddie kisses Buck's jaw and holds him close.

"I won't ever leave you, Buck. Not really. Not without coming back as soon as I possibly can. I need you too, always."

Buck nuzzles close and whispers, "You're the best thing that ever happened to me. I don't want to know what my life would be if I hadn't stopped at the gas station and stayed here."

"Neither do I. I couldn't do any of this without you, and I could never be as happy."

Buck rolled over and kissed Eddie sweetly, his fingers moving gently over Eddie's face, kissing him till one or both of them fell asleep.

The day Eddie was deployed was solemn. Buck had stopped being distant, but he could tell Buck was being eaten up inside. He looked tense, sad, always on the brink of tears.

"I'm scared Eddie," Buck whimpered in bed the night before.

"It's all going to be okay," Eddie whispered holding Buck tightly to him.

Buck's breathing came out shallow and shaky as Eddie clutched him close, "I don't know if I can do this."

"You can Buck. I know you can. I trust you."

Buck nods weakly and whispers, "I know, but I've failed people before. But Eddie this is something I absolutely can't fail at. I can't fail Christopher or you, I couldn't forgive myself."

"You won't fail Buck. I know you won't, you won't let yourself fail. You may make some mistakes along the way, but that's to be expected. But you won't fail Buck."

Buck clenches his eyes shut and nods vigorously with his eyes closed as if trying to convince himself. But his skin is clammy, his body is shaking and after a minute he jumps up and says, "I think I'm gonna be sick," before rushing off to the bathroom.

Guilt eats away at Eddie's insides. He knows this will be good for them. But watching as it eats Buck from the inside out is killing him slowly.

Eddie walks into the bathroom and sits beside Buck as he leans over the toilet heaving. He begins rubbing his back and blowing air on him gently, as he sees Buck's brow sweating.

"I know I need to pull it together Eddie. I know there are worse things than this, and that Christopher will need me at my best. Maybe I'm selfish wanting you to not leave, wanting you here with me, holding me every night. But I can't shake this."

Eddie kissed the back of Buck's neck and said softly, "I won't be gone more than six months at a time they said, and we'll talk on the phone or video chat as much as possible, Buck. It won't be as bad as you're imagining it to be."

Buck lifted his head and turned to curl up against Eddie and sighed, "Okay."

Eddie lifted Buck in his arms and carried him back to their bed, kissing along his neck and rubbing his back until he was sure Buck was asleep.

The next day Eddie had to ship out, he could see the pain on Buck's face and when it was finally time to say goodbye, Buck did his best to hold it together.

He saw Buck's lip tremble but he kept his composure, not wanting Christopher to see or cry either. It was little use though cause Christopher wailed anyways.

"Daddy, daddy don't go."

"Shh...baby I'll be back soon enough, and you've got dad, it'll all be okay."

Christopher whimpered but softened and held onto him tightly, as Eddie kissed the side of his head.

He pulled Buck into his arms too and felt Buck let out a silent sob against his shoulder.

"It'll be okay Buck," he whispers pressing a kiss to his cheek.

Buck nods weakly and whispers, "Just promise you'll be back."

"I will. As soon as possible. I promise I'll always come back to you."

Buck nodded and reached up kissing him deeply.

It was time and Eddie had to pull Christopher from him to pass to Buck and Christopher cried again.

Leaving them both hurt, but it was for the best, right? For their well being. Even if it felt like nothing but dread.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me on Tumblr @ diggorypuff


	11. I Can Tell That You Are At Your Best, I'm Selfish So I'm Hating It

Eddie is the one who goes silent for a while, Buck tries to get him out of his head, to not think of it the way he is, but he doesn’t let him.

In Eddie’s mind, he’s the one who failed, not Buck.

Buck has done so good with Christopher, and he managed to keep them afloat and happy all on his own. If only Eddie had been a little smarter or inventive, he could have done so without going to the army, he wouldn’t have had to leave them.

He hates it. He’s happy to see how good Buck and Christopher have done without him. But it hurts to see that there was another way. One that would have kept him with Buck, that would have kept him with them instead of gone. Hates that happiness is possible without him.

Eddie wakes up in bed alone and feels some panic when he doesn’t find Buck next to him. He listens and doesn’t hear him or Christopher in the house and tenses, just as he sits up he hears the front door.

He hears little noises before footsteps approach the room, and Buck enters and smiles gently at him.

Even though he’s upset with himself, the minute Buck smiles at him, he warms up inside.

Buck comes over to the bed and sits down and says, “I was hoping I’d be back before you were up. Didn’t want you to wake up alone.”

“What time is it?”

“Just after 9. Had to take Christopher to school.”

Eddie nodded before asking, “Are you going to go to work?”

“No, my captain gave me time off.”

“How much?”

“As much as I need.”

“That’s nice.”   
  


“He’s a nice guy.”

Eddie hums and Buck sighs and reaches over to take Eddie’s hand.

“Eddie. Talk to me.”

“There’s nothing to say, Buck.”

“We’ve been apart for five years, I think there’s plenty to say.”

Eddie tenses and whispers, “You did it, Buck. You told me not to go to the army, you said we could find another way, that we could make it, but I left. And then five years went by and you managed to make it work. You found a good job, you have a great life here, and it was just you.”

“Eddie, it wasn’t easy. There were a lot of rough parts. I found a way, but it’s not like it was something I found right away. It was two years without you before I found out what I wanted to do. Probably, more than that, cause when I was with you I didn’t know. I just stumbled upon it, found that I loved it. And I wasn’t sure it’d be a good fit with what I had to afford, but it worked out. It still isn’t easy sometimes, but it was just lucky that I found a job I loved.”

Eddie sighed and said, “I failed you two. I left you alone for five years.”

“That wasn’t your choice Eddie.”

“If I had listened to you and hadn’t gone, it wouldn’t have happened.”

“Well now you just know to listen to me and that I’m always right,” Buck muses with a grin.

Eddie breaks a small smile, and Buck cups his cheek stroking it gently, “You didn’t fail me, Eddie. You promised me you’d be back as soon as you could, and you are. You’re here now. It was a long time, but it was as soon as you could.”

Eddie leans into Buck’s touch and looks down sadly, “You seem happy, you have a great life here. I just, I don’t know where I fit.”

Buck frowns and moves to lay down next to Eddie and pulls him close, kissing his forehead. 

“Here, you fit right here,” Buck breathes.

Eddie nuzzles close and clings to Buck, shutting his eyes as he feels Buck’s fingers move through his hair, and listens to his heartbeat inside his chest.

“Our life here is okay, manageable, happy, I suppose. But, it’s so much better with you in it. We missed you so much, Eddie. You’re not the only one who feels like you failed. I feel like I failed a million times over, the past five years. There were times when I wasn’t strong enough or too selfish, or not selfish enough to the point that it hurt me and had the opportunity to hurt others. I haven’t always been the best, it’s been rough, and that’s not your fault. But, you’re not the only one who has felt out of place or like you failed in some way.”

“Buck, Christopher is great, everything you have is great.”   
  


“I didn’t have you, and that put a sour taste to everything. You’re not barging into a life, you’re filling the hole that was always missing Eddie. I mean, it was always like no matter how good anything was, something was missing. Someone missing.”

“I left though.”

“You were trying to help us, Eddie.”

“I risked not coming back, I shouldn’t have.”

“I thought that too. It was part of why I was scared. But now, I understand, trying to care for us, and it felt like the answer or the fit. I haven’t been without fault Eddie. I mean a job as a firefighter isn’t exactly risk-free. Every day I put my life on the line, and I’ve come home many a night thinking I’m selfish for doing so. Selfish for choosing this career when there’s the big possibility that might not make it home, and then what would happen to Christopher if he didn’t have you, Shannon, or me? And even worse I’ve never been the safest, I’ve often been reckless. I guess. I wasn’t in a good place still when we came here. Recklessness was common for me because I didn’t put enough stock into my life with you gone, and it was selfish when there was Christopher to worry about. There were many days during the beginning where I spent days in bed, unmoving, cause I couldn’t. I should have been stronger for Christopher, and less selfish. I made a slew of mistakes to get here.”

Eddie traced his thumb along Buck’s wrist and says, “It just feels like everything has changed so much.”

“Maybe, but not the important things. Christopher and I still love you just as much, maybe even more somehow. We’re still very much the people we were before, just some small bits have changed.”

Eddie presses his cheek to Buck’s chest and whispers, “I love you, so much.”

Buck presses a kiss to Eddie’s temple and whispers, “I love you too.”

Eddie relaxes into Buck’s arms and says, “Tell me about your life now.”

“What do you want to know?”

“Everything.”

Buck chuckles softly and says, “I don’t know if it’ll all just come out like that. Will probably come naturally, but I can tell you some.”

So Buck tells him about the move out here, how he came out and interviewed for a job with the 118, and how it felt like a perfect fit. Finding this place, the different calls he’s gone on at work, Carla, finding a great school for Christopher, the family he’s built within the fire station, and Maddie coming to live with them.

And Eddie listens and wonders if he’ll find what Buck has. A job he enjoys, a group of people who will be like his family, and if this place will ever feel like home.

"Hey, Buck?"

"Yeah?" Buck says beside him, finger tracing along his chest.

"How did you figure out you wanted to a firefighter?"

Buck smiles a bit and says, "One day I was driving to my job at the bar, and there was this bad car accident. So I got out and helped until the fire department arrived. The thrill was one thing, but the fact that I helped save someone felt even better. I felt useful. The fire captain suggested I try and become a firefighter, so I did, I graduated at the top of my class at the academy. But not too much happens in Texas, Los Angeles is the best department...and I was ready to leave. I felt a bit like I was living in a life that was no longer the one I was actually living. It felt I don’t know.”

Eddie nods and whispers, “Yeah. I get why you left, Buck. You didn’t leave a home, you left a place. You took home with you, what you felt was left of it. You took Christopher, you came out here, and wherever you two were, that was home for you.”

“Is this home for you now?”

“Yeah, I’m home,” Eddie whispers and cuddles into Buck’s side.

Buck’s fingers run through his hair and Buck chuckles softly all of the sudden.

“What?” Eddie asks.

“Nothing, it’s just I was thinking of the other things I brought with me here. What was left of home.”

“What’s funny about that?” Eddie says with a slight smirk as he looks up at Buck, trying to stifle his grin in response to Buck’s smile.

“I kept the couch, everyone who comes over here complains about how uncomfortable that damn couch is, and even offers to buy me a new one, but I can’t let go of that couch.”

Eddie stares for a moment before bursting out laughing and burying his face in Buck’s chest.

“Buck, that couch is fucking terrible.”

“It isn’t that bad, I slept on it for over a year, and it was fine!”

“It’s so fucking old.”   
  


“I love that couch.”

“It’s orange, and I’m half-convinced it used to be brown, it might just be Cheeto dust and carrot baby food.”

“It is an important relic Eddie.”   
  


“Yeah, okay Buck.”

“It is. It’s where I slept when you let me into your home, it's where Shannon and I would sit together and talk, and where she let me feel Christopher kick for the first time. It's where I used to take naps with Christopher on my chest when he was a baby. And it's where you and I...the first time."

Eddie listens and yeah, he gets the sentimental value now. What that couch represents to Buck. It represents them, the life Buck cherishes the one that started when he became apart of his life.

Eddie smiles and kisses Buck gently and strokes his cheek.

"Yeah, I get it. But that couch is still terrible, it's so uncomfortable. You should have told me how bad it was, I never would have let you sleep on it. Our first time was the most uncomfortable time ever, because of that damn couch. My back should have been fine in the position we were in, but it was bad for a whole week because of that couch Buck."

"Did it ruin it for you?"

"No."

"Then I see no problem."

"Buck, nothing could have ruined it for me. I mean you got the hiccups in the middle and it still didn't ruin it for me," Eddie laughs.

"If anything could have ruined it, it was you laughing at me getting the hiccups during it, you moron."

"It was funny, you'd hiccup and it'd cause you to clench or bounce," Eddie snorts thinking about it.

"It wasn't funny then and it's not funny now, Eddie," Buck said slapping his arm.

"It was though," Eddie says still laughing, "you kept trying to be sexy throughout it and then you'd hiccup," Eddie giggles almost on the brink of tears.

"I wasn't trying to be sexy, I am sexy," Buck protests.

Eddie just laughs and says, "You got the hiccups. Like how? Did you swallow wrong?" He says ribs hurting from laughing so hard.

Buck wrinkles up his face trying not to smile and kicks at Eddie under the covers, "Shut up or I'll shove you out of this bed and onto the floor."

"You mean like the time you did when you lost balance after I…," Eddie begins laughing as he says it only to stop for a moment as he rolls out of the bed and onto the floor.

Buck peeks over to tell Eddie that is what he deserves but he realizes it's no use because Eddie's now on the floor, still absolutely giddy with laughter.


	12. Of Course, You Have My Body but Now You've Got My Soul

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Good chunk of smut

Things settle between them over the next couple of days, Eddie feels like he’s fitting into this life a little better with each passing day.

Buck walks him through their morning routine, and Eddie rides with him and Christopher to school, and when they go to pick Christopher up, Buck introduces Eddie to Christopher’s teachers and explains the situation and they’re all interested and understanding.

It’s becoming little by little easier to settle into, get used to this new life he’s stepped into.

The space between him and Buck no longer seems so large, perhaps demonstrated by the fact that he falls asleep every night with Buck curled up in his arms, cheek against his chest.

It feels safe, and like he’s home again, but there is so much he doesn’t know, and he’s waiting for something to come and disrupt it all. And then there’s the fact that he can’t just lay around forever, he isn’t sure what he’s going to do.

He knows Buck will have to go back to work soon, that his attention will no longer be on him. He’ll have to find something or sit around at home. 

For now, their days are spent together and Eddie fills himself up with them, each moment he has Buck near is one he cherishes.

They have far more time just together than he thinks they’ve ever had since they met. Since they met there was always something, he was with Shannon, or they had a young baby, all of that meant there was little time with just them. 

He knows how they’d have spent this time then, and it crosses his mind sometimes when he has Buck in his arms while they’re watching a movie, or he sees him stroll into the bedroom after a shower.

But maybe that’s the sign that there is still distance between them because he can’t cross that bridge and reach for Buck or approach the subject of what he wants or aches for.

Things are good though, and Eddie is happy enough with that.

After they drop Christopher off at school one day, Buck gets a call and after a minute he walks away, and Eddie hates the paranoia he feels and the bit of anxiety in the pit of his stomach. His mind wanders to a million things Buck could be discussing and the people he could be talking to. But it’s also the fact that Buck’s walked away from him that makes his stomach stir, he knows he’ll have to get used to it, but the small bits of separation anxiety are still driving him crazy.

Buck comes back and smiles at him gently before settling down beside him, and back into his arms. Relief washes over him the minute he feels Buck sit between his legs, rest his back against his chest, and his head against his shoulder and feels Buck turn his head to press his face into his neck.

Eddie’s arms wrap and tighten around him at that moment cause all is okay and good and whole, the second he does that. 

He feels Buck’s lips ghost against his neck, gentle and fleeting against his skin, but still powerful.

Eddie’s fingers grip Buck’s shirt and he moves his head to find Buck’s lips kissing him deeply, taking the leap to slide his tongue past Buck’s lips.

Buck instantly responds his fingers curling into Eddie’s hair and his tongue moving against his as he groaned into Eddie’s mouth.

Tasting Buck on his tongue he moans back into Buck’s mouth and slides his hand underneath his shirt, fingers tracing across his abdominals.

He feels Buck arch into his touch and open his mouth more and whisper his name weakly.

Eddie grins slightly and lets his fingers move up and tweaks one of Buck’s nipples between his fingers. He hears Buck whimper into his mouth before he pushes up Buck’s shirt and Buck allows him to take it off. He moves his lips to his neck and kisses down to his collarbone hands moving along his chest.

“Eddie,” Buck whimpers softly reaching back for Eddie.

Eddie grins and presses his lips close to Buck’s ear and whispers, “What do you want Buck?”

“Mmm...you...always...please,” Buck breathes.

Eddie lets his hand wander down to undo the button of Buck’s jeans and slides his hand down running his fingers over the outside of Buck’s boxers.

Buck moans and arches his back and pleads softly, “Eddie, I want...I need.”

“I know baby, I need you too, it’s been so long.”

Buck whines and squirms pressing himself up into his hand, and Eddie lets his hand slip into Buck’s boxers and wrap around him giving him a few strokes.

Buck practically shouts as his head is thrown back and he cries out Eddie’s name desperately, and Eddie lets his thumb swipe over Buck’s tip feeling the pre-cum already leaking from it.

He pulls his hand out of Buck’s boxers much to Buck’s displeasure and sucks on his thumb slowly tasting Buck before pressing his lips to Buck’s and slipping his tongue into his mouth so he can taste himself.

Buck whines and turns in Eddie’s arms pressing him into the couch and pulling off his shirt, faster than he did the first time even.

The thought makes Eddie giggle softly against Buck’s lips and Buck groans softly and says, “I hate to ask, cause I’m physically dying right now, but why the fuck are you laughing?”

“I’m just thinking about the first time we had sex on this couch,” Eddie laughs.

Buck smiles against Eddie’s lips and sucks softly on Eddie’s bottom lip and says, “Technically we only got so far on the couch before we fell on the floor.”

Eddie laughs and says, “Well maybe you need a better balance.”

“I’m pretty out of practice.”

“Me too.”

“So this is going to be a typical, Buck and Eddie disaster is what you’re saying?”

“Probably.”

“Good then things are back to normal,” Buck grins and reaches down undoing Eddie’s jeans.

Eddie smiles genuinely and pulls Buck tighter against him and grinds his crotch against Buck’s watching as Buck’s mouth falls open and a moan slips from his lips.

“Eddie, fuck, I need you.”

Eddie smiles and pushes Buck’s jeans and boxers down and Buck kicks them from his ankles and is immediately grinding down against Eddie needily

Eddie lets Buck grind against him watching as Buck seems to lose himself as he presses down against his leg.

“Eddie, I’m gonna...fuck,” Buck says sounding wrecked.

“Go ahead baby, cum and I’ll make you cum again,” Eddie tells him running his fingers through Buck’s hair and tugging it gently.

Buck rolls his hips down against Eddie’s thigh, his mouth hanging open loosely as he lets go, jets of cum spurting across Eddie’s bare thighs, chest, and hips as Buck pants out his name helplessly.

“Don’t worry baby I’ve got you,” Eddie says reaching down and stroking Buck through his orgasm as Buck’s hips jolt against his leg.

Eddie runs his fingers through Buck’s cum before sucking it from his fingers as Buck moans weakly.

Eddie grins and lifts Buck a bit switching their positions so that Buck’s chest is now pressed against the couch.

Buck whines softly grinding himself down against the couch, as Eddie’s lips find his ear and whisper, “Shh...it’s okay baby, I’ve got you,” and begins to kiss down to the base of his spine before pressing his thumb against Buck’s hole and feeling it clench as Buck lets out a desperate moan.

“I know baby, you need me, and I’m going to take good care of you,” Eddie promises before spreading Buck’s cheeks apart and pressing his tongue flat against Buck’s hole and swiping his tongue against it.

  
Buck practically raises himself from the couch trying to arch into it, and the moan he lets out is filled with the utmost desperation, as his hips rock down into the couch.

“Eddie, please, please,” Buck whimpers out.

Eddie responds by plunging his tongue into Buck and letting it lap and curl inside Buck, as he slides a finger in slowly.

Buck pants, arches, and then relaxes around it, whining loudly as Eddie moves his tongue and finger inside Buck, side by side.

“Eddie, Eddie, Eddie,” Buck calls out with each flick of Eddie’s tongue inside him.

He knows how much Buck loves this remembers how Buck always fell apart when Eddie did this, and he can see it now as Buck’s thighs shake as he presses himself back against Eddie’s tongue.

Eddie runs his hand over Buck’s lower back as he eases a second finger in making Buck gasp and rock back against Eddie’s fingers with a pathetic whine.

Eddie curls his fingers inside Buck, grinning as Buck lets out a whimper bounces back against Eddie’s fingers before his arms collapse under him, “Fuck Eddie, there, there.”

Eddie grins and lets his fingers press against that place inside Buck, watching him lose himself, eyes rolling back in his head, and his lips letting loose repeated calls of Eddie’s name.

Eddie pulls his tongue and fingers from Buck and kisses along his thighs as Buck squirms and whines when Eddie’s tongue and fingers leave him.

“Eddie,” Buck pleads.

Eddie slides his hands underneath Buck pressing them against his stomach and pulling him into his arms and into his lap, kissing along his neck and jaw.

“I want you,” Eddie whispers his fingers moving along Buck’s chest.

Buck nods and grinds down against Eddie, “I need you, Eddie.”

Eddie dips his fingers into Buck’s mouth watching as Buck sucks on them slowly before he pulls them out and runs his hand over this length before gripping it and guiding it to Buck’s hole.

Buck tries to press down immediately as Eddie grips his hips and whispers, “Shh...easy there.”

He hears Buck take a breath and relax in his arms as he presses into him slowly, and Buck gasps softly and groans as he sinks down.

Eddie kisses his neck and whispers, “I love you,” softly into Buck’s ear.

“I love you too,” Buck breathes hand entwining with Eddie’s as he begins rocking down against Eddie.

Buck’s tight and the litany of moans he lets out with each thrust in and out and it’s driving him mad, as he grips Buck’s hips guiding him with each thrust.

“Fuck, Eddie,” Buck whimpers grinding his hips down against Eddie to find that magic place inside him that’ll make him fall apart.

Eddie picks up his thrusts, thrusting harder and faster into Buck, pulling his hips closer to get a better angle. He thrusts deeper and groans in Buck’s ear, “You feel so good Buck, so good.”

Buck whimpers and bounces back against Eddie before gasping, “Eddie, Eddie, please, again.”

Eddie growls softly and nips at Buck’s neck and rocks into the same spot as before as Buck moans, again and again, his fingers digging into Eddie's hand.

“Eddie, I’m close, so close,” Buck whimpers as Eddie reaches around and wraps his hand around Buck’s cock stroking him in his hand.

“Come for me baby, again,” Eddie breathes in Buck’s ear, still keeping his strokes in tune with his thrusts.

Buck gasps and rides down against Eddie and moans as he releases, clenching around Eddie.

Eddie moans and sucks on Buck’s neck and strokes Buck through the orgasm and thrusts till he brings himself to his own, which results in Buck tightening around him again and moaning his name as Eddie spills into him. He thrusts through his climax, his face dipping into Buck’s neck, kissing along his shoulder.

Buck whines softly as Eddie pulls out of him and holds him close and runs his hands over Buck’s skin.

Buck turns and buries his face into Eddie’s shoulder and clings to him before whispering, “I love you so much, Eddie.”

“I love you too, Buck. So much.”

Buck curls into Eddie’s arms and brushes his lips against Eddie’s and whispers, “You’re home.”

“Yeah, I’m home, I’m with you, so I’m home.”


	13. You Were Always Stronger Than My Walls

After that Eddie feels more at ease with things, touching Buck comes easier. He feels slightly less tense when Buck steps away and doesn’t instantly panic. He feels as if he finally sinks into a position. He feels like Buck’s partner again and Christopher’s dad, rather than a stranger.

He doesn’t even panic when he wakes up alone in bed, he simply gets up and walks towards the kitchen like it’s his house, which he’s starting to accept that it is. He hears Buck and Maddie talking in the hallway and stops a bit not walking straight out.

“They’re not pressuring you, Buck, you know that they’re just worried about you. I mean Chim has seen you and met Eddie and has seen that you’re both fine and passed it along, but the other’s can’t help but worry and miss you. I mean...you made a family out of them when I wasn’t here and Eddie was gone...they were yours and Christopher’s only real family here, and they’re not used to you not being around them constantly. They just miss you and want to see you and be a part of your life still, I think they just feel like they’re not. And they want to meet Eddie and make him a part of it too. It won’t be a big party, just Bobby, Athena, Hen, Karen, Chim, me, and the kids. 

Eddie tenses a bit, at names he doesn’t know, at a life he isn’t a part of. It’s outside of the life he’s found in this little bubble, with Buck and Christopher, and sometimes Maddie and Chim.

He sees Buck cross his arms and say, “I don’t know Maddie.”

“Well, when are you going to go back to your job Buck?” Maddie asks.

“I don’t know,” Buck says sounding angry.

“You love your job Buck, you’re obsessed with it, you go in sick and after injury, when people tell you not to, and you’re just...you don’t care about going back?”

“I still love it Maddie, but...it’s just…”

“Just what?”

“I think part of the reason I was so obsessed with it was cause I needed it. For money to raise Christopher, sure, but also to give me something to distract me, to feel like I was good at something…”

“But you didn’t have that before. You said you never had a job that made you feel good at anything till you joined the 118.”

“I didn’t, but...as much as my job was crap, I felt good about keeping Eddie and Christopher safe and happy and keeping us all together. Then…”

“Then Eddie left, they said he was dead, and you and Christopher weren’t happy anymore…”

“I thought I was good at that, so I didn’t have to feel good at a job, that meant nothing so long as I had Christopher and Eddie and they were happy and safe and we were all together.”

“You can’t blame yourself for what happened,” Maddie says and rubs Buck’s arm.

Buck goes to speak but Eddie beats him to it and says, “You can’t, cause it’s my fault.”

Buck and Maddie both turn to him wide-eyed and Buck steps towards him, “Eddie, no…”

“It is. I’m the one who left. You told me not to go, I didn’t listen.”

“Eddie, we talked about this, it’s fine, it wasn’t your fault, you wanted to come back, and you did,” Buck tries to explain making a move towards him.

Eddie steps back though and says, “You should go back to work. I’m holding you back, I’ve done enough of that in the five years I was gone. You should go, it’s fine, I’m fine, we’re fine. But you should go back, and tell the people you work with that we’ll go to the party.”

“Eddie, I don’t need to go back right now. I like being home with you and Christopher.”

Eddie sighs and looks over Buck’s shoulder at Maddie, and says, “Maddie, tell Chim that Buck will be back within a week and to tell the rest of them to go ahead and set up the party, we’ll be there.”

Maddie bites her lip and looks at Buck who’s just staring into Eddie, before he turns on his heel and retreats back to their room, shutting the door behind him.

Buck doesn’t come, but a couple of hours later the door and opens and Eddie does expect it to be Buck and simply says, "I don't want to talk about it anymore, Buck."

"Not Buck, it's Maddie, but you two do need to start talking," Maddie says.

Eddie turns over and sees Maddie standing in the room with her arms crossed over her chest. Eddie sits up slowly and says, "Look I'm sorry if I upset him, Maddie."

"No, you look, I don't know what you two are going through, the only people that do are the two of you. So you need to talk about it. I think you two should go to therapy."

Eddie rolls his eyes and says, "And what will that do?"

"They can help facilitate the conversation. And fuck if you two don't need it individually. You two have been through hell."

"I put us both through it. Mines deserved."

Maddie frowns and says, "Well you need to talk about that if it's how you feel and you seem to need some help doing that, so again therapy. I already told Buck, and now I'm telling you. I already called and set it up, you have an appointment tomorrow."

Buck comes back at night, he always does, did before and still does now. And that's comforting, that stability. Even more so when Buck doesn't even hesitate before sliding into his arms, his cheek against his shoulder.

"Did Maddie talk to you?" Buck whispers after awhile.

"She did," Eddie answers back.

Buck's silent for a moment before saying, "Can you not just talk to me?"

"Guess not," he sighs.

Buck's body goes a bit limp and Eddie tightens his arm around his waist.

"It's not that I don't want to," Eddie explains, "I just...can't."

"Maybe it'll help then," Buck says a lackluster twinge of hope in his voice.

"Yeah," Eddie says, "Maybe."

When they go the next day, the office is rather plain but with pictures, Eddie assumes they are supposed to be cheerful.

The doctor is a woman who smiles at the two of them and ushers them into the office and gestures to a comfy yellow couch, that they both settle onto, Buck's thigh against his and his hand on his knee, while Eddie's arm rests behind Buck, over his shoulder.

He feels the therapist's eyes observing him already and she says, "Huh. Well you two are certainly a lot closer to one another than most couples I see. Normally they sit as far apart as the couch allows. You two are sitting almost on top of each other. So what seems to be the issue?"

"There isn't one," they both say together.

She frowns and says, “Alright, then we’ll go off what I see, just in posture. Buck here has positioned his body in front of you, which should be nearly impossible, but his body has been moved so that his shoulder is in front of yours, rather than lined up next to yours. His hand is on your knee further putting him on top of you. From this I get that he feels the need to protect you and put himself in front of you to take anything that might come both of your guys way. And Eddie, Buck is holding you as close to his side as humanly possible. His arm is around your shoulder, holding you tight, and his thigh is right up against yours. So what I can gather is that you Buck feel the need to protect him and you Eddie feel the need to keep Buck as close as you can. So tell me why that is.”

Eddie hadn’t noticed that Buck had positioned himself that way, and he found himself looking at Buck for an answer too.

Buck’s hand tightened on Eddie’s knee and he said, “Because I failed to protect him before.”

Eddie opens his mouth to deny that but the therapist holds up her hand to him to stop him and says, “Leave it for now. Eddie, why do you need to keep Buck close?”

“Cause I was unable to have him close for a long time, and...the best days of my life have been the ones in which he was as close as possible, and the worst days were the ones when he was the furthest away.”

“What were the best days?” She asks.

“Well it wasn’t the greatest cause my son's mother died, but my son was also born, but that was one of them, it was the first time he held me too, and I was the most scared I had ever been up to that point, and he was there, and I knew he wasn’t going anywhere.”

“How?”

“How what?”

“How did you know he wasn’t going anywhere?”

He thinks to say that Buck told him so, but that wasn’t it, he isn’t exactly sure what it was.

He swallows and shrugs and says, “I don’t know, I just knew, he...it was...I loved him...even when I was with Shannon...I was terrified I might have to choose, and I had a kid and that meant I couldn’t have him. And even when Shannon died I didn’t think I could have him cause I didn’t know he felt that way for me, I just thought he was Buck. He cares about people to extremes I’ve never seen, I thought that was just him, not about me. But...when he came in with our son, with Christopher, I already saw that Buck was Christopher’s dad, he just, everything from the way he held him, looked at him, spoke about and to him said so. Christopher was his and I wondered what it meant I was, but he pressed Christopher into my arms and said he was mine, even though I just knew in my heart Christopher was his too. Then Buck pulled me into his arms and was holding both me and Christopher, and I knew I was his, just like Christopher was. Buck never had much, he slept on my couch, and he never wasted what he did have, so I knew I guess that...he wasn’t going anywhere that Christopher and I weren’t, he’d take us with him. The only thing I didn’t know then was that he was mine too, I wanted him to be I got jealous when anyone else wanted him or seemed to want him, and a lot of people did. I just knew he wasn’t going anywhere without taking me with him, cause I was his at that point.”

“You felt protected by him, and like he needed you cause he didn’t have a lot, and you and Christopher were what he did have,” the therapist synthases.

“Yeah,” Eddie mutters, he can’t look at Buck.

“So what’s changed?” She asks.

“He has a lot more now. He’s had a life without me and he’s been happy without me, has more people, people I don’t know, a job that’s given him and Christopher a lot, what I failed to, and Christopher is his, has been just his for years now.”

The therapist nods and looks to Buck and says, “And how do you feel about that Buck?”

“It might be his truth, but it's not mine. I...I was never happy, I survived him not being here, and I didn’t want to, I didn’t want to survive, I thought he was dead and I wished I was too, but I knew he wouldn’t want me to be dead, cause I had to be there for Christopher. I was never happy though,” Buck turns to him and his eyes are teary, “I wasn’t Eddie, not for a single second, I’ve been miserable, everything I have now...hasn’t been something I went out searching for. I got here did my job got paid to take care of Christopher, did my job as a parent, and then went to bed and cried myself to sleep every night cause I wasn’t happy. I didn’t find a new family, they found me, they picked me like you did in the gas station, but unlike you, I didn’t come willingly. I dragged my feet, I kept my distance, and then when I let them in it wasn’t really for me, it was so Christopher had more people. They didn’t even like me all that much at first I don’t think, they liked Christopher. I wasn’t nice Eddie, I wasn’t good for anyone but Christopher once you were gone, cause that was all I saw required of me. But time went by and I opened up a bit, let them in, let them make me a better dad and I started to like my job a bit more than just for the purpose of a paycheck. It helped, but I wasn’t happy, not in the way I was. If I could go back to Texas, be a crappy bartender, but come home to you and you felt the same comfort you did then I would, even if you came back five years later, if you could just feel safe and like nothing had changed, I would, cause I don’t care about anything I have now, that I didn’t have then. Not really, what I care about is you and Christopher. And if what we need to do is go back to Texas, get our old jobs back and buy our old house, I’m on board. I just want you to feel okay again.”

The therapist listens and Eddie listens and he sees Buck has had happy points but not true happiness. Not the settled happiness he had back when they were in Texas before Eddie left and then didn’t come back. Buck’s been in pain every day and he hasn’t been Buck, he’s just been Christopher’s dad and in a way Eddie’s widower.

Eddie wipes the tear Buck has falling down his cheek and says, “I don’t want that.”

“Then what do you want Eddie?” Buck asks possibly beating the therapist to the punch, “I just want you happy, I just want you safe, I want you to know what you did when I held you the day Christopher was born.”

Eddie bites the inside of his lip and says, “I don’t know. I want that too.”

“So what is it going to take Eddie?” The therapist asks him. “He can’t go back, and you don’t want him to give up these things, so what is it?”

“I don’t know. I just...I knew then, it was nothing specific he did, I just knew.”

“And you don’t now?” She asks.

“I know, I just...I don’t sometimes. I go into a tailspin over little things, when I feel separated from him. Like there’s this one life that’s ours and Christopher’s, and then another that’s just his and Christoper’s.”

“Alright, now let's go back to you Buck, and how you feel like you failed to protect Eddie, why do you feel that way?”

“He’s hurt, he’s spent five years in pain, and I didn’t protect him from it,” Buck says.

“You weren’t there, and even if you were you couldn’t have, I don’t blame you for it, I blame myself,” Eddie says.

“But I didn’t protect you here either,” Buck says.

Eddie stares at him and says, “What...Buck, you always have…”

“No, I didn’t. I didn’t make our life good enough, or happy enough, or safe enough, so you went to try and make it that way yourself, you left because our life wasn’t good enough, I didn’t do a good enough job at protecting our life together. And once you were gone I didn’t do a good job at protecting our life and making it feel safe when you came back.”

“You didn’t know I was coming back, and I didn’t leave cause of you,” Eddie says.

“But I didn’t do enough to make you stay,” Buck whispers.

Eddie looks at Buck sadly, he doesn’t know what to do, he just wants to pull Buck into his arms and keep him there, cause now he knows the truth isn’t that Buck didn’t keep him safe, but Eddie didn’t keep Buck safe.

“Alright, there’s something I want you two to do, I want you to switch mentalities for the next week. Eddie, I want you to consciously take over the protector role that Buck has, I want you to actively think about protecting Buck however you take that to be. And Buck, I want you to actively think about keeping Eddie close, physically or emotionally, just keep it in mind, and we’ll talk about how it went and what it brought out for both of you, next session.”


	14. A Good Lesson in Love

They follow the therapist's advice, at least Eddie thinks they are. Eddie is more mindful of Buck, what he’s doing, where he is, and maybe protection manifests in him taking a bit more control. He drives the car, he orders them food when they go out with Christopher, and he parents Christopher a bit more, taking care of the morning routine.

He sees it as putting himself in front of Buck, by being in control, and it kind of feels good, he feels more useful.

And Buck, he feels him taking the advice too, he’s closer to him, he touches Eddie in passing, keeps his chair close to Eddie’s at dinner, so they almost bump elbows, and he talks to Eddie more. He lets him know what he’s doing and where he’s at, and he discusses different actions involving Christopher before just doing them.

Buck seemingly is reprogramming himself away from being the only one other than Christopher that he has to actively think about. And it helps, he feels more involved. 

At night Eddie climbs into bed and without a bit of hesitation, Buck reaches for him and pulls his arm around him and holds his hand close to his chest. And it’s perfect for him cause it’s a position that feels protective.

Eddie kisses along Buck’s neck and whispers, “I love you.”

He feels Buck shake softly and smile before saying, “I know. And I love you,” Buck says turning over and running his fingertips down Eddie’s cheek, his eyes searching Eddie’s face.

Eddie knows what for too, and cups Buck’s cheek and whispers, “I know too.” He presses his face close to Buck's, kissing him soft and slow, hand underneath Buck’s shirt and stroking his hip before breathing, “And do you know that you’re the love of my life, and the only one I’ll ever love? Do you know that?” He asks.

He pulls back to see Buck’s face and sees Buck looking up at him like he’s floating somewhere far away, except Buck’s fingers trace down his chest telling him that he’s right here. He nods slowly and whispers, “I know...I do.”

Buck leans up and kisses him again, fingers pressed against the back of his neck, and then pulls away and strokes his cheekbones with his thumbs and says, “You’re the love of my life too Eddie, the only one I’ve had or wanted. I never could love anyone else, and I don’t mean it just in the intense way I love you, but at all.”

Eddie looks at Buck and kisses him deeply and says, “You mean you never…”

“No,” Buck answers quickly, “never, and I wouldn’t have.”

“Five years, Buck,” Eddie whispers against Buck’s lips.

“I know.”

  
He kissed along Buck’s shoulder and said, “You’re my Buck.”

“Always,” Buck replies easily, as Eddie rests his head against Buck’s chest listening to his heartbeat underneath his chest. He knows Buck is safe, cause his heart is beating and he’s close. Buck’s fingers move through his hair and Eddie thinks about how when he was a kid his parents were obsessed with the Kennedy’s. His mother grew up in Texas and was a kid when he was assassinated, and his father had always liked John F Kennedy and Robert Kennedy after he moved to the states.

But he remembers his parents talking about how after Robert Kennedy died Ethel Kennedy never loved anyone else, never remarried, had another man in her life, she was forty with eleven children to raise on her, and was probably ninety-something now, and still never had anyone else. He always thought that it was romantic, but also sad, and he aches to think that it would have been Buck if he never came back. Never having love again like he deserved, and nothing but Christopher.

He feels Buck hold him closer and hears Buck say, “I can hear you thinking.”

“I wouldn’t want you to be alone that long.”

“I wanted to be. It’s not like it wasn’t on offer, or I felt like I was hurting you….I just…”

“Didn’t want to.”

“Yeah, it wouldn’t be anything, plus Christopher is ours, I could never get that out of my mind, he’s ours, no one else's, and if he’s not someone else's too then they don’t belong. Only you belong.

Eddie shuts his eyes and adjusts so Buck is protected against his chest, and also close because Buck’s slid his leg in between Eddie’s and purposely tangled himself up with him.

\---  
Eddie’s happy with how things are going, but the night of the welcome back party the 118 has set up he feels tense, worried, but less than he normally would cause Buck is staying close to him.

His arms wrap about Eddie’s waist as he looks in the mirror, getting more self-conscious about the little scars he has still, on his forehead, a small one on his cheek, his jaw, his lip, his chin, his neck, his collarbone, his hands, and he wears a long sleeve and jeans to cover up the rest.

“You have nothing to worry about,” Buck whispers, kissing the scar on Eddie’s jaw.

He feels safe in Buck’s arms, held close, with Buck kissing his scars, cause he immediately leans down to kiss the one on his collarbone, seemingly reading his mind.

“I look...well like a war victim.”

“You look beautiful,” Buck says, kissing the scar on Eddie’s cheek and takes Eddie’s hand up to his to kiss it. He feels warm from within because Buck has seen all his scars, knows where they are, knows what has changed in his appearance since he got back and he still looks at him the same, and thinks he is beautiful.

Eddie rests his head back against Buck and nuzzles into Buck’s neck, “You’re not too bad either.”

“Thanks for that,” Buck laughs and spins Eddie around and kisses him softly, before undoing a button on Eddie’s shirt.

“You’re beautiful, Eds, you can show more,” Buck says, sucking on the scar on Eddie’s lip.

Eddie hums and then buttons Buck’s shirt up more as Buck raises his brows, “And I don’t want anyone looking at you.”

Buck grins and says, “But don’t you want to look at me?”

Eddie blinks before undoing two buttons, which earns him another grin from Buck before his hand moves to the small of Eddie’s back pulling him in and kissing him hungrily which Eddie easily reciprocates, with his hand moving to untuck Buck’s shirt before he hears Christopher call out, “Dad.”

He sees Buck flinch in the direction of Christopher’s voice before stilling so Eddie can handle it.

Eddie sighs and kisses Buck one more time before saying, “I got it.”

He goes to Christopher’s bedroom and says, “What do you need buddy?”

“Oh...I need my drawings for the team….dad keeps them safe for me.”

He needs his other dad, Eddie feels that hit for a moment and nods shortly and calls out, “Buck.”

“Desk drawer,” Buck calls back.

And Eddie feels a bit of relief cause Buck really does want to give him the reins on a lot of this, but he worries that maybe even if Buck trusts him and believes in him, that Christopher doesn’t, when Buck’s been his only dad for years.

He goes to the desk drawer and pulls out a stack of drawings and hands them to Christopher who seems happy enough and Buck comes out and spins the keys on his finger and says, “Ready?”

“Ready,” Christopher says and reaches up, and Buck takes him immediately and hands Eddie the keys and kisses Eddie’s cheek, as Eddie picks up Christopher’s crutches. Eddie packs them into the car as Buck gets Christopher settled in, before he gets into the passenger's seat, his fingers moving along Eddie’s arm when Eddie sits down. Eddie looks to him and sees only admiration in Buck’s eyes, and it settles him as he feels like he’s entering a wolves dens tonight. 

They arrive at the house that apparently belongs to Bobby and Athena who from what Chim, Maddie, and Buck tell him are like the 118’s mom and dad. Buck hands Christopher to him and Buck grabs the crutches this time, immediately coming to Eddie’s side once he has them, and Eddie holds Christopher with one arm, balancing him on one of his hips while wrapping his arm around Buck’s waist and holding him against his other hip. Buck knocks on the door and Eddie’s heart goes into his throat, but he catches Buck’s eyes and they’re nothing but calm and reassuring, and Christopher’s got his arm securely around his neck, making him feel even more safe.

The door swings open and a woman who would intimidate the hell out of Eddie even if he didn’t know she was a cop, observes them with hawkish eyes, as if she can’t help but gauge everything beforehand. She eventually smiles and hugs Buck tightly, “Our good old Buck finally came back.”

“Wasn’t gone that long,” Buck says hugging her back.

“Well no, I suppose two months wouldn’t be long for you, but we all missed you just the same,” she says, keeping her arms on Buck’s arms when he pulls away, looking him over curiously before seeming to smile brightly. 

“I missed you too, Athena.”

She smiles and turns her attention to Eddie looking him up and down before nodding, “Chim’s right, pictures don’t do you justice.”

“Starting to think that’s a bad thing, I apparently don’t photograph well,” Eddie chuckles nervously.

“You photograph fine, the reality is just much better,” Athena says.

“Agreed,” Buck says and Eddie turns to see Buck eying him up and down and he blushes a bit at that, biting his tongue, cause with Buck he knows it’s nothing but a compliment.

“You all seem well,” Athena finally decides and she looks a little more relaxed with that.

“We are,” Buck says and touches Eddie’s back, which calms him.

“Couldn’t help but worry about you Buck, you know. Bobby’s been nearly impossible to keep at bay, you two are so close, every week you didn’t show back up or come to dinner, has been rough.”

Eddie feels bad, like he’s kept Buck to himself, selfishly, when other people need and want him around.

“Well if it helps I’ve been impressing Eddie for the past two months with my new and improved cooking skills,” Buck says.

Athena looks to Eddie and he pats his stomach, “It’s been a good surprise. Think I’ve gained almost all my weight back.”

“Bobby does like to make sure his crew, including the little ones are well fed,” she says smiling at Christopher.

“Speaking of which, how are you, little man?”

“Good,” Christopher says beaming, and clutching his drawings, which he passes to Buck to sort through, and Buck pulls out the one for Athena and says, “Here you go, this one's for you.”

She takes it smiling and says, “I love it, amazing and probably going into my office, feels extra special, thank you.”

“Your welcome,” Christopher smiles.

She leads them in deciding that the rest of the crew deserves to see them too, and Eddie feels some panic at having more than just one new person to deal with, but Buck slides his hand into his and squeezes tightly and that makes things better.

“Damn Chim, you weren't lying and I'm gay," the woman Eddie knows is Hen from what Buck told him.

"Okay, would you all stop salivating over my guy?" Buck says.

"Can you blame us, the only person's horn you toot more than your own is his, and considering you've highly oversold yourself, we can't help but consider this might be the same," Hen says.

"Hey," Eddie says, not liking the comment on Buck.

"Oh yeah, I forgot to mention to you that Eddie thinks Buck walks on water too, so that kind of teasing isn’t condoned,” Chim says.

“No wonder he was so grumpy and miserable, prince charming,” Hen gestures at Eddie.

She stands though and comes to Buck and hugs him tight like Athena and Buck responds similarly, unphased by behavior Eddie isn’t used to, taking the teasing as an attack on Buck, who he’s never seen have much confidence in the first place.

“We’ve missed you, Buck, you’re good?”

“Great,” Buck smiles and Hen smiles back and touches his cheek and says, “Good.”

“And you, we’ve missed you too,” she says looking to Christopher, “Denny especially.”

Eddie lets her take Christopher from him and instantly gravitates closer to Buck who decides to take him to Bobby who is higher intensity cause he knows him and Buck are close, but somehow he’s less nerve-wracking cause that’s his personality.

“It’s nice to meet you, Eddie,” Bobby says shaking his hand, you know like a normal person.

“Nice to meet you too, I’ve heard a lot about you,” Eddie says.

“Likewise.”

“And for the record, I don’t walk on water like everyone says,” Eddie tells him as a joke.

“They’re just teasing. Teasing Buck is a favorite pastime for the team, but it’s entirely out of love, I can assure you. Buck’s in our family, and now so are you,” Bobby says clapping Eddie on the shoulder.

“Thanks,” Eddie says glancing over at Buck who gives him a small smile and shuffles closer.

“It’s a given, we’re all a big family here. We chose each other, we all love each other, and now you’re one of us,” Bobby says easily.

Eddie nods cause he knows how important the family who chooses you is to Buck especially. Cause Eddie chose him too, and Buck in return chose him back. 

“Uh...thank you, though Bobby, for uh watching out for them, Buck and Christopher, for keeping them safe and uh okay, while I wasn’t here.”

Bobby looks at Eddie, and says, “Again it was no problem. We all love Buck and Christopher.”

“Still, thank you,” he says and looks at Buck who’s blushing a bit at his side.

They do split off, though he feels Buck’s eyes on him often, and Eddie’s eyes float to him too as he makes conversation with all these new people.

“I wasn’t being mean to Buck before, just so you know. I really was only joking,” Hen explains to him later, with Chim sitting down beside her.

“I just don’t know the dynamic, and Buck has never been the most confident and secure person, and I hate to think of anyone tearing him down.”

“We certainly weren’t meaning it that way,” Hen says.

“But really, Buck, insecure, I’d like to see it. Not really, but still a middle ground would be nice,” Chim says.

“Buck can be a little overconfident and reckless and braggadocious at times, but we’re used to it. But we also know he can be pretty sensitive and takes blows pretty hard, so we try to not dive into him too hard,” Hen says.

“I’ve never known Buck to be overconfident or braggadocious,” Eddie says.

“You should have been there for the firefighter calendar incident then, lord that was a headache.”

“Kind of, but it was the end of the summer, so probably just a distraction,” Hen says softly.

And Eddie knows what for, he went missing during the summer, and he looks down, seemingly noticing his mood shift, Buck is with him in an instant and has slid into his lap, allowing Eddie to wrap his arms around his waist and cradle him, keeping him safe.

“Have you been mean to him?” Buck asks Hen and Chim, there’s a playful and serious lilt in Buck’s voice competing at the same time.

“No,” Chim and Hen both say.

“Well have you made him uncomfortable by being mean to me?” Buck asks next, which is probably more valid than the other accusation.

“Only a little, we were just talking about the firefighter calendar,” Chim says.

“Did you give him one, and offer to sign it Chim? We get it you won over me, I was gracious.”

  
“Eventually,” Chim mutters.

“What you lost?” Eddie asks.

“Yep, I beat him. They found me more attractive I guess.”

Buck rolls his eyes and Eddie stares and accidentally slips out a, “But how?”

Buck lets out a bellowing laugh and turns in Eddie’s arms, cups his face and kisses him and says, “Thank you.”

“Well it’s been a fun five minutes seeing you two together, but Maddie was right, you two are nauseating levels of in love and romantic. Good to have you both back,” Hen says patting both him and Buck on the back, as Eddie continues to hold Buck on his lap, except now he’s turned sidewise, with an arm draped around his neck, and his legs over his thighs.

Karen, Hen’s wife comes by to follow Hen and touches their shoulders as well and says, “I think it’s cute,” before walking off.

Buck smiles and mouths ‘thanks’ before looking down at Eddie and kissing him again, at which point Chim huffs and says, “Yep, I’m done” and leaves them be.


	15. My Once in a Lifetime

When they go to therapy this time, Eddie’s pretty happy and satisfied with how things have gone, so maybe he believes in this a little more than he had.

He opens the door for Buck and Buck waits for him holding his hand as they go inside and sit on the couch. He feels Buck close to his side instantly and wraps his arm around him, fingers pressed against Buck’s ribs.

He feels the therapist's eyes and she asks, “So how did the assignment go?”

“Good,” they both say in unison.

  
“What about it was good?” She asks.

“I felt like I had a role, that Buck wasn’t just flying solo, in familiar territory, or with me in the backseat. I felt like I was in the driver's seat, or at least got to become familiar with the unfamiliar. It was nice.”

“And Buck?”

“It felt like he was more at home, comfortable. Like I could let him in more without startling him with how things might have changed. And I just felt that he knew with all the changes, what hasn’t changed is how I feel about him.”

“Have you felt Eddie being protective?”

“Yeah, but at the same time…”

“At the same time what?”

“He’s always been my protector,” Buck says kind of tilting his head.

“How?” She asks.

“He saw that I was lost and had nowhere to go, and he invited me into his home...he didn’t need me then...he was doing alright then. Maybe he needed me once Shannon died and he had Christopher to raise on his own, but he didn’t need me before. He saved me, he protected me and brought me home. Then he never told me to leave, he kept me safe and happy there. And even when he left and went to war...he was protecting me, cause he wasn’t just fighting for our country, but for me and Christopher, for our safety, and well being. He’s always been my protector, from others, the world, and myself.”

“Eddie, how does that feel, knowing you’ve always been his protector?”

“Good...but he’s wrong.”

“About?”

Buck’s eyes are on him worried and while he thinks Buck overestimates his qualities, and he did a poor job at protecting him, that’s not his qualm.

“He says I didn’t need him before Christopher was born, and it’s not true. I needed him the moment I saw him.”

“Why?” The therapist asks.

“It’s a dumb comparison but...sometimes when we’d drive and there’d be a house we always passed, a car, or a horse and my dad would point and say, ‘you see that house or that car or that horse’ that’ll be mine one day. I’d ask him what he meant and he’d say that one day, somehow it’d be his, and he did buy that house one day when we had enough money, got that horse when it was old, and the car when he had enough money for it too. And when I saw Buck, it wasn’t that first day I spoke to him. I saw him a bit before that in passing, and it was like that, it was like I was in the car and pointing out to him and saying he’d someday be mine, one day, somehow, he would be. I talked to my dad one weekend and I asked him if he remembered that he did that, and he said yeah. I thought he just wanted those things, but he said ‘El que no llora, no mama.’ Which translates to literally ‘he who does not cry does not suck.’ But in English it means, things go to those who need them.’ He said he needed those things, the house and car were needed to care for his family better, and the horse was for us kids. And I guess it was like that when I saw Buck, I needed him, but it wasn’t for something else or someone else, it was for me. I needed him for me, he was mine, but you can’t get anything just by wanting it, you have to fight for it, I had to go after him.”

“He was yours,” the therapist repeats.

“Always has been, always will be.”

“Is that how you see it, Buck?” She asks.

“I’ve always been Eddie’s. When he invited me to that party, that day, I didn’t know what to think. If he was into me, or friendly, or what the hell he was attempting with me. And when I went and met Shannon, I was...both confused and thought I had it figured out. He wanted me to be his friend, but...it didn’t feel right. Like I was meant to be more than that, that I was more than that for him, but I thought I was just projecting.”

“When did you know you weren’t projecting, that he wanted you?”

Buck let his head fall back a bit and he shrugs, “I don’t know, I thought I had it figured out multiple times but was never sure. I...there was this time when he thought I liked Shannon, and he came to the bar and yelled at me, but he was jealous….and not of me taking Shannon...but Shannon taking me. He didn’t like me being far away for too long, so I thought then, but he just couldn’t cause he had Shannon and a kid on the way. Then maybe when Christopher was born, but he couldn't then either, cause Shannon had just died and there was a lot. I only knew for sure when he kissed me for the first time and Christopher’s first birthday and said I was Christopher’s dad.”

She nods and says, “Hmm...interesting.”

“What?” Eddie asks.

“I thought maybe your need to keep Buck so close was developed from the war.”

“It was.”

“No apparently, you had a need to do so before. You didn’t like him being far away from you before. Or with others, why?”

Eddie blinks thinking and maybe he’s always needed Buck close, been afraid Buck might find something better, leave him. He looks down and says, “I’ve never felt like the reason Buck stayed.”   
  


“What?” Buck says.

“I always had some excuse for him staying, like Shannon, or Christopher, I never accepted that he stayed for me and I wanted him to want me.”

“Do you still feel that way?”

“Sometimes.”

“It’s not true. I stayed for him, every time. Christopher and him, but I felt like Christopher was mine from the moment he was born cause Eddie was mine, so Christopher was mine too cause he was a part of Eddie. And then of course because he’s Eddie he produced the best kid to ever exist.”

She hums and says, “Do you realize that Eddie? That you are a part of your son, and that any love Buck has for him, is in turn directed towards you and vice versa. He loves both of you, and very much because the two of you are made up of the same things.”

“Christopher’s not like me though. He’s like Buck. He was born like Buck, it’s ridiculous. Not even Shannon, but Buck. He was the happiest kid ever if he cried I think it was for nothing but to get Buck to hold him again.”

“Do you think Christopher is more like you than Eddie or Shannon?” She asks Buck.

Buck shrugs and says, “I don’t know, I see all of us in him. He’s smarter than any of us, but Shannon was more book smart than me or Eddie, and Christopher’s great at school. He looks like both of them. He can be stubborn like Eddie sometimes, he’s strong and sometimes quiet, like Eddie, he listens more than he talks. I guess he’s better at taking things as they come and chugging along like me, and he laughs a lot and smiles more than any of us.”

“But you smile the most, so he gets it from you,” Eddie says.

“Do you think Christopher has a favorite, Eddie?”

“Yeah, I always have. Buck was always his favorite, the one he wanted to hold him and comfort him when he got hurt when he was little. He followed him everywhere, the only time I ever saw him get really upset when he was unable to. I was fine with it though, cause I understood it, I mean, Buck is a kid himself, he’s happy and go lucky and believes you can do anything. But now, I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I don’t know Christopher as well, I haven’t been around.”

“Buck? Do you think that’s accurate?”

“Christopher loves everyone.”

She nods and says, “Alright, I have another assignment for you. Buck you’re going back to work this week right?”

“Yeah,” Buck answers.

“Then it’s the perfect time, and you’ll need to do it anyways. You two are good at relying on each other and this week you obviously found that bond you had again. But there’s a level of dependence on both sides that seems a bit unhealthy. You two need to know that while you obviously love each other and being together makes things better, that being apart does not spell disaster for either of you. So for this week, I want you two to separate, no talking, no touching, you can live together, but separately, you go places apart, and I want Eddie to take over the main parenting role.”   
  


There’s a silence as they both process the words, and Eddie’s about to shout protest and make silly claims like that the therapist just wants to separate them cause she wants Buck away from him, cause she obviously thinks he has more problems, and favors Buck and thinks he’s right and wants him for herself, and no, she can’t have him, he’s his. But it’s Buck who gets to shouting first, and Eddie is silenced cause he’s never seen Buck so angry and with murder in his eyes or something since a pre-school teacher said Christopher was unable to play one of the sports with the other kids.

“No, no, we will not be doing that. We’ve done that, we’ve done that for the past five years, nothing good came of it. Us not talking and not being able to touch one another is something we have plenty of practice in, thank you very much,” Buck hisses.

“Yes, except you don’t have practice with it while knowing that it’s all okay, cause the other person is coming home, that they may not be right next to you, but they’re okay.”

Buck still glares at her and says, “I didn’t have him for five years, I finally have him back, and you’re telling me I need to give him up again as if I haven’t had to not talk to him and touch him enough for a lifetime.”

She sighs and says, “Yes, but now that you have him back, the two of you are terrified to let one another go again. It’s not healthy, you need him to let each other exist in the same area, but not as a single entity. Most couples can be apart, handle it, not worry, not get jealous, they have separate friends, jobs, and lives, but they still love one another and are happy. Plus Eddie is insecure about his parenting, and his relationship with Christopher. In those five years, he was gone, you and Christopher depended very much on only one another. Eddie was simply the memory you two loved and you protected for your son. Christopher needs to know that he can depend on Eddie too, and Eddie needs to now that Christopher does feel comfortable with depending on him.”

Buck crosses his arms he seems to have calmed down slightly, though his arm is still holding him close.

“Am I allowed to cook still cause if Eddie is allowed to feed any of us we might as well just open up a box of rat poison,” Buck says.

“Okay, that’s an over-exaggeration, but yeah if he doesn’t cook we’re all living on cereal, scrambled eggs, toast, and microwavable meals,” Eddie replies.

“You can do it, it’ll be fine, that’s still food I hear,” the therapist says sounding slightly amused.

“Is he allowed to phone a friend? Not me, but can our friends give us something, and then he gets to magically pull it out of the oven like he cooked it, or can he order take out perhaps?” Buck ask.

“Fine, but it sounds like he can at least handle breakfast and I’m assuming he can make a sandwich for lunch,” the woman says though she glances at Eddie like maybe she could be wrong about that.

Eddie nods and she says, “Alright, I’ll see you in a week, and we’ll see how it went.”

Buck’s shoulders drop now and he says, “Yeah…,” looking over at Eddie sadly, before standing up and pulling Eddie with him.

“No touching,” she shouts after them.

“Once we’re home doctor,” Buck shouts back with a slight grin, before pushing Eddie out in front of him with a hand against the small of his back

Buck’s hand is steady on his back the whole way out, and Eddie peers back at Buck and sees a familiar grin on his face and lightly scoffs, “Yeah okay, you said once we get home.”

“I meant it.”

“I think it’s gonna be a little after we get home.”

“What makes you say that?” Buck asks.

“I know that grin.”

This only makes Buck grin wider and he says, “True, but I meant it, once we get home it’s hands-off.”

“Then…,” he trails off as they get to the car and turns back to Buck and says, “Buck, come on we’re not teenagers, you’re almost thirty, and I am thirty.”

Buck presses Eddie against the side of the car and cups Eddie underneath the chin and kisses him hard and deep, “Are you saying you’re too old for car sex?”

“We both are I think,” Eddie chuckles softly hands gripping Buck’s hips.

“I think we’re plenty young, five years hasn’t aged you at all,” Buck says turning Eddie’s head, his lips moving over his jaw hungrily, before his lips were sucking small marks down Eddie’s neck.

Eddie moaned softly with his head tossed back and whispered, “Well we know you don’t age, as your age stays consistently between five and twenty-one.”

Buck chuckles and undoes a button of Eddie’s shirt and whispers, “So does that mean you’re not going to let me take care of you in the back seat?”

“I may be mature, but I’m not insane enough to say no,” Eddie says back, and feels Buck smile against his skin, and move him off the door so he can open it and immediately pushes him onto the back seat.

Eddie watches as Buck climbs into the car shutting the door behind him, sitting on his hips cause Buck is far too tall to layout like Eddie is, and Eddie can barely do that. But Buck seems to have this under control cause he’s immediately finding the mechanism to lay the seat back and is immediately turning Eddie vertically.

Eddie can’t help but laugh at Buck’s efficiency in all this and at hearing his laugh Buck says, “What?”

“You’re just very goal-oriented right now,” Eddie grins.

“Don’t see what’s so funny when my goal is giving you an orgasm,” Buck says cocking a brow.

“I didn’t say I had a problem with it.”   
  


Buck hums before his lips find Eddie’s mouth again, his tongue pushing into Eddie’s mouth slow and gentle, while Eddie’s hands go up underneath Buck’s shirt, feeling along the muscles in his back. His hands move down and squeeze Buck’s ass, and he takes pleasure in the moan Buck releases into his mouth.

“I love you,” Buck breathes against him, his lips brushing along Eddie’s jaw.

“I love you,” Eddie says back head craned back so Buck has clear access to his neck.

Buck’s lips trail down his skin from his jaw to his collarbone, where his fingers start blindly undoing his shirt buttons, revealing his chest.

Buck pulls his lips away to look down at Eddie and Eddie does feel a bit self-conscious in this position. With Buck on top of him, his chest scarred in various places, with either thick jagged white lines, smooth white sliced lines, or uneven puffy white chunky scars from burns.

Buck’s fingers move down his chest and trace over every scar, making all the air leave Eddie’s body as he does. And Eddie shuts his eyes cause he can’t look at Buck’s face as he examines the new uglinesses above him, that cover him and weigh heavy on his body. But soon fingers are replaced by lips that caress each scar, sucking gently on them, marking them with something new and beautiful.

“Do they hurt?” Buck asks, voice as quiet as his kisses are gentle.

“Not anymore,” he answers voice weak and lost.

And then Buck continues by kissing every scar, and every jutting bone, on his way down Eddie’s body, before undoing Eddie’s pants and pulling them quickly off his body, and when he does, Buck kissing every scar below, down his legs, spending a lot of time on one on his inner thigh making him keen and whine.

When Buck pulls his mouth away, he’s ready to cry cause of how gentle Buck has been with him, and then complain about Buck still being fully clothed, but before he can Buck is pulling his legs over his shoulders and pulling him close.

“Buck,” he whimpers when Buck first slips his tongue into him, and he does so again when Buck wraps his hand around his cock stroking him slow and gentle, using his precum to smooth the glide of his hand.

Buck licks him open slow and Eddie feels like he’s being broken apart and fixed at the same time. He watches Buck pull back to suck on his fingers before working them into him, gentle and easy, his fingers curling and bumping into his prostate, causing him to push against him, whining desperately and trembling.

“Buck please,” he whispers.

Buck pulls his fingers away and then pulls his clothes off and presses his body against Eddie’s grinding down against him.

“I love you, Edmundo,” Buck says against his lips, and Eddie’s ready to cum just at the way his given name rolls off Buck’s tongue.

“I love you too Evan,” he whispers back his hands moving along Buck’s waist, as Buck’s lips press against the side of his jaw.

Buck pulls his ass, flush against his hips, wetting his hand again with the stream of cum that’s leaking from Eddie’s cock, and stroking himself before pressing into him. And even as Buck thrusts into him, slow and steady, bumping against Eddie’s prostate, and pins Eddie’s arms back, his lips are kissing Eddie’s scars, soothing them and making them something Eddie associates not with pain, but at this moment Buck’s love for him, the most precious gift Eddie’s ever been given and can’t possibly think he deserves. No one can deserve what Buck gives to him to willingly and plenty of.

The sex isn’t fast or rough, and Eddie’s orgasm builds and builds, with each kiss, moan, and I love you Buck whispers to him. And if once Eddie didn’t feel alive, he does now, his heart beating out his chest, every nerve in his skin alive with pleasure and heat, and he’s coming all over his and Buck’s chest, gasping and clenching around him, without Buck touching his cock. And it’s not long before Buck’s letting go inside him, warm and filling and gasping his name.

Buck collapses against him, his forehead against his shoulder, his lips still moving against his skin.

Eddie moves Buck off him slowly, flipping so he can kiss Buck, slow and deep despite being out of breath.

Buck’s kisses are slow and tired, his fingers moving along his body with mindless exploration. And when Eddie pulls back to look down at Buck, his blue eyes are dazed, framed with dark lashes, heavy not with lust really, but just pure love, warm and enveloping. Blue eyes are characteristically known for being cold, but not Buck’s, they’re pure fire, warming Eddie from within, filtering no emotion, for they all swim in Buck’s eyes, wide and open for him to see.

He runs his fingers over Buck, stopping at a tattoo on his chest. He remembers the star-like tattoo on the right side, but there’s a new one he hasn’t seen on the left in cursive just under where Buck’s heart is in his chest.

Eddie runs his finger over the words, ‘mi una vez en la vida’.

Tears spring to Eddie’s eyes and Buck cups his cheek and sits up with Eddie facing him in his lap and he kisses Eddie’s face as some of the tears escape, before Eddie can bury his face in Buck’s neck, arms wrapped tightly around him.

Buck’s fingers move through his hair, and he feels Buck’s lips just underneath his ear as he whispers, “It’s true. You are. You changed everything for the better Edmundo.”

Eddie rubs his face into Buck’s shoulder and whispers his name softly, and then, “I...I don’t want to know what my life would be had I not met you or dared to speak to you that day.”

“Me neither. Thank you for being brave, you will never know how grateful I am for your bravery, Eddie. For being brave enough to come up to me, to ask me to stay, to trust me, to love me, to survive, to come back to me, and to stay with me,” Buck says kissing along Eddie’s cheek.

“I’ve always needed you, Buck, I had no other choice but to, it wasn’t brave any of it. It was necessary,” Eddie says pressing his cheek against Buck’s skin.

“It was brave Eddie. You’re the bravest and strongest man I know, and you gave us and raised a son who's brave and strong too.”

“He gets that from you.”

“I was a scared kid running from everything to nothing when you met me, it wasn’t brave. It was stupid and cowardly, cause I had no plan, had no aspiration. Maddie had just married a guy I didn’t like, our parents weren’t great, and I just wanted to go out and have fun in Mexico, doing God knows what. I wasn't brave. I learned bravery from you and for you, if you were brave enough to not have much but give me a place on your couch when you had a kid on the way, to love me despite what other people might think, trust me with your kid, to serve our country to take care of us, then I could be and had to be brave too, Eddie. I became brave because of you, Eddie,” Buck whispers stroking Eddie’s cheek wheen Eddie looks up at him.

Eddie gives a small smile and says, “I don’t know if I’m brave or strong enough to not talk to you, to touch not you, and let you be away from me like the doctor wants.”

“I don’t know if I am either,” Buck says pressing a kiss to his hair, “but we’ve survived worse, and longer. I still don’t believe it’s fair to ask of us, but the last thing she asked us to do helped, it made us feel better. So we can give this a try, and maybe it’ll help and make us feel better, but in the long run, rather than instant gratification.”

Eddie nods and kisses Buck gently and whispers, “Okay.”

“Okay.”

They get dressed and straighten out each other’s clothes and hair, laughing a bit as they do it, Buck having particular fun, moving Eddie’s hair back into place.

“Good?” Eddie asks when Buck finishes.

“Yeah, you look hot, as usual.”

“Mmm...too hot to keep your hands off of?”

“Yeah, but that’s always true. This will be a lot of practice in self-control, my great weakness.”

“Don’t I know it,” Eddie teases getting into the driver's seat, as Buck smacks him in the back of the head, “Hey you said it,” he complains after.

“Yeah, so it didn't need repeating or your commentary on it,” Buck says, and Eddie grins.

Buck holds his hand the entire drive and Eddie feels his own stomach tense and hears Buck let out a shaky breath when they pull up to their house.

Buck looks over at him and says, “Okay.”

“Yeah,” Eddie says.

“I love you,” Buck says.

“You make me feel like you’re saying last words to me in case we both die this week and they're our last words to each other,” Eddie says.

Buck’s eyes narrow at him and Eddie laughs softly and he sighs before looking at Buck gently and reaching out stroking his cheek and kissing him gently.

“I love you too,” Eddie whispers against Buck’s lips and nuzzling against Buck.

They pull away and nod at each other before getting out of the car and walking to the door, not touching and not speaking.


	16. You're Lost at Sea

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Literally the longest chapter ever, that is the reason for the long upload delay and was finished at 7am having not been in bed since 11am the previous day, and after an episode of 911 that had very little Buddie but I somehow made into a lot along with the rest of the fandom, subsequently breaking me, and sending me into a full spiral. Find more of me spiraling for your pleasure @diggorypuff on tumblr or on youtube where you can watch the longest Buddie video ever at: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oYcuh5p--Vk&t=22s

The last assignment came easy, it was something they wanted to do, but needed a push to do. A helping hand to say it was all going to be okay if they were open, vulnerable, and close again. But this, this takes more than just a helping hand.

It turns out that when Eddie’s been told he can’t touch Buck, he realizes just how many times a day he touches Buck just in passing. When Buck passes by him he has to stop himself from reaching out and stroking his fingers against his arm, or holding onto his waist when Buck tries to reach for a plate.

Buck explained to Christopher that the doctor wanted them to play the silent game with each other for the week, and follow the leader, so they’ll be following Eddie’s lead this week and all things should be deferred to him. It seems silly, but he also knows it’s a more eloquent than he might give credit for, Buck knows how to make it seem like a game for Christopher, rather than the idea that Christopher’s parents might be having problems, which Eddie refuses to accept that they are, cause they’re not. They’re not real problems, cause they could have them and they’d still be together. But he gets that they should fix them, cause in the long run, they’ll be happier if they do.

It’s a few hours in and Eddie already gets an awakening to how much Buck does, even now that he’s back, Buck is very much always on the move around the house. Making dinner, helping with homework, packing Christopher’s bag, and cleaning up.

Now Buck sits idly by and he looks bothered, and Eddie wonders if he’s doing it all wrong, but whenever he does catch Buck’s eyes in question if he’s doing so, Buck shakes his head and gives him a thumbs-up, and tells Christopher to help him a bit.

Eddie’s not going to risk burning something right off the bat, and Buck seems to have taken his role as the chef pretty seriously, cause there is no easy made food in sight, so Eddie decides to order a pizza.

Buck talks to Christopher and Eddie talks to Christopher, but they don't talk to each other, and Buck doesn’t give Christopher any directions or extra help, he leaves that to Eddie.

“Are you going back to work tomorrow, dad?” Christopher asks.

“Yeah, I am.”

“Will you be home for dinner?”

“Yeah the next two nights I will be, but Thursday night I have an overnight.”

“Oh,” Christopher says sounding sad, as much as Christopher who is always smiling can sound sad.

“But you and your dad can come and have dinner with us, I’ll have Bobby call when he thinks he’s serving dinner,” Buck says rubbing Christopher’s shoulder.

Christopher brightens up and says, “Okay.”

“Okay,” Buck repeats and smiles before taking another bite of his pizza.

The night is what is hard, Buck has forced him to the bedroom while Buck takes the couch. He gave Eddie the angry Buck eyes, and just kept gesturing towards the room. So Eddie takes the bed, and Buck takes that goddamn uncomfortable couch he slept on for over a year a long time ago.

Eddie feels sick all night, and he’s pretty sure he doesn’t sleep the entire night, and when the alarm goes off it’s both terrible cause he’s exhausted on no sleep, and a welcome call cause he finally gets to get up and out of his head.

He gets up and starts going through the routine, waking Christopher up, getting them both through the bathroom routine, getting dressed, ensuring Christopher is dressed, then breakfast which he goes for cereal, cause again he doesn’t want the first day to be screwed up.

Buck is up when he gets to the kitchen, watching the news, fully dressed and ready for the day. He’s dressed in his LAFD tee shirt and slacks, and yeah Eddie is fully taking notice of how great Buck looks in it.

They only have one car so he drives Christopher to school, and then drops Buck off at work, which is a quiet ride. Buck gets out of the car and Eddie is ready to slump but after getting out Buck smiles at him waves and blows him a kiss, and Eddie can’t help but feel warm from within and wave back at Buck before Buck goes inside.

That pretty much makes his day dull after that, with nothing more to do. He goes to the grocery store and picks up a frozen Stofer's lasagna, cause it’s not the most pathetic meal there is, after all, it takes like two hours to cook.

And Eddie really begins to think about what the hell he’s going to do. He can’t be a stay at home dad, he can’t do the army again, and he’s pretty sure if he went back to being a busboy or waiter he’d lose all dignity.

He never went to college, he’s not sure what he’s supposed to do. Idly his mind goes to Buck. Buck who found something, something he loves. Which brings him to the LAFD website and has him filling out the application, doubting himself, and he wishes he could talk to Buck, cause they should talk about this together, and Buck could help him or tell him it’s a bad idea.

Soon enough it’s time to pick Chris up from school and Eddie considers just exiting the page, but he decides to save the application instead before heading out.

He doesn’t have to pick Buck up, instead, Maddie picks up both him and Chimney and brings them home with her, which sort of sucks cause now they all have to eat his frozen lasagna, which he luckily put in the oven when he got home, so it’s ready when they get there.

Buck smiles encouragingly at him while shoveling down the lasagna and talking to Maddie and Chim about his first day back, though his eyes keep floating to Eddie, and he can tell that he’s also recounting it for his benefit though he obviously can’t respond. He asks questions to Chim which isn’t as satisfying but it’s something, and yeah they may be skirting around the rules a bit.

Buck asks Christopher about his day and he recounts much of what Eddie heard on the car ride but Eddie does notice that Buck asks more specific questions, uses the names of Christopher’s teachers, things that Eddie doesn’t know to ask. But as he watches Buck mid-yawn himself he sees the dark circle underneath Buck’s eyes and how tired he is.

So when the night comes again, he dreads it even as he tucks Christopher in, and he knows he’s in for another sleepless night.

He lays in bed for three hours and around midnight he gets up and walks to the kitchen and takes a glass of water. This allows him the chance to see Buck on the pull out bed of the couch, curled up and trembling.

And fuck the doctor's order he doesn’t give a damn, Buck has slept too many fucking nights of that couch because he didn’t take Buck to is bed sooner. And he certainly isn’t going to let Buck shake from nightmares that have been pushed away when he’s curled around Buck. They’ll keep up the no talking after this, and they’ll keep up the no touching except for bed, cause they can’t sleep, they can’t feel safe from their own minds at night without each other.

Eddie reaches for Buck touching his shoulder and he feels the warmth from within the second he touches him, his Buck. Buck stirs and blinks his eyes open at him and he sees Buck move away from his touch his eyes questioning him.

“Buck, get up you’re coming to be,” Eddie says.

Buck’s lips are tight and he’s acting like the doctor might pop out of the closet and hear them talking and punish them by adding an extra week of this. And he knows Buck’s parents were bad and that sort of punishment wouldn’t be out of the question.

“Buck, I can’t sleep without you and you’re having nightmares again. I need you to come to bed, we can do this thing, but not at night. It’s pointless anyways at night when I’m never spending another night's sleep without you.”

Buck still looks doubtful and Eddie strokes Buck’s wrist in his grip and whispers, “Buck, I let you sleep on this couch for far too long when you should have been in bed with me.”

Buck looks at him sadly and nods his head at Eddie and gets up and follows him to bed, still not speaking a word as he falls onto the bed and seems to relax a bit the second he does.

Eddie crawls in behind Buck and pulls him close to his chest and kisses his temple and hears Buck sigh and then grip his hand tightly.

He falls asleep easily after that, Buck safe in his arms.

When the alarm goes off he groans and pulls Buck tighter against his chest and feels Buck roll over and burrow into the crook of his neck.

He strokes Buck’s hair slowly before Buck pushes himself up slowly and looking into Eddie’s eyes and smiling before sighing heavily and getting up and strolling off to the bathroom.

He gets Christopher up and runs through the routine again, though this time he’s a bit more adventurous and makes scrambled eggs for breakfast. As he’s going through all of this, Buck seems a little lost as this is normally something he does.

Eddie finds himself like that during the day when he doesn’t have a job like Buck and just waits to get Christopher and Buck home. He thinks how doing both a job and this part of it on your own has to be exhausting though. He knows Buck’s job involves putting his body through the wringer. Then if the shift is right he picks Christopher up, but regardless he cooks dinner fresh and does the grocery shopping, and always comes home in a great mood despite being exhausted so he can shower affection on their son. And he appreciates Buck more in knowing that for five years he did this on his own while emotionally raw. And he thanks God yet again for sending Buck to him and Christopher.

The rest of the day goes smooth, and at night Buck is again curled up beside him, which makes everything a lot easier.

Thursday has Buck staying in bed while he and Christopher get up cause Buck has a late shift, and yet again he is reminded that before Buck probably would have done this. Sure they have Carla, the home health aide who since Eddie got back mostly just comes around to socialize with Buck, Christopher, and complement Eddie on his bone structure. But Eddie’s determined to get a job, so she’ll become necessary again eventually. But from what Eddie has found out, Buck despite the help was a very hands-on dad, even if that was a narrow window in which he was working with, but could make possible Buck did that himself.

So he drops Christopher off and maybe he’s really skirting the therapist's rules cause he climbs back into bed with Buck, spooning him from behind for a few hours before Buck has to get up and start getting dressed for work. He knows at some point tonight he’ll get a call from Chim telling him to come to the firehouse for dinner, cause Christopher has had Buck home every single night for the past two months and needs to be eased back in.

After that Eddie will have his first night without Buck giving him encouraging nods or listening to him talk to Christopher in a way that both gives Eddie more information to work with, as well as calms him from within. He thinks the best way to fall asleep with no nightmares might be laying on the couch, his head in Buck’s lap listening to Buck and Christopher talking about their days. It’s also the first night he’ll spend without Buck nearby in the house, at least till about three am when Buck gets home.

He drives Buck to work and watches Buck walk towards the firehouse and throw a smile back his way and pull out his phone, tapping on it gently as a reminder. Eddie nods to tell Buck he knows before going to pick Chris up.

He helps Christopher with his homework checking his phone for a notification that they’re ready for him and Christopher at the firehouse.

He and Christopher go to the yard and play, with Eddie setting Christopher on his shoulders and running around with him. He feels warm from the sound of his laughter, ringing above him.

“Dad?” Christopher asks once the two of them are laying on the grass after Eddie’s worn out a bit.

“Yeah, buddy?”

“Are you and dad having problems?”

“No, Christopher, of course not.”

“Danny said his parents didn’t talk a lot or touch right before they got divorced,” Christopher says sadly rubbing a dandelion in between his fingers.

“That’s not what’s going on Christopher. Your dad and I are fine, more than fine. Our doctor just thinks we should try this. Like you know how they say not to eat too much of your favorite candy?”

“Yeah.”

“Well you love it right, but sometimes if you eat too much of it, you can get sick, or it’s hard to stop eating it, and you don’t want to eat anything else.”

“So being around dad too much makes you sick?” Chris asks wrinkling his nose.

“No, no,” Eddie says quickly, “it’s more like being around dad so much makes it so that we don’t really want to do anything else but be around each other. And that’s not good cause we all have other things we need to be doing.”

“Oh,” Christopher says and nods before saying, “Dad?”

“Hmm…”

“Why aren’t you and dad married?”

Eddie blinks and says, “Uh...back when we lived in Texas, I wasn’t allowed to marry him.”

“Why not?”

“Cause some people, don’t believe that your dad and I love each other the same as your friend's mom and dad love each other or even more than them, so they didn’t think it should be allowed, but now fewer people think that way, so now I could.”

“Do you want to marry him?” Christopher asks.

Eddie smiles and ruffles his son's hair and says, “Depends, do you think I’m good enough for him to marry? He’s your dad so I think I have to ask your permission kid.”

Christopher looks at him in appraisal and Eddie can’t help but grin before Christopher says, “Depends, will you cuddle him a lot? He really likes cuddling.”

Eddie laughs and says, “Yeah, I’ll cuddle him tons, he gives the best cuddles.”

Christopher nods in agreement and says, “And laugh at his jokes? He gets upset when people don’t laugh.”

“Of course, I always laugh, he gets too grumpy when you don’t and we can’t have that, he has too pretty of a smile to do anything to take it away, just like you kid.”

Christopher smiles and says, “Yeah, you can marry him.”

“And he has your permission to marry me does he?”

“Yeah, he’ll laugh at your jokes and cuddle you too.”

Eddie sighs and says, “Then yeah, I’d marry him in a second. If he marched over here right now, I’d marry him right away. But I think I should probably ask him, I mean he already does so much doesn’t he?”

Christopher nods and Eddie leans over and kisses his forehead and says, “He did a really good job raising you, you know that?”

Christopher nods again and says, “He’s a good dad.”

“And you’re a good kid.”

Christopher cuddles closer to him and says, “We missed you lots.”

“I missed you both too. And I’m never leaving either of you again, they’d have to drag me away kicking and screaming, and I know you and your dad would beat anyone up who tried,” Eddie says running his fingers through Chris’s hair.

Chris nods against his chest, his arms wrapped around him and says, “We were sad.”

“I was too, you were so little and I worried you might not even remember me, and your dad is perfect, I was sure someone might have swooped in and married him before I could get back to you two.”

“We always remembered you,” Christopher sniffles and Eddie kisses his cheek and says, “I know and you know I thought of both of you every day right?”

Christopher looks up at him and says, “Yeah.”

Eddie strokes his son's cheek and looks into his blue eyes, that he knows he gets from Shannon, but the expression in them is all Buck, full with bright wonderment. 

His phone rings around six and he and Chris head to the fire station, and Chris is practically squirming to get inside, so he carries him in and sees Buck immediately coming towards them. If Eddie had to describe it, he’d say it was almost a skip as he comes and reaches for Christopher who at the same time reaches for him.

“Hey Eddie,” Hen calls from the balcony.

“Hey Hen,” Eddie smiles up at her and follows Buck up for dinner, sitting down with Christopher between them.

“So, hows the doctor assignment going you two?” Hen asks as she takes some salad.

“Terrible, it’s like a crappy game of telephone, where they either communicate by saying information to other people, through other people, or their creepy eye communication. I tried to get Maddie to do it with me, but I got nothing from it, but they seem to have full conversations,” Chim answers for them.

“Did Hen ask for your summary Chim?” Buck asks sounding a bit annoyed.

“Well, I for one can’t wait for it to be over. Since Buck can’t talk to Eddie he talks all day non-stop, and he’s cranky,” Hen laughs.

“They already broke down on the not sleeping together bit according to Maddie,” Chim says.

“Like…” Hen begins eyes darting to Christopher shortly.

“No,” Eddie says, “not that.”

“Wouldn’t put it past you two. I mean a therapist asking a couple to not touch after five years apart, is rough,” Hen hums.

“Alright, leave them alone, guys, they’re trying, that’s good, and they’re being good sports,” Bobby says and nods at Eddie and Buck.

“There’s still four more days left, so I wouldn’t be getting too heavy with the praise just yet. I may be committing a spontaneous act of arson, just so Buck might be forced to talk to me via reprimanding me or bailing me out of jail.”

Buck laughs and grins taking a bite of his food before pointing towards Eddie and looking to the rest of his crew, “You all wish your wives and girlfriends would commit a crime just to get you to talk to them. But you all can’t have him, he’s mine,” Buck says far too proud.

“We’ve all been pleasantly surprised Buck that there indeed is a man who loves you enough to think you’re funny, and is willing to go to insane means just like you for your attention,” Chim sighs.

“Hey Chim, how about you try and explain to Eddie how you won the calendar over me,” Buck suggests.

“I’m better looking obviously,” Chim shrugs.

“He used a kid didn’t he,” Eddie says before taking another bite of his food.

They’re quiet for a while and Eddie nods, “Yeah, makes sense,” while Buck grins down the table.

The siren goes off then and Eddie jumps a bit at the sound, his hand shooting out across Christopher and gripping Buck’s wrist to guard them.

Buck looks over at him wide-eyed for a moment and then towards Chim who has gotten up ready to go but then looks back at them and says, “You good Eddie?” Acting as Buck’s voice at the moment.

He releases Buck’s wrist and strokes Christopher’s hair back to relax himself and nods, “Yeah, I’m good, you guys go. Save lives.”

Chim nods and Buck gets up slowly and looks back at him pausing for a moment, but Eddie makes eye contact with him and nods assuring him he is fine.

Bucks nods back before hurrying towards the trucks, and Eddie decides to do the dishes for them while they’re gone before taking Christopher home.

He tucks Christopher into despite wanting to take him back to his and Buck’s room and cuddle next to him since Buck isn’t around.

He spends the next couple of hours staring up at the ceiling, trying to ignore the tightness in his chest. When he hears the door open at three, he tenses before relaxing with the fact that it just means Buck is home.

He doesn’t want to worry Buck so he rolls on his side, pressing his cheek into the pillow and pretends to be asleep. He hears Buck walk into the room and he feels Buck linger over him before he leans down and presses a kiss to his temple and runs his hand over his hair.

He listens as he hears the shower start and it’s about twenty minutes later when he feels the bed dip and Buck slide in behind him and pulls him close to his chest around the waist. Eddie turns in his arms and buries his face into Buck’s chest breathing him in, and feels Buck’s hand come up to cradle his head close, his fingers beginning to move through Eddie’s hair.

Eddie holds onto Buck tightly, his arms clinging to his waist and letting the sound of Buck’s heart fill his ears, and bring him down. He still feels Buck’s fingers moving through his hair when he finally falls asleep.

When the alarm rings in the morning it takes him longer than usual to pull himself from Buck and get Christopher up, and to school, he barely makes it on time, and probably only cause Eddie went back to cereal for breakfast.

He practically races back to bed, cause Buck is still there for four more hours before heading back to work. Buck peeks an eye open at him and immediately pulls him in, his fingers stroking Eddie’s hip. That’s always been Buck’s secret weapon, for anything, whether it be to get Eddie to relax or give him whatever he wants.

And it works as usual and Eddie’s asleep again before he knows it, waking up when Buck does, to go to work.

Tonight Buck will also be gone late, but only till eleven, which is better, and Eddie will get a decent night's sleep that isn’t just a stuttered four and then two hours after he drops Christopher off.

He feels more comfortable taking care of Christopher though, and his son seems more comfortable with him as well, and that night they play wrestle on the couch while watching a movie, after finishing up Christopher’s homework and Eddie’s ordered them Chinese. Which admittedly isn’t great but Eddie hasn’t made anything inedible or embarrassing yet for a reason.

Christopher falls asleep on his shoulder at some point during the movie and carries him to bed, tucking him in and kissing his forehead. He watches him for a few minutes, just to know he’s safe. That one of his boys is safe and sound and home. He forces himself not to turn on the news, just to see what Buck might be doing. It’s better that way he thinks, and other times he doesn’t, cause maybe nothing is going on, and that’s better than what’s going through his head.

Buck comes home on time and this time slides right into bed, he smells like soap, not the special kind that’s Buck, but the kind that tells him Buck showered before coming home. His arm slips around his waist and his lips press against the back of his skull, and Eddie holds tightly to him. Tomorrow is Saturday and Buck has an eighteen-hour shift from seven to one which means Buck will be out of his sight the entire day. But he’ll be home all day Sunday and Monday, and on Monday this whole assignment will be done. He tries to focus on that.

He feels Buck slide out of bed in the morning with a short kiss to his forehead. Eddie sits up in bed a bit pushing his hair back and watching Buck move around the room and get ready.

Buck turns back to look at him and pauses and Eddie watches Buck look him over and then bite his lip and then quickly look away nearly tripping out of the room carrying his keys and twirling them.

Eddie frowned, he knew a whole scope of Buck’s facial expressions and behaviors. This one was one that he hadn’t seen in a long time. Not since he got back and even before that it had been one he hadn’t seen since before they were together and only for a short time after. 

Eddie had never been able to decipher that look, he didn’t feel like he could ask what it meant when they weren’t together, and after they had begun dating it had disappeared not long after. Now he was thinking about it again.

He had Christopher the entire day today since he didn’t go to school and it wasn’t long before Christopher had made his way to his and Buck’s room and crawled into bed with Eddie. He was always an early riser, but typically he didn’t come in and force them up, but just snuggled his way in between them. 

Today he did much the same, wiggling his way underneath Eddie’s arm and into his side. It was a welcome comfort, and Eddie was quick to wrap Christopher up in his arms, pressing a kiss to his forehead.

“We’ve got the whole day together little man, what do you feel like doing?”

Christopher shrugged his little shoulders and Eddie smiled a bit smoothing out the boy's wavy hair. Luckily he’d been planning ahead of time, so he got himself and Christopher dressed before taking him out for pancakes, watching with a grin as his son drowned the fluffy things in syrup.

“You seem to have a bit of pancake in your syrup there Christopher,” Eddie joked earning a laugh from Christopher.

Eddie had spent some of his free time over the week looking for things that they could do around here. He wasn’t too familiar with the area or what Christopher might like, so he had several options ready for him.

They finally decided to go to the pier that was fit with carnival rides, games, and food, right up against the water. Plenty for them to do and have fun with, and distract them from Buck being gone for so long in a way that they’d be too tired by the time they were done to think too hard about him not being there for dinner or bedtime.

Christopher was overjoyed riding all the rides, but even more so when together he and Eddie won a teddy bear that was about half of Christopher’s size, that afterward Eddie had to carry around.

They went to the structure overlooking the water, with Eddie standing Christopher on the bench and holding the back of his shirt while the little boy threw pieces of food down to the fishes below, giggling as the fish came up to lip at it.

Down the pier, a fire station different from the one Buck was at responded to a mascot who got overheated, and Eddie watched as they worked on him and sighed and peered up towards Christopher who was still enthralled by the fish.

“Christopher, you ever think about what you wanna do when you grow up?”

Christopher seemed to think about it and said, “An astronaut or a pirate.”

Eddie smiles when he thinks of it and silently wonders whether those were some of the things Christopher dressed up as for Halloween over the years.

“Those are some good choices,” Eddie nods a bit, “cool costumes too.”

“Wait,” Christopher says seeming to come to another conclusion, “A firefighter.”

Eddie smiles with pride cause he knows how much Christopher admires Buck and wants to be like him, and Eddie gets it, cause he thinks he might be the same.

“Yeah, me too I think.”

He sighs though, thinking how all these things Christopher wants to do he might not be able to. People will tell him no because of his condition, his physical limitations, and it’s sad to him.

“Uh...Christopher if none of those careers work out, I...I hope you do find something you love. Something that makes you feel like you matter, and like you could do it forever. I hope you find that.”

Christopher looks down at him and smiles lightly and pats Eddie’s cheek seeming to read Eddie like a book. Knowing that he’s talking about himself too and his lack of a true path.

“We’ll be okay, kid,” Christopher says making Eddie smile up at him and laugh for a moment before noticing something odd over his shoulder.

He pauses and stands slowly looking over the bend, the tide seems to have receded, it’s pulled back from the shoreline, the ocean floor visible close to the pier. And as he looks up he can see why, he can see the big wave forming on the horizon.

His heart drops further than his stomach, and the biggest chill runs up his spine, and he feels sick, his heart pounding, the blood pumping through his veins, and before he can even think, just as the siren on the pier begins to ring out, he snatches up Christopher without a second thought and begins sprinting, shouting at everyone.

“Get off the pier, get off the pier now!”

He knows its little use, they’ve had too little warning, and there’s no running from this wave. It’s going to sweep them off their feet, he can already hear it crashing over the pier behind him, no doubt having already taken away the teddy bear they won and Christopher’s crutches.

He knows they have to get some cover, not be standing, but rather let the wave crash over them, rather than force them off their feet. His mind is racing as he carries Christopher over to a carnival booth ducking them inside.

He allows himself a glance backward and sees the wave rushing towards him just in time to throw himself over the booth and Christopher’s body as the water slams over them.

It’s almost familiar but at the same time it’s not, the force is like nothing he’s experienced. He’s experienced drowning, it’s a torture technique that he’s all too familiar with, and he’s taken right back there as the water throws him around and drowns him.

He fights against the pull and the overwhelming push as the wave shoves him under and away from his original place.

Christopher, Christopher, Christopher is a whisper repeating over and over in the back of his head.

But a much louder primal instinct has taken over that simply screams for air and fights to get above the water to no avail.

‘You’re drowning, you’re drowning’ is all that seems to make itself into his present thoughts as his limbs struggle against the force of the water. No air, nothing just cold water that overwhelms him and he can already feel the pain in his muscles from both the impact and the struggle against the water.

His eyes see nothing but shadows and blue and he’s sure he’s going to die, he’s almost certain of it, just before something seems to give, his fingers latch around something and his face rises above the water.

It takes only two gasping breaths before his brain gains just enough oxygen to remove itself simply from survival mode to his most pressing goal.

“Christopher, Christopher, Christopher,” he screams as he raises himself above the water that still pushes him forward, as his head jerks back and forth, eyes not focusing on anything for too long as he searches for Christopher.

Just then his voice fills his ears over the loud water.

“Dad! Dad!”

He sees him, arms clutching for dear life around a pole and his heart drops but also rises with both fear and relief at the same time.

“Stay there Christopher, stay there, I’m coming for you, I’m coming for you,” he says as he lets go of the wire holding him in place, letting the water instead propel him forward towards Christopher.

Eddie swims against the current, despite its continued attempts to drown him and once he’s gotten closer to Christopher he calls out, “Christopher reach out, grab my hand.”

Christopher extends one arm for him and Eddie feels his fingers brush just missing him, the water pushing him past Christopher and further down. All the air seems to leave his body then, his stomach falls, as he physically feels Christopher slip through his fingers.

His mind becomes noise at that moment and it takes all his willpower for him to regain control, to not freeze in fear. He’s not healthy, he knows that he knows it from the nightmares, from the little everyday terrors he experiences that shouldn’t frighten him but do. But this is a real terror, one he should be terrified of, but he can’t because Christopher, he has to save Christopher, anything he might feel doesn’t matter. 

‘Breathe! Breathe!’ His brain screams at him. ‘You stop breathing, you stop thinking clearly.’

So he breathes and then shouts, “Just hold on Christopher!”

“I can’t hold on,” Christopher shouts back and Eddie can hear the panic so clear in his voice.

“Just hold on Christopher,” he pleads, not so much to Christopher as he does the universe, begging them to let Christopher hold on.

“Dad!” Christopher shouts, again and again, the fear becoming more present in his son's voice, and with it, his voice gets higher and rawer, and it digs deeper into Eddie.

He manages to grab ahold of a truck just as Christopher is swept under by the current, and he feels like he’s drowning with his head above water and without a second though his body lunges into the water and beneath the surface, his arms reaching out and grabbing ahold of Christopher and raising him above the water.

He feels his son's arms wrap tightly around his neck and his legs around his waist, clinging to him, as his own hands come up to cradle his head, to ensure his safety. He’s in his arms, and with it, a part of his heart is in his own hands now, cause Christopher is in them.

“Thank god,” he breaths out his heart still racing, his breath still coming out in pants, as he repeats again, to both Christopher and himself, “I’ve got you, I’ve got you.”

He swims with Christopher in his arms till he can grab ahold of a firetruck, pushing himself underneath the water, while Christopher’s head stays above.

It’s then that he sees a heavy pile of debris heading towards them and he shoves Christopher on top of the ladder truck and out the way before ducking his head underwater to avoid it.

It clips against the side of the truck shattering the mirror and scrapping against it like the titanic against the iceberg.

He raises his head above the water again gasping looking around for more danger before pulling himself with all his remaining strength on top of the truck.

He collapses next to Christopher, his legs still hanging from the side, and body pressed against the metal of the truck. He keeps a protective arm over Christopher as they both gasp for breath, their bodies exhausted against the truck.

His thoughts are incoherent and racing, and he can’t move, he can’t lift himself up, and Christopher too remains still underneath his arm, except for the rapid rise and fall of his chest.

He’s unsure if he’s paralyzed from fear or just physically exhausted, or perhaps both.

After five minutes he starts to be able to rock his body, squirming against the fire truck trying to get himself entirely on top of it, to move himself and Christopher to the bed of the truck.

It’s a slow process of simply pulling his body up, and an even longer one of pulling Christopher into the safety of his arms and down to the bed of the truck. Once there his head rests against the back, and his eyes peer straight up at the sky, seeing nothing but blue and feeling nothing but the weight of Christopher underneath his arm and against his chest.

The air starts to come back to his lungs and with it, he’s able to think, he’s able to tell right away somewhere in the mad dash and swim he’s lost his phone, and with it they’re stuck, there’s no calling for 911 or the instant help that would come if he dialed Buck’s number.

His mind races to Buck, he’s got Christopher, safe against his side, but Buck, this disaster has happened and he doesn’t know where Buck is, if he’s safe, and he knows even if Buck is safe, he might not be eventually cause it’s his job to save people from things like this, he’s going to be putting himself in danger the entire day because of this, and Eddie’s heart starts racing again.

And his brain starts pointing out that this was his first full day with Christopher and that while he may not have ruined it with his cooking, a tsunami literally rising from the ocean to smack Eddie down is not exactly a day that will be anything but badly remembered. And as he stares up at the sky Eddie starts to wonder if perhaps an asteroid or lightning bolt might descend from the sky to finally strike him down having failed every other way.

He looks down at Christopher whose cheek is pressed against his shoulder, his breath has steadied, and Eddie places his hand protectively over his head, which is cradled against his chin.

He’s safe. Christopher’s safe.

It’s what he tries to remind himself as the breaths still come out quick and thin from his lungs.

His other arm is wrapped around his son's waist, and his lips press to his forehead before he speaks, “You good Chris?”

Christopher rests against him and gives simple, “Yep” and it’s in a good-humored tone rather than the dreadful high pitched tone of fear he’d previously heard in his voice, which may be the worst sound he’s ever heard. Just think of it makes his stomach twist, and it reminds him of the fear and hopelessness he heard in Buck’s voice during the weeks before he left for Afghanistan. Or when he would talk on the phone to Maddie back when she was still with Doug. 

They’re tones of voice he never wants to hear again.

Christopher retains his good humor by adding, “I took surfing lessons,” to which Eddie can’t help but laugh softly at because not only is his tone happy, but that constant smile returns.

Eddie sighs and smiles down at Christopher kissing his forehead, “Ah well maybe you can teach me.”

He rests his head back again continuing to clutch Christopher close.

“It’s all gonna be okay,” he says though this time he’s not sure if it’s to Christopher or himself, “Daddy, Chim, Hen, Bobby or one of his other buddies will come to get us.”

“Yeah,” Christopher says, “and we’ve already got a firetruck,” smiling again.

Eddie sighs happily and says, “Yeah, yeah we do,” taking a look around to see if there’s any way for them to get to dry or somewhat dry land from here, but it’s flooded and the water is still rushing.

“Good thing too, cause it looks like we might have to stay here for a while,” he sighs.

It’s then that he hears a woman shout, “Help,” and his and Christopher’s heads both lookup. His blood runs cold, as he stands up to see where the voice is coming from, only to spot her clutching to the gutter of a building.

He’s got to save her, he can, but fear paralyzes him for a brief moment and as he looks down towards Christopher he is his number one priority, he has to keep him safe. But he was once a soldier and he wants to be a firefighter, it’s in his blood to fight to help people, and he knows Buck would jump into action, and he’s always wanted to be good like Buck.

“Okay,” he shouts out to the woman, “I’m going to come for you,” he tells her.

He starts to look around before leaning down to Christopher and saying, “Chris, I need you to stay right here. Can you do that? Promise me?”

“Yeah,” Christopher nods with a smile.

“Okay, okay,” Eddie says his fingers slowly pulling away from Christopher’s chest in a slow reluctance, “Right here. I’ll be right back.”

He starts to assess the situation and picks up the ladder from the truck and extends it to a nearby car before grabbing a hold of the firehose. He carries it with him as he climbs across the ladder to the car, and then to another car, holding onto a nearby tree. One of the cars he climbs onto has someone still inside begging for help.

“Okay, I’m going to come back to you, okay? I promise,” he says before diving into the water.

It’s cold and still rushing and he can’t believe for a moment that he’s doing this, jumping in again. He swims to a tree across from the firetruck and ties the hose there creating a barrier so she won’t be swept away.

“Hey, you can let go,” he shouts to the woman.

She seems doubtful and scared, which Eddie gets cause he is too, he’s terrified.

“It’s okay, you can do it,” he says encouragingly and she lets go of the building and starts swimming towards him as he makes his way down the line of the hose to catch her. She barely keeps her head above the water before making it to him, and while she could catch the hose, he catches her and carries her down the line to the firetruck. He helps her onto it before swimming to the side to check on Christopher.

It’s then that Christopher raises his head and says, “Dad look,” pointing behind him, and there is a whole cluster of people being swept in by the current coming towards them.

Eddie’s eyes widen and he sighs and looks at the woman he’s just saved and says, “Can you watch him?” He asks pointing to Christopher.

She nods her head tiredly, coming to curl up next to Christopher, her head pressed up against the truck as Eddie begins to swim out again. The people swim towards him and Eddie holds the hose steady for them to grab it, which they do, starting to work their way down and onto the truck with his help.

He manages to get them all on, and he’s exhausted by the end crawling his way back up to Christopher and pulling him close again, gaining relief when he does.

After sitting there for a while and thinking about what Buck might do in this situation he concludes that Buck would try to make things lighthearted. He’d make a game out of it of course. Just like he did them not talking.

So he starts to play a game of I-Spy with Christopher watching all the different things that float by them in the water.

“I spy with my little eye, something that moves people around,” Eddie says.

Christopher looks around before saying, “Oh, a scooter.”

“Good job,” Eddie smiles and looks down at Christopher, “okay genius, your turn.”

Chris looks again and grins before saying, “I spy a shopping cart.”

Eddie bursts out laughing cause Christopher never seems to let him forget who he was raised by. Buck who skirts the rules and makes things up as he goes.

“What?” Eddie laughs. “No come on, that’s not how the game works. You can’t just yell stuff out?”

Christopher smiles wide and shouts, “But yelling stuff out is the fun part!”

Eddie laughs and smiles down at his son who continues to radiate like a ball of sunlight, the smile has not left his face since they got on the firetruck.

“You amaze me, buddy,” Eddie sighs looking at him.

“Why?” Christopher asks.

“Every little bad thing that happens seems to knock me down and make me not want to get up. But your dad, and you especially, no matter what kind of day you’ve had, you guys just...keep on going. I mean look at you, you’re sitting here with a big smile, busting a gut. You never gave up. Even when that water was rushing over you back there. You just kept on swimming.”

“Like Dory,” Chris says.

“Yeah, like Dory,” he says thinking about the first movie they all watched together after he came home, “and not just today. But every day. You never say no, you never complain. How do you do it?”

“Well I complained once but it didn’t work,” Christopher says.

“So what did you do?”

“Just kept on swimming.”

“Like Dory.”

“Yeah.”

He strokes Christopher’s hair back and hears some of the people on the truck gasp, and when he looks up he sees several dead bodies floating towards him.

He goes still for a moment before lifting Christopher and turning him away from the scene, and Christopher just laughs.

“Hey, come here. I spy with my little eye, something that is high,” he says pointing up.

“A street sign?” Christopher asks.

“No, even higher,” Eddie says his hands cupping Christopher’s face to further guard him.

The bodies float on by and Eddie keeps Christopher distracted till they pass before sitting back down and wrapping his arm around Christopher.

“I don’t know what I’m going to tell your dad,” Eddie sighs, “you know I take you out one time, and look what happens.”

He knows Buck won’t be mad at him, he knows that, but...he can’t help but feel like the black cat that strolls through.

But Christopher has a different take on it.

“You saved me. And you saved them,” Christopher points out.

Eddie looks to the others on the firetruck and then looks back at Christopher and smiles a bit and pulls him closer, “No, we did that together, me and you make a great team,” he says pointing to Christopher and then himself. “Give me a high five, I’m proud of you,” Eddie says, and Christopher does before the two of them hug one another tightly.

“Thank you,” Christopher whispers, “thank you, dad.”

“Thank you,” Eddie whispers back.

Suddenly the current starts to rush back, the water pulling back and receding. It rocks the firetruck and Eddie grabs Christopher guarding him and shouts, “Hang on, hang on.”   
  


But then hears someone fall off and two more people pushed in by the water shouting for help and jumps up leaning over the side to pull them in.

As he does the truck rocks again, but this time something seems to punch him in the gut instantly with a bad feeling, and he looks back and Christopher’s gone.

His heart plummets and he scrambles over to the other side of the truck, “Christopher, Christopher!” He shouts before diving into the still moving waters, he dives down and searches the water, but he’s nowhere. He’s gone.

Eddie swims, and swims and swims looking for him his whole world narrowed as he screams out his name, till his voice is hoarse and high pitched.

He swims till the water goes shallow enough that he’s walking in it. He starts to shout out to other people asking if they’ve seen him, describing him to them.

But when he looks into the water he spots something and his whole world threatens to collapse. It’s Christopher’s glasses, caught on some debris in the water.

He picks them up and looks down at them, and his knees threaten to crumble but he has to find him. He can’t be gone, he can’t be. That little boy who Buck placed in his arms eight years ago, who smiles brighter than the sun, who he listened Buck sing and talk to sleep every night, and who he’d give anything for. He can’t be gone.

He stumbles through the water till he hears someone shout out, “Hey! There’s a kid under here.”

He’s instantly rushing over to where a big sign is on top of someone, with people trying to lift it.

Hope rises is him when he sees the converses and a glint of yellow like Christopher’s shirt and he says, “I’ve got you,” and then points to another guy, “you and me, come on,” he counts down and they lift it.

But Christopher’s not underneath it, instead, it’s a young girl, who a couple of the people immediately embrace.

He shakily calls out to them, “Hey, hey, I’m, I’m looking for my son, he’s eight. His name's Christopher, he’s got CP, cerebral palsy, brown hair, bright blue eyes, yellow shirt.”

One of the guys says, “Yeah, I think I saw him.”

Again hope brews inside him as he says, “Where?”

“He was headed with a group to that cupcakery place, I hear they’re handing out water.”

“Cupcakery, where is that?”

“You know, cupcake bakery, it’s about six or seven blocks south of here on Strand.”

Eddie nods and says, “Thank, thank you.”

He practically sprints through the water to the location, and it’s getting dark by the time he gets there. People mill around and he feels like everything is spinning, and there’s a little boy who looks like Christopher that he all but pounces on before realizing it’s not him.

He feels sick and someone seems to notice as they come up to him only to say, “Hey, man are you okay? You’re bleeding pretty bad.”

When he looks down he sees a large cut on his arm, or what he supposes is a large cut, it’s somewhat obscured by the blood and he can’t tell before he falls down.

He nearly passes out but, not quite, everything just blurs until someone gives him some water. He drinks it and his brain comes to a bit more, enough for him to take someone's shirt and tie it around his arm to stop the bleeding. He doesn’t care, he needs to find Christopher. That’s all that matters.

He checks several other places before its really dark and he’s at the VA, where they’ve set up a field hospital.

He spots a nurse and rushes to her and says, “I’m, I’m looking for a kid, he’s got brown hair, he’s eight, his name is Christopher Diaz.”

She checks her list before saying, “No, not here. You may want to check over there at the black tent.”

And then he’s certain he’s going to be sick, as he says, “Isn’t that...isn’t that the morgue?”

“Yes,” she says before leaving.

Once she does he bends over, he thinks he’ll vomit but nothing gives he just gasps and heaves, before limping towards the tent.

He feels sick as he checks, hoping for the first time today not to find Christopher. He doesn’t want to find him here. He can’t find him here.

He doesn’t but he’s shaking and doesn’t know what to do, and he’s so ready to fall apart, so ready to die right there cause hope is dwindling but he can’t give up, not till Christopher’s found. And when he finds him and if he’s not okay, he can die then, but not before. And if the universes price for Christopher is his life, to finally let it take him down like it seems so keen on doing then so be it. It’s worth it.

But he doesn’t know the city, he doesn’t know anything, he’s not good for this. He shakily borrows someone's phone. He can’t call Buck, he can’t. Not when he doesn’t have Christopher. He’s ruined Buck before when he was lost, he can’t do it again because he lost their son, the boy they both love so much. But for Buck, Christopher is the person he has poured his entire heart and soul into loving from the very moment he was born, who he’s been with every single day of the little boy's life. And he knows that neither of them can come back from that loss.

So he dials Maddie’s number, she’s a 911 operator, she’ll know where the places to check are.

“Hello?” She answers.

“Maddie,” he whispers his voice shaking.

“Eddie?” He hears her ask on the other end, “Where are you I don’t know this number?”

“I borrowed someone else's phone. Maddie, I need your help.”

“Okay, tell me what’s wrong, are you hurt?”

“Buck...Buck is working today, so I had Christopher. So I took him out to do some activities, and Maddie, I brought him to the pier.”

“Oh my God, you were there?”

“And I had him, Maddie, I had him. I kept him safe. We were, we were on top of a ladder truck, then the water receded…” Eddie whimpers.

“Eddie, you’re not answering me. Are you injured, bleeding?”

“No, it doesn’t matter,” Eddie says angrily, “Don’t you hear what I am saying? Christopher is gone,” he sobs.

Silence.

“Maddie, I checked the emergency refuge camps at the promenade and then the high school…”

“Did you check the VA Hospital, the command center on Sontell?” 

“I’m here now,” Eddie says before turning and going stone cold as he sees Buck walking out of the VA hospital, a smile on his face as he waves back at one of the patients.

“Oh my God,” Eddie says rushing to hide.

“What is it?” Maddie asks.

“Buck...is here,” Eddie whispers.

“Does Evan know what happened?” Maddie asks her voice sounding more worried.

Eddie goes silent and whispers, “Maddie.”

“Eddie, you have to tell him!”

“How? How do I tell Buck that I lost our son? I...I can’t Maddie, I can’t break him again.”

“Eddie, he’s his father too, you have to tell him that Christopher’s missing.”

“No Maddie,” Eddie says, “I need to keep on looking for him, I need to find him.”

“Eddie! You are in no condition to go looking for Christopher by yourself...I’m coming down there now,” Maddie says before hanging up.

“No, Maddie, no,” he says over the dead line dropping the phone to his side and going still.

It’s then that Buck strolls by before coming to a stop and spotting him. His blue eyes lock on him in an instant, in that way that always used to fill Eddie up with joy and relief. Relief that Buck always saw him first, spotted him in a crowded room. But now it’s just dread.

He’s taken by surprise, and then there’s also the fact that Eddie looks a thousand times worse than he did coming back from war. He’s covered in blood, dirt, soaking wet, and exhaustion wears on his face. And the no talking clause is moot at the one time he kind of wish it wasn’t, cause he can’t, he can’t find the words. He can’t tell Buck this. He can tell Buck anything, anything but this.

“Eddie,” Buck says coming towards him, “Oh my God, what are you doing here? Are you okay?” He asks his hand touching Eddie’s arm that’s still bleeding, before his eyes go downward and realization floats to his eyes, “Wait, where’s Christopher?”

“Buck,” he croaks out his eyes going to Buck’s, and those blue eyes somehow so much like Christopher’s stare back at him, not yet filled with the loss Eddie feels.

But then Buck’s eyes go to the glasses around his neck and the world, that’s so loud, competing for their attention while swirling around them, seems to go silent as everything crystalizes for both of them. Buck’s eyes travel up from the glasses to his face multiple times before saying, “Wh...why do you have his glasses?”

Eddie looks down at them and holds them delicately between his fingers, his body seeming to shake as he pulls them off.

“We uh...me and Christopher, we were…at the beach…,” he says and the world becomes even quieter, he sees it in Buck’s eyes. He knows. His world is crumbling around him, reaching the shambled state Eddie’s is, but not quite there, cause he needs to hear the words, all of them, and he needs to hear them from Eddie.

“And Buck...I...I swear to you, I tried, I tried, it just didn’t, I just…,” the words stop coming out, they won’t come out, cause he sees the world breaking apart in Buck’s eyes, and Eddie’s the one breaking it. The one Buck credits for building his life up is the very one tearing it down, and as Eddie undoes it piece by piece, he undoes his own further.

“Buck, I’m so...he just...he vanished,” Eddie sobs.

Buck’s eyes haven’t move anywhere but the ground or his face, but suddenly they seem trained over his shoulder before his eyes narrow and Eddie thinks he may be starting to hate him, just like he deserves, and then Buck mouths, “Christopher,” and is suddenly pushing past him.

He turns slowly and watches as Buck shouts out Christopher’s name and then he hears it, the greatest sound, Christopher’s voice shouting, “Dad!”

He watches as Buck races towards a woman and takes the boy from her arms, their boy, their Christopher who is lifted into Buck’s arms and clings to him.

“You’re his father, Eddie?” The woman asks.

“No, I’m his father, Buck,” Buck answers kisses Christopher’s wet curls.

“He was looking for, Eddie,” she says as Eddie watches Buck further clutch Christopher to his chest. 

It’s then that Chim rushes over to him and grabs his shoulders, “Oh my God, Eddie, are you, okay man? What happened to you?”

He lets out uneasy puffs of breath, unable to look away from Christopher and Buck, his world is safe, together, and whole again.

The rest of Buck’s team surrounds him and he barely takes notice as Bobby asks, “Are you two okay?” He looks back at Buck and Christopher, who now stare on at Eddie.

Buck seems to make a move towards him, his mouth forming his name just as Eddie answers Bobby, “Yeah, we’re great,” just before he falls forward their arms catching him just before everything goes dark.


	17. Grab My Waist Don't Waste Any Part

Eddie’s world turns from black to bright white slowly, his eyes slit open, slow, and reluctant. Nothing is in his line of vision, but a white wall. He feels a weight against his back, warm and comforting, and he’d know it anywhere. Know that it’s Buck pressed against him.

He feels his arm wrapped around his waist and he begins to hear gentle whispers nearby between him and Maddie.

“Buck, it’s all going to be okay.”

“How can it be okay Maddie? I go back to work and the universe tries to snatch one of them, but two from me. Maddie, if they hadn’t…”

“Buck that didn’t happen though, they’re both here, they’re both safe,” Maddie says.

“Yeah, and nothing can happen. I can’t lose them, Maddie,” Buck whispers.

“And you won’t, Buck. A natural disaster happened, but they came back to you, they’re okay.”

“Maddie, look at Eddie. Does he look okay? He spent five years away from his home being tortured, only to come home, be told he’s not allowed to talk to me, and then this. He had to fight for his life and Christopher’s and it’s not his fault, not his fault with all the awfulness that he almost lost Christopher. But you heard how scared he was, to tell me, that when he did he’d lose both of us.”

Maddie is silent and says, “Buck, are you...are you blaming yourself or the tsunami?”

“I should have never agreed to it. To not talk. We...we shouldn’t have. If we...he would have known where I was, and I would have know where he was, and I would have gone looking for him right away, they’d have been safe sooner.”

“They’re safe now, that’s what matters, Buck,” Maddie says.

Buck is silent for a while and Eddie lets himself stir now and Buck’s hand smooths over Eddie’s cheek and says, “Shh...baby I’ve got you.”   
  


“Buck,” he breathes.

“I’m here,” Buck says and he feels Buck press kissing at the corners of his eyes.

“Christopher…”

“Asleep in Maddie’s arms,” Buck finishes and Eddie moves his head to see her on a couch in the room, holding Christopher in her arms, he’s safe and sound, no longer in wet clothes, and wrapped in a blanket.

He nods and then looks into Buck’s eyes and he lets out a sob and Buck is instantly drawing Eddie all the way into his arms, “It’s okay Eddie, shh...it’s okay.”

“I lost him,” he cries.

“You saved him, Eddie. Baby, you did so well. He told me what you did. He told me how you saved him, how you saved everyone. You’re so brave, you’re so good, Eddie,” Buck says littering Eddie’s face with kisses and collecting every tear on his lips.

“He slipped away,” Eddie cries, “I looked away for a second, I’m so sorry.”   
  


“Eddie, it’s not your fault, shh…he’s safe, we’re all safe,” Buck says, before gesturing towards Maddie.

She carries Christopher over and places him against Eddie’s other side so Eddie can clutch him to his chest. He feels Christopher nuzzle into his chest and cling onto him and he can feel him, warm and safe. Buck moves closer too and then he has them both in his arms and he starts to calm down. Becomes still under Buck’s gentle touches, so perfectly measured so he doesn’t hurt.

He feels the physical toll his body has taken. Everything feels stiff and sore, particularly his arms, legs, ribs, and neck.

But Buck seems to know just how to take care of it, rubbing Eddie’s thigh, massaging out the pain in his muscles and joints, and then taking care of his neck. Buck’s touch is magic and healing and the kisses to his face top it off. Make things clear, warm, and safe.

When they’re allowed to leave, having cleared up that Eddie was suffering from blood loss and exhaustion, Eddie sticks to Buck’s side and Christopher is carried by Eddie to car his arms around Eddie’s neck and his head against Eddie’s shoulder. He buckles him in and then gets into the passenger side. Buck immediately reaches for his hand and grips it in his and when Eddie looks up at him he feels calm cause while there are tired lines of exhaustion, there’s relief and love in his face too, it’s soft and tender and just for him. There’s no mistrust or blame or pain, just things that make Eddie feel warm, and like maybe he’s not still drowning.

When they get home it’s daylight by now, but Buck takes him and Christopher to bed, positioning them so that he and Christopher sandwich Eddie in the bed.

Buck presses his cheek against his shoulder and clings to him around his waist, while Christopher rests on his other shoulder his fingers knotted in his shirt.

They’re both safe and in his arms, he repeats that over and over in his head, like he still can’t quite believe it. Christopher falls asleep and stays asleep like the dead and Eddie wishes it were that simple. That sleep came roughly the same time his head hits the pillow.

He knows Buck is still awake though, his breathing is careful and slow, and his fingers don’t stop moving against Eddie’s skin.

“I’m sorry,” Buck whispers eventually.

“Buck…”

“No, I...shouldn’t have listened, we shouldn’t have listened. If...and I had spent the whole week not talking to you...I...It did nothing for us. It just...it reminded me of when I had to not say how I felt, not touch you, cause we were just friends and you had Shannon, or I thought you didn’t want me. It felt like that again, and...I hated that feeling…”

Eddie cups Buck’s face in his hands and kisses it gently and whispers, “That’s why you looked at me the way you did this...or yesterday morning.”

Buck seems to know what he’s talking about and nods gently and says, “It was like when I used to look at you before, and I just wanted to kiss you...but I couldn’t. And that’s what it was like, I wasn’t allowed to when I wanted to, I had to just swallow it, like I did before. I...know it’s a task that we were given, and it’s not real and you don’t want me to do it either, but...the feeling is so similar. It...I used to feel terrible like I was a bad person for wanting you because of Shannon and Christopher, and because you just saw me as a friend and you didn’t want me that way. It felt like I was back there, insecure and pining after someone I never believed I’d have.”

Eddie understands it, he felt it too. The guilt, for wanting Buck during Shannon and after. The attempts to smash it down, to bury it, and yes the feeling as if what he wanted and desperately needed was out of reach. Never to be his. It didn’t help that back then they were very much still kids, full of insecurities, with limited options. He thinks about how he was young being a father at twenty-two, raising his son with CP, his family had always patted him on the back for that.

But Buck, he turned twenty a couple of weeks after Christopher was born, and had fallen right into being a parent, to a child that wasn’t his blood. Buck was a clear example Eddie thought to the idea that blood doesn’t make a family, cause there was never a question that Buck was Christopher’s father too. It was instant, and sometimes Eddie thought that made it more meaningful, that Buck somehow managed to love Christopher just as much, without his blood running through Christopher’s veins. Either way, he was so young then, by all accounts he was still young now. It never showed in how the pair of them cared for Christopher, in that aspect they had always been mature and had somehow managed and taken it in stride. With each other, however, they were very much like insecure lovesick teenagers orbiting each other afraid to say or do something that might mess things up for them. But at the same time they were an old couple who just knew each other to the core, knew what the other needed, and had a shared mind most of the time.

“I know,” he says stroking Buck’s cheek and kissing him slowly, “But you have to know now that I want you every second every day.”

Buck nods lightly and says, “I do.”

“But it just felt,” Eddie begins.

“Like before,” Buck finishes for him.

“Yeah,” Eddie says and Buck nods lightly.

“But I loved you then too, you know? I was a really bad husband, Buck. I came home with a boy I wanted the first time I saw him and had him sleep on my couch when I had a pregnant wife,” Eddie says.

Buck giggles slightly and says, “Yeah. My mistress days.”

“Buck you were too modest and chastely to be a mistress. We didn’t do anything,” Eddie says grinning.

“I was just something nice to look at, yeah I got it,” Buck snickers.

“No,” Eddie says poking Buck gently in the side.

“Or like one of those escorts who people hire just to keep them company, cause they’re sad and lonely,” Buck smirks.

“Slightly more accurate, but still you’re really ruining the austere nature of it, the longing looks and lingering touches, it was very modest, forbidden, and Victorian-esque.”

“Mmm...as opposed to our now Shakespearean tragedy,” Buck hums.

“Well if you put it that way maybe it was better before,” Eddie kids.

“Nah, I like making out with you too much to return to just longing gazes and short displays of physical affection,” Buck says rubbing his face into Eddie’s shoulder.

“Good, because neither can I,” Eddie replies running his fingers up Buck’s shirt and running his fingers across Buck’s stomach.

Buck hums softly at the touch and turns his head to press a kiss into Eddie’s temple before saying, “You okay though?”

“I’m fine. I’ve got you, I’ve got Christopher, I’m fine.”

Buck nods and sighs, “Our life is really one pitfall after the other huh?”

“Yeah.”

“But worth it?” Buck asks carefully.

“Yeah, so worth it. If I have to fight off the universe, there’s no one I’d fight it off for but you two, and no one else worth the trouble.”

Buck smiles and adds, “And no one else I’d rather do it with.”

“Yeah, that too,” Eddie smiles and slides his hand into Buck’s squeezing him against his side.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

They sleep for a short while before Eddie’s forced awake by nightmares of water, or rather by Buck’s hands pulling his body from those nightmares. Buck reacts immediately it seems to his trembles, and the movement of his limbs, and is immediately pulling him from their grasp till the only blue Eddie sees is the blue of his eyes.

“Shh…, I’ve got you,” Buck’s voice comes through whispering till Eddie knows he’s safe, at home in Buck’s arms.

“They used to...water…,” Eddie mutters from a place somewhere in between trapped in his nightmare and awake.

Buck seems to understand, cause Buck always does when it comes to him.

And Buck knows what to do in that situation, he doesn’t swerve away from it completely, instead, he takes the idea and twists it into something light and beautiful.

“Remember the first time we took Christopher swimming?” Buck asks turning unsafe waters into safe ones.

“Yeah, he was so happy and took to it right away. He was kicking his legs so fast in that little tube things trying to swim from you to me,” Eddie whispers, as Buck’s fingers move through his hair.

“He was. He just kept laughing and laughing. He thought it was so funny when we’d go underneath the water and pop back up again,” Buck says rubbing his hand over Eddie’s back when Eddie turns to rest his body on top of Buck’s, chest to chest.

“And when he figured out that his limbs made the water move, and that he could splash us,” Eddie says smiling, till the nightmare is nothing but a blip in the back of his mind.

Buck presses a kiss to his cheek and Eddie smiles and whispers, “Also you were shirtless, which was nice.”

Buck buries his face into Eddie’s hair to muffle his laughter and then sighs, “As were you. If Christopher wasn’t so damn adorable, I wouldn’t be able to focus on childcare in the slightest.”

“Good to know you were looking,” Eddie smirks.

“I was always looking, Eddie. Still am,” Buck says with a small shake of his head.

For some reason the statement makes his chest tighten in a good away. To know that Buck’s always been looking at him, only him, and still is.

“Don’t stop,” Eddie whispers into Buck’s chest.

“Couldn’t if I wanted to.”

Christopher eventually wakes up and buries himself into Eddie’s chest clinging to him tightly and when they do get up, with Buck fixing them lunch, he remains pressed to Eddie’s side. It helps to feel Christopher so close, helps with the guilt he still feels for losing him. Like he failed him all over again.

But when Buck places sandwiches in front of them Christopher doesn’t eat much and Eddie can see the worry on Buck’s face as he watches him.

“Are you okay kid?” Buck asks rubbing Christopher’s arm.

“I’m okay, Dad,” Christopher nods, he gives a small smile, unlike the big ones he normally gives out so easily.

Eddie pulls Christopher into his lap and the boy easily relaxes into his arms, and Eddie combs through his hair a bit and says, “Are you sure buddy? You can talk to us you know, about anything.”

Christopher’s quiet for a moment before looking at Buck and whispering, “I’m sorry I almost lost him, Dad. I’m sorry,” he says his voice wavering as his tears start to fall.

“What? What are you talking about Christopher?” Buck says alarmed.

“I lost dad. I lost him. And we almost lost him again and it would have been my fault that I made you sad again. I looked for him, but I couldn’t find him,” Christopher whimpers.

Eddie realizes that Christopher feels guilt too like he lost Eddie and would have been to blame for it just like Eddie felt losing Christopher. That in doing so they were hurting Buck.

Buck glances at Eddie and then back to Christopher and kneels in front of both of them and says, “Hey, hey, no you didn’t lose him, Christopher. Nobody lost anyone okay. We all got separated, which is awful and scared us all, but we didn’t lose each other okay? We all found our way back to one another, and we’re all okay? It wouldn’t have been anyone's fault either, okay?” Buck says stroking Christopher’s cheek.

Christopher looks up at Buck pitifully and says, “But we just got him back, and if we lost him like before...you’d be sad again, and I wouldn’t have been able to keep him safe.”

Buck sighs and kisses Christopher’s forehead and says, “Baby, you’re right that I would have been sad to have lost either of you. But it wouldn’t be your fault or daddies. I felt much the same when we lost daddy like I should have kept him safe. But maybe we all need to stop blaming ourselves for getting separated, cause it’s not our fault Christopher. These things happen, but it’s not your fault, or mine, or dad’s, okay? You two fought hard, and maybe you got split up for a while, but we’re all here, okay? And we’re all safe and home,” Buck says holding onto Christopher’s hands.

Christopher gives a little nod and Buck sighs and says, “I mean it, Christopher. It would have never been your fault.”

Eddie strokes Christopher’s hair and says, “You found me, Christopher, you found both of us, okay? And your dad’s right, we are all home safe and together.”

Christopher buries his face into Eddie’s shoulder and hugs him tightly around his neck staying there for a while as Eddie rubs his back comforting him. And Buck doesn’t move from where he’s kneeling on the floor, instead opting to just sit on the floor and rest his head against Eddie’s knee.

They settle on an easy day which involves snuggling up together on the couch and watching a movie, something lighthearted and funny, and eventually by dinner time Christopher seems to feel better. He eats the entirety of what Buck makes for them and allows himself to move more than a couple of feet from Eddie and Buck afterward, going to the coffee table to draw while Eddie and Buck clean up in the kitchen.

Eddie finished putting away the leftovers when he goes over to where Buck’s washing the dishes at the sink and wraps his arms around his waist.

He feels some of the tension in Buck’s body release in his arms and kisses his cheek which seems to get whatever stress that remains out of him as well till Buck’s body is pliable and heavy in his arms.

They linger there for a while before Buck goes back to washing the dishes, with Eddie’s arms still around him, and his head resting against Buck’s shoulder.

He just listens as Buck scrubs the dishes before he says, “I’m thinking of applying to the LAFD.”

Buck’s dishwashing pauses for a moment, as the words seem to move through him before he seems to nod gently, “It’s a good idea, I think you should.”

“You do?”   
  


“Yeah, if it’s what you want to do.”

“I think it is...I want to be like you.”

“Hmm...please Eddie, you’re not like me, you’re you. LAFD doesn’t need another me, it could use someone like you. And from what I hear, you’re a natural.”

“It’s dangerous.”

“Yeah.”

“You’re not scared about me doing it?”

“It’d hardly be fair of me to say no just because I’m scared of what might happen to you if you do it, wouldn’t it?”

“Yeah, but you could still.”

“Sure, but you’re probably safer doing it than me. You’re a lot more careful on average than I am.”

“Are you saying I’m a wimp?”

“No, I’m saying you’re smart.”

“Hmm...you really think it’s a good idea?”

“Do you?”

“Yeah, I...I do...I wish I’d thought of it before I enlisted.”

“Me too, for me, not for you.”

“But you think I can do it?”

Buck laughs then and says, “Eddie, I think you can do anything.”

“I don’t want to step on your toes though, or cut into something that’s yours.”

“I don’t own the LAFD, Eddie.”

“Buck…”

Buck sighs and turns around drying his hands on his shirt and says, “I don’t mind, Eddie. I think you’d be good at it. You enjoy saving people and you’re good at it. I think you should do whatever you want, you deserve that, and if being firefighter is what you want to be, then I couldn’t be more proud of you. I don’t feel smothered or copied, or anything, so really, you’re good.”

Eddie nods slightly and says, “We probably won’t work together. I’ll probably get a job at another station.”

“Do you want to work with me?” Buck asks.

“I probably won’t be.”

“I’d probably drive you crazy.”

“You already do that.”

“Hmm...we maybe I wouldn’t want you breathing down my neck,” Buck says with a smirk.

“And maybe I wouldn’t want to have to watch over and make sure you don’t do anything stupid.”

“Sure. But you would like to do that, wouldn’t you?”   
  


“Yeah, maybe but I doubt it’ll…”

“Eddie, do you want to work with me? Which is worse, the not knowing what I might be doing or knowing how bad it might be and having to accept it?”

Eddie’s silent for a moment and says, “The not knowing. I’ve spent years in that.”

Buck’s silent too before he nods and says, “Okay, then we’ll work together.”

“You don’t own the LAFD, Buck or did you forget? I don’t think it’s up to you.”

“No, but I do have a close personal relationship with the captain of my station, so I’m pretty sure I can get you in. Besides, Chim and Hen would likely love to have you around to further tease me.”

“I don’t know they seem to think I boost your ego too much.”

“Well you are kind of a trophy husband, having you on my arm proves what I’ve been saying for years, that despite not dating, it was only for the fact that I had the very best.”

Eddie smiles and wraps his arms around Buck again kissing him softly and saying, “You really think the captain would hire me on because of you?”

“No, but I think you’ll do great at the fire academy and you have a silver star, so you’re not exactly wet behind the ears. You’d be a great addition,” Buck says.

“And here I thought it was just your stellar relationships with these people that would be getting me in. So much for you being my key to the city.”

“Yeah, well my relationships weren’t always the best. They weren’t lying, I was kind of a dick at first.”

“Well you did go without sex for five years, with your last lover being me, who let's face it, I’m amazing, so, what do you expect?” Eddie teases.

“Yeah, really must have been all that pent up sexual aggression, that did it. I’m sure that’s what I missed the most and was so cranky about.”

“I’m a God of Sex, what can I say.”

“You’re only good, because I’m good.”

“Sure, hiccup,” Eddie grins followed by, “Ouch, watch it, I’ve got bruises,” after he gets smacked with a wet towel.


	18. Saying Goodbye is Death By a Thousand Cuts / Flashback - Buck

Two years after a man comes to his door and tells Buck, Eddie’s gone, missing, and most likely not coming home, he packs up the house.

For two years he lives in the memories, sees Eddie in every wall, and every fabric. It’s wonderful, and Eddie feels present but far too twisted to be healthy. His ghost lingers and Buck feels buried in it, and like every day he’s supposed to crawl out of the grave he went in alongside Eddie, and be the only father Christopher has.

He needs to do better for them, and then he finds a job as a firefighter. He goes through the academy, and graduates at the top of his class, and immediately applies for the LAFD, and takes him and Christopher out of Texas.

It goes over as well as you might expect it. Eddie’s family screaming at him, telling him that he can’t, that he can’t take their grandson. 

Eddie’s father either just out of anger from the loss of Eddie or perhaps it’s what he’s always thought and never said.

“You’re not Christopher’s father and you have no right to take him!”

“Christopher is our son, he said so himself.”

“Well he certainly didn’t know that he’d die, and you’d be so selfish as to take him away from his grandparents,” Eddie’s father shouts back.

It’s then that he pulls out the papers signed by Eddie, but never shown to Buck until a lawyer came to him shortly after the people from the army did. With them, Eddie had signed not only papers giving custody to Buck in the event of his death or being unable to care for Christopher, but also adoption papers that just needed Buck’s signature, for when he came home.

He signed his own signature on both and had them filed, before taking Christopher with him, to California. With it, he felt some air come back to him and tried to convince himself that wasn’t abandoning Eddie. Eddie was gone, he had to accept that. At least that’s what the therapist said, and she made him repeat it over and over again in the mirror. Eddie was gone, he wasn’t coming back.

Buck didn’t think he’d ever accept it though, but he needed to know it to move on enough to live again. But he didn’t let Eddie disappear entirely, he hung his picture around the house, took the couch with him, and poured himself into the most important piece of Eddie left, Christopher.

When he got a job with the 118, everything seemed to fall into place, a new life with a good job.

It was a good life by most means, but for Buck, it was still one with just the purpose of taking care of Christopher. But Buck also knew that perhaps Christopher was taking care of him as well.

It was two months before Christopher slept in his own bed when Buck was home. And Buck knew that it most likely for his benefit rather than Christopher’s. And it did help, holding Christopher in his arms, the one thing he loved safe in his arms. At the very least it was a half of his heart in his arms, while the other was lost.

The others at the firehouse were kind enough, but Buck put up a wall between himself and them. A deliberate one in some regards. It seemed better that way, nothing to divert his focus from Christopher, and nothing else he could get connected to and lose.

He did his job, he believed himself good at it, and while they invited him out or tried to get him to come out with them he always said no and went straight home to Christopher.

Bobby was always trying to guide him, pull him into the fold, but Buck shrugged off the guidance and just kept on his own path.

About four months in, one of the guys Chim came up to him and said, “Hey Buck, I have this friend, she’s really beautiful, smart, and the private type kind of like you. I was thinking maybe I’d set something up for you two.”

“No,” Buck said, his nose wrinkling immediately in response and Hen watched and said, “I also have a male friend, also very nice, good looking who I could set you up with.”

Buck stares at her blankly as Chim and Hen look at him from across the island in the kitchen.

“Subtle,” Buck says and he sees Hen open her mouth but he just walks off and hears Chim say, “Did you get anything from that? Could you tell?”

“Just because I’m gay doesn’t mean I have superpowers that tell me if someone else is, besides he’s a stone, he’s like an abyss, there’s nothing there,” Hen sighs.

“Remove the by part of that word and I think you’ve got something there,” Chim replies.

Buck doesn’t care what they think, this is a job, and he enjoys it, enjoys the part where he saves people, and the part where he has enough money to give Christopher what he deserves. But he has no interest in making connections. Or rather making connections and then losing them.

Since arriving in California he’s managed to make it just him and Christopher, and Eddie’s Abuela who talks to him but doesn’t get much from him either. However, she always kisses his cheek and tells him he’s doing good and needs more sleep.

It’s Christopher who he talks to most though, he tries to keep it light, treat him like a kid, but Christopher has always been smart and it doesn’t feel like he’s talking to a child most of the time, and talking to Christopher is all he really needs. They take care of each other.

“Buck,” Bobby says one day, pulling him aside.

“Yes, Captain?”

“I worry, you’re not fitting in here. You haven’t seemed to mesh well with the team.”

“Have I not done my job well?” Buck asks.

“You have, but part of the job is being a team, and getting along so you can communicate well.”

“I’m not a very talkative person,” Buck says shortly, though it hasn’t always been the case. He used to be the type of person who could talk to anyone for hours, like when he was a bartender.

“You’ve been here for nearly half a year, and I’m not sure I know anything about you. You never come out to team gatherings, and you don’t talk about anything outside of work…”

“Is that what I need to do then? Come out to a team gathering outside of work? Will that fix things?”   
  


“It’d help, but…”

“Okay, then I’ll go to the karaoke thing this Friday.”

“I’m surprised you even know about that,” Bobby says.

“Captain, I may not participate, but I’m listening. Maybe these people don’t consider me a part of the team, but I do. My job is not just to protect the public, but them as well, I care about all of you. I care that you get home to your families. I come in every day intending to save the lives of the people who call us for help but also making sure that Hen makes it home to Karen and Denny, and that you get home to Athena, May, and Harry. I care that Chim gets home too, I care about everyone here. I wouldn’t need to know your stories to care that you make it home. I know you have one, everyone has something. We don’t know people’s stories when we go to save them, but we do save them. And I hope that’s the case with this team, that they can look out for my life without knowing about it,” Buck says.

“That may be the most you’ve said the entire time you’ve been here, and while it makes me feel confident in you as a team member. I want you to feel like you have people too Buck, that you feel like you can be open here. That you can trust us enough to do that. If you can’t trust us with the details of your life, how can you trust us with your life.”

“I’m as open as I care to be Captain. But, I’ll see you at karaoke night,” Buck says before walking out.

He hates having to surrender any of this time with Christopher away when he goes out with them, but he sits with them at the bar watching Hen and Chim do karaoke together. He cares about people he always has, that’s why he tries so hard to save them. But he can’t get attached is what he tells himself. But he decides he’ll try. Try to be open, to let them in, cause maybe he needs to, to do his job.

When they come down they sit beside Buck, and Hen says, “Buck, I think we’ve gotten off on the wrong foot.”

“You mean the fact that you think I’m an abyss and an ass,” Buck says taking a sip of his drink.

“Jeez Cap’s right, you do listen,” Chim says choking on his beer and Buck smirks a bit.

“You’re not quite wrong though,” Buck says with a shrug and small smile.

They laugh and look ready to say something else when a guy comes up and taps Buck’s shoulder and says, “Hey, can I buy you a drink?”   
  


Buck goes still and says, “No.”   
  


“Oh, are you not…”

“I’m taken.”

And it’s not a lie, Buck is taken, taken and ruined for anyone else. There’s still just Eddie.

When he turns back Chim and Hen are staring at him, and Bobby’s come to stop and stare too.

“So, uh...you have a boyfriend...or girlfriend...or wife...or husband,” Chim says, seeming to list every possible option.

“Boyfriend or husband works,” Buck decides with a shrug.

“Oh...I didn’t know,” Hen says.

“Would love to meet him,” Chim says.

“Yeah, where is he?” Hen asks.

He can tell they're being kind but Buck just rubs his hand against the bar cause it’s kind of cruel. Life is cruel to him, but he’s kind of cruel to Hen and Chim with his phrasing. But it’s complicated, cause Eddie is such an alive presence in Buck’s life still. He has to be. Buck keeps him alive to Christopher in stories, and alive in how Buck lives his life, what he does and doesn’t do. 

But he sighs and says, “Missing...or dead rather.”

“What?” Bobby says.

“Yeah, he...he was in the army, and he never came back, they said they were rushed by an enemy, and he was taken, and that he’s not coming back,” Buck says sipping down the rest of his drink.

“Buck,” Hen says and she’s sad and he shrugs his shoulders as if to shrug off her hand and comfort though she never touches him.

Buck shakes his head a bit and says, “He gave me everything when I had nothing. No one can ever compete with that, I don’t have nothing anymore, cause even dead, he left me with more than I ever had before. He’s gone but, I’ll always have one thing, one good thing, the best thing, and no one can ever give me as much as that. So I’m taken.”

“Is that why you don’t come out with us or talk to us, cause you think we’ll set you up. We’re sorry about that, we won’t do it again” Chim says patting his shoulder.

“No. No, I...have a son. I just...I'd rather be with him.”

“You have a son,” Hen says and maybe he should have spread out these little factoids, cause he’s pretty sure her mouth hasn’t closed from the first one.

“Yeah, Christopher, he’s five, he’s everything. And, I don’t hate you guys, and I’m not trying to be an ass, I just...I have one thing of which I’m concerned with that’s him.”

After that things are easier, they understand. They don’t push him, and that’s good cause he still isn’t sure he wants any of this, their friendship, a relationship with them. But he lets himself become more open, cause maybe he doesn’t need people, but more people loving his son, that can't be bad.

So if you ask him that comes first. Their love of Christopher, cause that’s what he gives them. He gives them Christopher, rather than himself, and he thinks for a long time that any care they have for him, comes from the fact that he’s Christopher’s dad, and they want him to get home to him

And Christopher charms them in an instant, and as much as he may offer his son up as something, but still a barrier, it doesn’t work all too well, cause he opens up more through that. It’s easier to relate to them through the one thing he particularly cares about. Christopher. And so he lets them know a little more.

“He’s beautiful, Buck, you’ve done so well. Is he...yours or Eddie’s? Or did you two adopt?” Hen asks.

“That’s all Eddie, only he could make a child so perfect.”

“But you were there when he was born?” Chim says having seen a photo or two when he allowed them to come over for Christopher’s birthday party.

“Yeah, and a bit before...it’s complicated,” Buck says.

“His mother…” Hen says delicately in a way only she can.

“The birth was difficult. The pregnancy was great, she was healthy, happy...Eddie worked during the day, and I did at night, so I went with her to a lot of the appointments and birthing classes. Nothing was wrong, they said she was doing great and Christopher was healthy. But then during the birth, he just…he got stuck, and when he came out...he wasn’t breathing, and Shannon she was struggling too. So, I went to make sure Christopher was okay. And it was...it was the strangest feeling in the world, I thought maybe it was cause I had been so involved with the pregnancy. Or maybe cause I loved Eddie before that, and was therefore obligated to love anything that came from him. But the moment I saw Christopher it was like...he was mine, and I thought I might die if anything happened to him. I had to watch him and make sure he was okay, and he was so blue at first, but then they got him breathing and when I knew he was okay everything was good, I think I started breathing again too. He was beautiful and perfect and they said I could take him back to Eddie and Shannon. But, I held him first, and I loved him immediately. I carried him back to the room and that’s when I found out Shannon was dead.”

“And you and Eddie…” Chim starts.

Buck shrugs and says, “I always loved him. But we just slowly came together and everything was perfect. Then Christopher got diagnosed with CP, and we both still loved him just the same, things just got more expensive though. We were doing alright still, but for Eddie...he wanted the best for both of us. He thought joining the army would give us more money, more money to care for Christopher and for me to not work so much. I didn’t want him to go, but I understood it. I wanted to do it instead though, but...Christopher, he just...from the time he was born he just latched onto me. He never wanted to be separated from me, so Eddie insisted I stay and he go… and I lost him.”

Hen rubs his back and says, “You’ve done so good Buck. He’s perfect and happy, you’ve done nothing but good for him.”

“He’s lost two parents, I’m all he has.”   
  


“Not anymore,” Bobby says.

Buck looks at them confused, before Bobby says, “You’re family, both of you Buck.”

He’s never had a good family outside of Eddie and Christopher. Maddie, his sister was great but, even she was nowhere to be found. She had talked to him once when they told him about Eddie. But after that, he hasn’t heard from her since.

It takes time for him to entirely accept it, but he finds his place, finds a family there, and he starts to feel at home as much as he can. As much as he can without half his heart.

Bobby teaches him to cook, Athena introduces him to a home health aide named Carla who he likes and Christopher does too and it helps since Eddie’s Abuela is quite old and can only handle so much. And things, just get easier, and California does become home. Maybe not home in the way Eddie made Texas, but it’s home. A home made by him and Christopher, one they’ve built together.

And he continues to live for the other half of his heart, his Christopher. His perfect Christopher.

Then three years later, when everything is settled and he’s finally able to accept that he does indeed have a family, another part of a lost family comes back when Maddie shows up on his doorstep, running from Doug. 

He refuses to let her keep running, refuses to let her go, and promises to keep her safe with him. So Christopher gains an aunt and he gains back a sister and things become even easier with her around. She comes from the before and he trusts her more than anyone else in his life, not including Christopher, and her presence allows him to open up even more.

When she and Chim start, he’s happy for her. He’s single by choice, he’s had his great love for however short, and he can be happy for everyone else around him, who’s loved up and happy.

Things are good, he’s incomplete without Eddie maybe, but Christopher is happy, and sometimes Buck can gain happiness from that and small bits of happiness from other things around him. And that’s all Buck can ask for out of life now. But then just as life takes and gives, taking Maddie, then giving her back, life does it again.

It’s a normal day, he gets up, gets Christopher ready, packs his bag and drives Christopher to school, and himself to work. It’s around lunch or rather some time in between calls when Bobby’s about to serve up lunch he gets a call from Maddie. Her voice sounds weird, and off, and when she begs him to come home he comes running.

His blood goes cold with what it can mean, especially when she says to bring Christopher. He does his best not to speed, but he races home, and when he gets there...he finds out that the other half of his heart has come back to him.


	19. Let's Kiss and Then Take Off Our Clothes

The next three months Eddie starts at the fire academy going through training. When the Monday after the Tsunami comes Buck basically tells the therapist to go to hell, which Maddie scolds him for but Buck doesn’t hear any more about.

And Eddie can’t really argue cause they’re good, and all of their problems seem not to be as a couple but rather individually. They both still have nightmares, but they’re not so bad when they wake up next to one another and easily wrap their arms around each other which makes everything okay again as far as either of them are concerned.

Christopher goes to therapy a few times cause he too has nightmares about the tsunami but Chimney reassures both of them that it’s true for pretty much the entire city.

And Eddie can’t argue with that either cause some of his nightmares have to do with the tsunami and he knows some of Buck’s are too. The tsunami becomes just another monster that takes Eddie and Christopher away from Buck. But Eddie’s arms wrap around him and pull him into reality and that’s all he needs. He can take the nightmares so long as Eddie is there to pull him back.

Carla becomes a big presence in their lives again cause Eddie is now at the fire academy and Buck is back at work.

Sometimes Eddie and Buck are coming back home at roughly the same time and that’s always nice. Other times they’re forced to sleep separately which is when the nightmares are the worst. But they have each other’s numbers and most of the time they’re able to answer each other for a short conversation to tell each other they’re okay, and to go back to sleep.

One night Eddie comes home when Buck and Christopher are already deep asleep and he slides off his clothes, takes a shower, and then climbs into bed alongside Buck who’s sleeping on his stomach.

Eddie kisses along his spine and Buck stirs a bit, a small smile coming to his face as he whispers still half asleep, “Eddie.”   
  


“I’m home.”

“Mmm...and you’re wet.”

“Shower.”

“Mmm...kind of stealing my warmth from me,” Buck mutters.

“Yeah, I’m kind of cold,” Eddie grins and kisses along Buck’s neck as Buck turns to open his arms for Eddie to slide into.

Buck moves so that he’s laying on top of Eddie, his lips moving tiredly against Eddie’s shoulder.

“How was school?” Buck asks a smirk coming to his face as he says the word school.

“It was good. How was work?”

“Good.”

“Good.”

It’s an easy pattern with only small variations, sometimes instead of good they’ll say tiring and drag each other closer and fall asleep soon after. Other times it’s not so good and they’ll say so, and then they’ll talk about it for a little which makes falling asleep easier after, Eddie notices.

One night when Eddie’s almost done with the academy and he climbs into bed one night and wakes Buck, cause Buck likes to be woken up by Eddie to know that he’s home safe, Buck gives him some news.

“Bobby says so long as you come out of the academy with good placement he’s ready to give you an interview.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, I had to go through a whole interview too today to get it for you though. He’ll probably put you through the wringer as well. Just so you’re prepared.”

“Wait, why’d he put you through the wringer?” Eddie asks.

“He wants to make sure we can work together. That we won’t get into little arguments cause of what might go on at home, or because we’re protective. I told him I’d be fine, which I think I will be.”

“But maybe not?”

“I told him I’d probably be far more focused with you nearby than far away. I sold it as the better choice.”

“Is it though? Really? To you.”

“It is. I’m sure it’ll be hard sometimes. But it’ll probably be hard for you too, so as long as we’re both going through it, I think we’ll be able to convince ourselves to calm down.”

“I guess.”

“Are you having second thoughts?” Buck asks.

“No, I mean I’m sure we can work together. We’re a great team, we’ve always been a great team.”

Buck smiles a bit and kisses Eddie softly, “Then nothing to worry about right?”

“Right,” Eddie nods happily.

Sure enough, Eddie who's put nearly everything to come out of the Academy on top graduates at the top of his class with Buck hooting and hollering alongside Chris at the little ceremony they have. 

Sure enough, right after Bobby comes up and shakes his head and says he has an interview the next day to which Buck gives him a thumbs up on.

When he arrives at the fire station he’s nervous and holds his resume close. Buck’s cleaning the truck and gives him a small kiss and words of encouragement before he goes up.

“You’ve got this babe. You’re the top of your class, a former army medic with a silver star, who saved people during the tsunami. Just be confident in your abilities, and you’ll be fine. We’ll be a great team, tell him that.”

Eddie nods and straightens his tie on more time and gets an extra peck on the cheek before walking up the stairs.

“Hey, Eddie, take a seat,” Bobby says when he sees him.

Eddie sits down at the table and slides his resume across to Bobby who just sort of smiles, “I know about all your accomplishments Eddie. You’re a great catch for this station. I know station six is dying to have you too, so you have options other than this too. But we’re obviously interested as well. I only have some small concerns…”

“Buck,” Eddie says.

“Yes. Typically we don’t have many couples, and they don’t typically know each other beforehand. I’m not exactly opposed to it…”

“Just concerned,” Eddie says.

“Yes,” Bobby answers.

“Yeah, I get it, but I knew it was a possibility when I signed up that I’d work with Buck or wouldn’t. But, I think it’d be easier for both of us.”   
  


“How so?”

“One of our biggest problems I think has been worrying about what the other is doing when they’re out of our sight or rather far away. We wouldn’t have to worry about that really if we work together.”

“Sure, but sometimes having each other insight can be a problem too if what the other is doing is dangerous which it often is here. Don’t you agree?”

“Sure. But...I have confidence in Buck as a firefighter. I think he’s great. I trust him to make the right decisions. He’s honest with me that he can be reckless sometimes, so I have that in mind as well. I can handle it, I honestly believe that. And I’ll take your word as law. I was in the army, I know how to follow orders.”

“Probably better than your hus...your Buck,” Bobby stumbles.

“Yes, he’s not the most disciplined of individuals. This I know. He can drive you a bit crazy like that. But I have particular experience in that, so I’m no stranger.”

“I’m sure you’re not,” Bobby laughs.

“I can do this. I can work with him. The two of us, we’re a great team, we always have been. Teamwork is all about trust, and you probably won’t find any two people who trust each other more than us.”

Bobby nods and says, “And you believe Buck can handle you going into dangerous situations? You two have been through a lot after all.”

“I’ve asked him directly several times and he says he can, and he’s never lied to me when I’ve asked him a direct question. So I really do believe that he can.”

Bobby nods again and stands, “Then welcome to the team, firefighter Diaz,” Bobby says and offers a hand out to Eddie.

Eddie stands and shakes Bobby’s hand, “Happy to be apart of the team, Captain.”

Bobby smiles and then looks over the edge of the balcony where Chim, Hen, and Buck are all crouched.

“What’d he say?” Bucks harsh whisper carries.

“I don’t hear anything,” Hen says.

“Probably cause Buck’s talking again,” Chimney says.

“Shut up.”   
  


Bobby sighs and shakes his head, “Why don’t you go tell them.”

Eddie laughs softly and nods before striding down the steps and walking up behind the three who are still crouching.

“Hey, guys,” Eddie says grinning a bit.

All three jump with them falling over one another, with Hen narrowly avoiding falling to the ground alongside Chimney and Buck who scramble and kick at each other to get up off the ground.

Buck stands and brushes himself off and says, “So how’d it go?”

“I’m apart of the 118,” Eddie says and smiles.

Buck smiles wide and jumps at him, slamming his mouth against Eddie’s, “I knew you’d get it.”

“God Buck, it’s not even five seconds in and you’re already sexually harassing the new guy,” Chimney says before patting Eddie on the back and saying, “Welcome to the team.”   
  


“Thanks,” Eddie smiles arm still wrapped around Buck’s waist.

“Finally someone other than Cap to keep Buck in line,” Hen says and hugs him.

“Hey,” Buck says.

“Sorry, Buckaroo, it’s true. Half the reason he was hired was probably to supervise you,” Chim comments.

“I’m his elder.”

“No you’re not,” Chimney, Hen, and Eddie say in unison.

“I regret this, now. You’re all going to gang up on me,” Buck pouts.

“You wanted him here Buckaroo, you got him. No, take backs,” Chimney shrugs and nods at Eddie, “Congrats again,” before he walks off.

Hen smiles and says, “We’re happy to have you,” she says before following Chim.

“We should go out after I finish up,” Buck says wrapping his arms around Eddie’s waist, “to celebrate.”

“Just you and me, or Christopher too?” Eddie asks.

Buck thinks on this and grins, “You know, I think just you and me for tonight. Then we can have a breakfast celebration with Christopher tomorrow morning. Maddie can watch Christopher tonight.”

“Sounds great,” Eddie smiles and pecks Buck’s lips just as the alarm goes off and Buck pushes away from him, “Duty calls, but next week you’ll get to come too. I love you, I’ll see you tonight,” Buck shouts as he runs towards the truck.

Eddie smiles as he watches him leave and decides, yeah, working here is for the best. It really is.

Eddie goes home, and eventually, Maddie shows up with Christopher before leaving again quickly after carrying something which Eddie doesn’t pay much mind to cause he’s talking to Christopher.

She shows up a while later again and comes and kisses Christopher’s cheek.

“Hey, Maddie?” Eddie says walking up to her.

“Yes?”

“Uh...so I have this date with Buck tonight…”

“Yes, I am aware,” she says smiling.

“And I’m not sure what to wear. I mean I’d like to take him someplace nice so maybe I should dress up a bit. But, Buck will just be getting off and probably doesn’t have anything like that, so I should probably go casual right?” Eddie asks.

Maddie grins and says, “I might have brought him something a little nicer and dropped it off at the station when I heard you two were going out. I figured you two should have a nice little date night.”

Eddie blushes and says, “Thanks, Maddie.”   
  


“No, problem.”

Eddie goes back to his room and changes clothes about ten times before going back out to Maddie.

“Maddie, I don’t know what to wear. You’ve got to help me.”

“Alright, let me see,” Maddie says getting off the couch.

She decides on a dark gray suit jacket which happens to be the same one he wore on his first date with Buck. He tells her so and she smiles and says, “Well it’ll be a cute call back then.”   
  


He agrees and smiles as she selects a navy blue dress shirt for underneath and says, “Alright there you go.”

“Thanks again, Maddie.”   
  


“You make him happy. I want him to be the happiest.”

Eddie smiles a bit as she leaves, but then he’s stressing over his hair and face. He spends forever fixing his hair and shaving and looking at his eyebrows and he feels like he’s about to go crazy.

Maddie burst in finally and says, “Oh my God, Eddie you look fine. Being late is worse than a small hair out of place.”

Eddie sighs and says, “It’s just… we haven’t been out of a date in sixish years. We didn’t go out that much before with a kid to raise and minimum wage jobs.”

“Eddie, Buck loves you and thinks you hang the moon and the stars. You could show up in a tee-shirt and jeans that haven’t been washed in a week and take him to McDonald's and he’d be happy just to spend time with you. His standards are low, but nevertheless, your concern about dressing and looking as if he has the highest of standards is adorable, and I’m happy my little brother has you. Now hurry up and get going,” Maddie says.

Eddie smiles and says, “I’m glad you’re around Maddie. Buck missed you.”

She smiles and kisses his cheek and says, “Yeah, he missed you too. We’re both here now, and he’s happier for it, which is wonderful.”   
  


Eddie nods in agreement and finally comes out of the room and Christopher smiles and says, “You look like one of the Disney princes.”

“Which one?” Eddie smiles and picks Christopher up kissing his cheek.

“Prince...Charming?” Christopher asks.

“Cinderella’s husband?” Eddie asks.

Christopher nods and says, “But more handsome.”

“Thank you, kiddo,” Eddie says and places Christopher down, “now to go find my Cinderella or your other dad rather.”   
  


Christopher giggles and Eddie walks out the door and drives first to the store where he gets a rose and then to fire station.

He feels a little bad for being late, cause Buck’s standing outside waiting but he figures at least the rose might make up for it.

Buck looks gorgeous, he’s wearing a gray suit jacket and pants with a light blue dress shirt that brings out his eyes.

He hops out of the car quickly and comes around to the other end seeing Buck’s face light up in a wide smile.

“Hey beautiful,” Eddie beams.

“You don’t look so bad yourself,” Buck says, quick to pull him in by his jacket and kiss him deeply.

Eddie holds him around his waist and hands him the rose, “Well we can thank Maddie for that.”

“For me too,” Buck smiles and takes the rose.

The way he smiles makes him look so young like he did their first date and it makes Eddie’s heart beat fast in his chest.

Eddie opens the door for him and Buck climbs in and turns his head to look over at Eddie once he’s in the driver's seat, and says, “I love that jacket.”

“Maddie chose it. But I’m glad she did.”

“Our first date,” Buck whispers.

“Yeah,” Eddie smiles and laces his fingers with Bucks.

“Thanks for the rose,” Buck says, “but I do believe tonight is supposed to be about celebrating you.”

“We haven’t had a date night in years and years. My idea of a celebration for me is one that is about the two of being together,” Eddie replies.

Buck’s smile grows deeper and he leans over and kisses Eddie softly, “I love you.”

“Love you too,” Eddie sighs happily before starting the car and saying, “Alright. I don’t know this town like you, so how about you pick a place.”

“Don’t worry, I called ahead and got us a table somewhere,” Buck says and types the address into the GPS.

When they arrive at the restaurant Eddie rushes to Buck’s door, which brings a satisfying blush to Buck’s cheeks as Eddie slides his hand into his.

They walk in and Buck gives the host his name before he leads them to their table, where Eddie pulls out Buck’s chair for him.

“You’re really going full force here Eddie. It’s like our first date all over again with you being so determined to be the perfect gentleman. As if you didn’t already have every future date you wanted after the first day I knew you.”   
  


“You deserve the best Buck. I’m not going to let your low standards allow me to be anything less than the best man possible for you.”

Buck grins shyly and says, “You’ve always been the best man possible for me, Eddie.”

Eddie reaches across the table for Buck’s hand and says, “And I’ll continue to be so.”

Buck sighs and says, “Well you were perfect on our first date, so I can hardly complain.”

“So do we count the first date as the one after our kiss at Christopher’s birthday, or my failed attempt at one during Valentine's day.”

Buck sips his water and sort of coughs and says, “That was a date?”

“Well I tried to get you out, but you’d taken that one guys shift for him, so I had to make do.”

“Is that why you were so mean to that one girl?”

“She was flirting with you!”

“Good thing you didn’t spend too much time at the bar when you were allowed to have a crush on me, you’d have been intolerable. Everyone flirted with me.”

Eddie narrows his eyes and says, “Not allowed.”

“Hey, it got us good money. I was always tipped well.”

“For just looking pretty?”

“I may have flirted back, but whenever the end of the night came and they tried to extend it, I happily told them I had a gorgeous man and baby waiting for me at home.”

“Even before we started up?”

“Even before we started up,” Buck smiles and kisses Eddie’s hand.

Eddie smiles just as the waiter comes around and Buck orders them a bottle of good wine before the waiter makes some small talk.

“Are you celebrating an anniversary?” He asks.

“A new job. He just got a job with me as a firefighter, so we’re celebrating that,” Buck says gesturing towards Eddie, a bright smile on his face, that’s just dripping with pride.

“Congrats,” the waiter says to Eddie who smiles back, “How long have you two been together?”

It’s a complicated question of course but Buck goes for the over rather than the under, which Eddie thinks is probably more truthful anyways, and says, “Nine years.”

“That’s a long time, you two are so young too.”

“What can I say? When you know, you know, I knew real young,” Buck smiles and caresses Eddie’s hand.

“Me too. Knew the very first day,” Eddie says smiling at Buck.

“You two are adorable. When you get dessert it’s on the house, don’t you worry,” he says before rushing to fetch their wine.

“You hear that? We’re adorable,” Buck beams.

“Yeah, and we didn’t even get to the part about our very adorable son,” Eddie adds.

Buck laughs and says, “Wonder what we’d get for that.”

Eddie shakes his head a bit and says, “Do I tell you enough how grateful I am to have met you, Mr. Evan Buckley?”

“You do, but I do love to hear it again Mr. Edmundo Diaz,” Buck teases.

“I am absolutely so grateful to have met you,” Eddie says.

“And I you,” Buck says squeezing Eddie’s hand in his.

They order dinner and get their free dessert which they share.

“Thank you again for the dessert,” Eddie says to the waiter.

“No problem. It’s not every day that I see a pair as settled and in love as you two. Most are either those elite couples who have been married for years and hardly have a word to say to each other. Or some poor soul trying so hard to impress his date who hardly looks up from her phone, or is expecting a ring in their champagne.”

Buck laughs and says, “Well I didn’t check the wine, so if so I might have swallowed the ring.”

“You’re not married?” The waiter asks surprised.

“No, but we’ve been together so long, we may as well be, I think,” Buck says to which Eddie nods.

They leave and decide to take a stroll in a nearby park, during which Eddie thinks on the subject of marriage again. Like he told Christopher it wasn’t an option before he went missing, but it is now and Eddie is certain he’ll take advantage of that. He was going to marry Buck, and then no one would stumble like Bobby did today over what to call Buck. He’d be his husband plain and simple.

“You’re thinking pretty hard on something,” Buck comments as they walk.

“Hardly. It’s not something that requires much thought. It’s decided.”

“What is?” Buck asks.

Eddie grins and decides to just make something up and says, “That we’re having sex tonight.”

Buck laughs loudly and bumps his hip against Eddie’s and says, “Is that so? Aren’t I apart of that decision too.”

“Of course you are,” Eddie says.

“And if I don’t want to have sex tonight?”   
  


“Then I suppose it wouldn’t be decided then. But you do want to have sex tonight don’t you?”

“Duh,” Buck says making Eddie laugh this time and haul Buck closer and kiss his cheek.

They make it home late enough that Christopher is already in bad and Maddie pats them on the back and sends a wink their way as she leaves.

The second she closes the door they’re all over each other. Buck’s hands are on Eddie’s hips guiding him back towards their bedroom and Eddie’s hands are in Buck’s blond curls.

Buck handles him to the bed, shutting the door behind them as they go. Buck falls on top of Eddie immediately shoving off his suit jacket, his lips never leaving his.

Eddie chuckles softly against Buck’s lips and Buck whispers, “What?”

“Just...this is a little different than our first date. You were a little more modest and coy then.”

“I hardly think we require any of that anymore,” Buck says undoing the buttons of his shirt.

“Hardly think it was required then.”   
  


Buck hums in a sort of agreement but presses his hips down against Eddie’s ending any further discussion on the matter cause all Eddie can do is moan.

Buck slides his hands up Eddie’s forearm, up and over his shoulder until it brushes the hair at the back of Eddie’s neck. He cradles Eddie’s head applying a slight pressure that just says more, closer, more, more.

Eddie responds immediately, pressing up against Buck, fumbling his hands to touch somewhere, anywhere on Buck. He falls in sync with Buck, hands molding against him. He moans into Buck’s mouth because somehow Buck's other hand has found its way to the small of his back and is pressing down until he can feel Buck hard against him. Eddie jerks his hips up against Buck’s earning a small groan from him.

Eddie manages to drop his hands to Buck’s waist and slips his fingers up his shirt. Buck’'s breath hitches when Eddie finds a nipple, rubbing his thumb back and forth over it. He jerks his hips up against Eddie’s and groans. 

Buck looms over Eddie's body, arms bracketing Eddie's head and a thigh slipped between his own. Eddie lets out a shuddering breath, staring up at Buck, straight into those blue eyes that fascinate him, feels them pierce through his own eyes. Buck bends and places his mouth on Eddie's, teeth scraping lightly over Eddie's lower lip before pulling back to look at him again.

"I am never getting over you," Buck confesses, his tone almost dull in confidence, like he was reciting a fact from an encyclopedia. "So you can’t ever leave again."

Eddie can't breathe, can't speak, can't even blink his eyes, but none of that matters because Buck is here with him and maybe they're still really young and still slightly stupid, but they're in this together like they’re in everything together.

Eddie grins and grips Buck's wrist beside his head. He tugs until he can bring Buck's hand to his mouth, pressing a kiss to his knuckles. "I won't if you won't."

Buck smirks, that seductive lift of one corner of his mouth, the slight narrowing of his eyes. "Deal," Buck affirms before tapping his fingers against Eddie's lips. Eddie raises an eyebrow but Buck supplies, “Open.”

Eddie obediently opens his lips, sucking Buck’s index and middle finger into his mouth, swirling his tongue around and between them, applying a rhythmic suction that makes Buck’s nostrils flare and pupils dilated. Eddie sucks harder, drawing them in further until he feels them slide against the back of his throat. Buck groans and drags them out, saliva wet on the back of his hand and Eddie’s chin. Buck flattens against Eddie, replacing his fingers with his tongue inside Eddie’s mouth. Eddie moans, pushing up into Buck’s frame when Buck’s fingers brush under his shirt and across his nipples, squeezing with a slight pressure. He’s hard and desperate for friction and skin on skin and Buck inside of him.

“Buck,” he breathes out, his hands undoing Buck’s shirt until it bunches at Buck’s shoulders. Eddie makes a distressed noise in the back of his throat, shoving Buck away to get the shirt off. 

Buck makes a pouting noise and dives back onto Eddie’s mouth, crushing together with more force than before. Buck’s hips jerk against his and their erections brush together through their pants with delicious friction. Eddie scrapes his nails down Buck’s back, spreading his legs and hitching his right thigh over Buck’s left hip.

“Fuck,” Buck swears, bending his head into the crook of Eddie’s shoulder and neck. “Fuck, fuck, fuck,” he repeats in rapid succession. Buck finally pulls away and their hands begin tugging the rest of their clothes off in quick, jerky motions, before Buck wraps his fingers around Eddie’s cock, stroking up and down briefly.

Eddie keens low in his throat, hips thrusting up into Buck’s hand. “Lube,” he manages to say before he decides to do the sex thing later and just come in Buck’s hand. But he wants Buck, wants to feel Buck inside, feel Buck stretch and throb and come because he’s fucking Eddie and he can’t think properly.

Buck seems to agree because he’s flopped over the bed to yank open his nightstand drawer, throwing things around and out of it to find the lube.

“Ah-ha!” Buck exclaims holding the lube up in his hand and grinning triumphantly over his shoulder at Eddie. He throws the small bottle over to Eddie. 

Eddie picks the bottle up, twirling it between his fingers before shrugging and popping open the top, spreading a generous amount over his fingers. He rubs his fingers together momentarily before reaching down and inserting one finger in himself, slow and firm. His breath hitches and he takes a moment to get used to the feeling before he inserts another finger and starts to scissor them, stretching himself in a slow burn that's so satisfying and yet still not enough because he needs Buck and Buck's fingers in him and Buck in him and Buck's eyes watching.

He looks over and sees Buck staring at him and Buck's mouth is slack, delicious red and wet and swollen from Eddie, his eyes blown wide and full of awe and arousal and they're so fucking intense and hot and trained solely, directly on Eddie. On Eddie's fingers pressing into himself, on his cock that's hard and dripping pre-come helplessly onto his stomach. Buck's chest heaves and suddenly he flips himself over Eddie, growling against Eddie's ear, hands reaching down to replace Eddie's.

"So hot. You're so fucking..." Buck doesn't finish his sentence but Eddie doesn't seem to be able to care because now Buck's left hand in kneading the skin just below his stomach and the fingers on his right are inside Eddie.

Eddie moans, neck arching against the pillow behind his head, thrusting his hips down against Buck’s fingers. 

"Buck, please, enough."

Buck shakes his head into Eddie's shoulder, lips fused to his skin there, "Never enough."

Eddie wants to laugh but it comes out as a mangled gasp, breathless and shuddering. "Fuck, Buck, get inside me now."

"Oh."

"Yeah, oh." He can feel Buck smile against him and arrange himself over Eddie.

He slowly kissed Eddie and whispered, “I love you and you’re mine.”

“I love you too Evan,” Eddie says already feeling strung out with sex.

Buck hums and leans down and seals his lips against Eddie’s and pushes his hips down and Eddie groans, fingers digging into Buck’s shoulders.

“Evan, fuck,” Eddie whimpers and rolls his hips a bit in need of Buck moving.

Buck pulls back and thrusts his hips forward and all Eddie can see and hear and feel and smell and taste is Buck. And it’s so fucking good, so fucking right, and also really, really hot. Because it’s Buck, lips wet and reddened, hands hot and sweaty brushing over the muscles of his stomach, hair a tousled mess and blue eyes alight with excitement and love.

Eddie has to remember how to swallow when he realizes that yes, Buck looks like a sex god because he bruised those lips and ran his hands through that hair and sucked that hickey into the side of his neck and it's Eddie who's making Buck swear incoherently against his neck, a sinful chorus of ‘fuck, fuck, shit, Ed's, I can't, Ed's, fuck, fuck, fuck.’

It's Eddie who's making Buck's hands tighten on his hips with every upward thrust, with every downward pull, making his breathing labored and hot and wet against his skin.

And it's Buck who's making Eddie forget how to function, forget every thought in his mind until all he knows is the steady hum of Buck's swearing-breathing “baby, baby, so good, oh fuck, so good Ed's.” 

It’s Buck that’s stretching him, filling him, making him feel bolts of pleasure and, “fuck yes, fuck that’s it right there,” all the way down to the soles of his feet. 

It’s Buck who makes him thrust his hips and arch his back off the bed when Buck hits his prostate just so.

“Evan,” he groans, hips thrusting up in no discernable rhythm. “Evan, I’m gonna come.”

Buck wraps his hand around Eddie’s cock and strokes in parallel with his thrusts. “Yeah, me too. Come on, just a little more.”

“Evan, shit,” Eddie reaches his hands up, runs them down Buck’s back, clutching. He comes with a strangled whine in the back of his throat, spurts of come leaking over Buck’s hand and between their stomachs, wet and sticky.

“Fuck, Ed's,” Buck bites his bottom lip and stills against Eddie before collapsing over him, all loose limbs and heavy breathing after he’s come.

Buck gets his breath back first and turns his head to press a kiss against Eddie’s cheek, lazy and uncoordinated and perfect in every way.

Eddie laughs and wraps his arms up and around Buck’s neck, tugging him closer and burying his face into Buck’s chest.

They stay there for a while just heavy breathing and skin touching before they drag each other out of bed and into the shower, where they’re just hands moving over each other’s bodies.

When they get out Buck dries them both off lips moving along Eddie’s neck. Things have changed a little Eddie realizes. He used to be the one on top more often, but now it seems as if Buck is. And Eddie really kind of likes it, likes Buck in control and handling him. He should desire more control with everything he’s gone through, and he does in most areas. But not with Buck, with Buck he feels safe to lose control and let Buck take it.

Buck leads them both back to bed after they’ve changed into sweats, and he pulls Eddie close, and Eddie takes control again cause Buck despite being taller is always except on the most broken of nights for Eddie, the big spoon. It’s comfortable, and right to have Buck in his arms when he falls asleep. That at the very least will never change.


	20. How My Thoughts They Let Me Down ... Then There's You

The night before he starts at the 118 Eddie’s having trouble falling asleep. He watches Buck who sleeps peacefully beside him, his cheek pressed against Eddie’s shoulder. At some point in the night though he hears Buck whisper, “Eddie.”

He turns his eyes down at Buck whose eyes are still shut making him think perhaps Buck has simply whispered his name in sleep.

But a few seconds later Buck whispers again and says, “Eddie I can hear you thinking from here. What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Eddie sighs, “just nervous about tomorrow, I suppose.”

“Why?” Buck asks his eyes now open and looking up Eddie.

“I don’t know. I think it’s mostly just starting a job nerves, rather than any real fear,” Eddie tells him.

Buck nods against him and says, “You don’t have to worry. You know us all, and you graduated at the top of your class at the fire academy. You’ll be great. Plus you’ve faced war which is much worse than anything we do right?”

Eddie frowns at the last bit but whispers, “I guess.”

“So everything should be fine.”

“Aren’t you worried about us working together?”

“No...Why are you?”

“A little. I’m scared of seeing you in dangerous situations.”

“You said it’d be better for you than not knowing where I was!”

“It is. It’s less scary. But it’s still scary. You’re not scared for me?”

“Sure I am. I always am. But I guess I’m way less scared than I was previously.”

“Why?”

“I guess I think that we’ve faced so much on our own and survived, that I think together there’s nothing we couldn’t handle. We’ve survived apart, together we’re unstoppable,” Buck says looking up at Eddie and stroking his cheek.

Eddie smiles a bit and says, “Yeah.”

“Yeah?” Buck grins.

“Yeah,” Eddie nods.

Buck smiles and kisses Eddie gently and whispers, “Come here.”

“Come where? I’m already right next to you,” Eddie laughs.

“Are you? Hmm...still feels like you’re not close enough, but that’s always been true,” Buck whispers before nuzzling his way almost partially underneath Eddie in order to burrow closer.

Eddie smiles and tightens his hold around Buck as he feels him get settled again.

“Sleep with me, Eddie. Actually, sleep. Don’t spend all night thinking of what tomorrow could be. I promise you we’ll be able to handle tomorrow. We’ve handled every other day so far, and this time we’re doing it together,” Buck whispers running his finger delicately over his skin.

And it’s like Eddie’s body just given in, listens to Buck cause what Buck says goes. He falls asleep and he can’t even remember doing it until the alarm starts beeping near their heads.

It’s all too soon regardless and Eddie groans when the noise penetrates his ears and reaches over blindly to smack it off.

He feels Buck stretch out beside him and make a soft groan as he wakes up. His eyes blink open and stare up into Eddie’s and he immediately gives him a tired smile.

“Hey,” he whispers.

“Hey.”

“First day.”

“First day,” Eddie repeats and leans down to kiss Buck gently.

Buck returns his kiss easily his fingers knotting into Eddie’s hair and his tongue licking its way into Eddie’s mouth.

“You’re starting a dangerous game, Mr. Buckley,” Eddie grins against Buck’s lips.

“Mmm...yeah you’re right, wouldn’t want to make you late on your first day,” Buck laughs pulling away from him.

“No, but I think we have time for a quick one,” Eddie hums kissing along Buck’s neck.

“No, Eddie, we shouldn’t. You’re right we don’t need you being late,” Buck starts.

“Don’t worry, we won’t be, it’ll be quick,” Eddie insists.

“It’s never quick,” Buck whines, “I get too caught up in you and…”

“That’s why you’re not doing anything Evan,” Eddie replies kissing down Buck’s chest.

He sees Buck’s eyes widen and hears him start to stutter, “Eddie, no you don’t need to...fuck,” Buck’s voice breaks off the moment Eddie takes him out of his boxers from underneath the sheets.

“Don’t worry babe, one thing that comes from practically being an old married couple is that I know exactly what you like and how to make you cum,” Eddie teases kissing the inside of Buck’s thigh gently.

“We’re still never that quick,” Buck mutters.

“Yeah, cause I’m typically not making an effort for things to go quickly. I much prefer prolonging it as much as I can. But if you doubt me, feel free to time me,” Eddie grins before going down on Buck immediately.

He hears Buck moan out and then feels Buck’s hand reach for him underneath the covers and grip onto his hair as he goes to work on Buck.

Buck squirms and whines and arches his hips off the bed and Eddie lets him do whatever he wants.

In the end, Eddie gets Buck off in a little over four minutes and comes out from underneath the covers with a wide grin as he takes in Buck who’s sweating and breathing heavily like he just ran a marathon.

“Was that quick enough for you?” Eddie asks.

“I think I may have blacked out so I’m not entirely sure,” Buck mutters.

“Well I got you done in under four minutes so you’re really not much better than a teenager in that regard but as I said before, I know just how to get you there,” Eddie laughs.

Buck nods and whispers, “Yeah, you fucking do.”

Eddie smiles and has to pull Buck from the bed and ensure he can stand cause he’s still acting pretty dazed with legs of jello when he pulls Buck out of bed.

But eventually, Buck starts moving and if there’s one thing Buck knows from having been a single parent it’s about making every minute count and having to make up time. And Eddie’s kind of stunned that Buck has somehow managed to get dressed, look wide awake, and have Christopher up in the same time it takes Eddie to just get dressed.

By the time Eddie’s gotten through the rest of the things he needs to do to be ready for the day Buck’s already gotten breakfast ready and looks no worse for wear from what Eddie assumes was a very hurried pace.

Eddie’s also not sure if it’s Buck’s parenting and supervision or just that they have a fantastic kid or some combination of the two, but Christopher’s seated at the table and ready to go as well.

“Are you even human Evan Buckley? Or are you the Flash in disguise, how did you make pancakes in that amount of time?” Eddie asks.

“Hey, you have the ability to be quick in some areas, I have the ability to be so in others,” Buck says with a short wink as he takes his seat at the table.

Eddie smiles and says, “Well I’ve had a lot of practice.”

“So have I. You wake up late enough times and you learn some life hacks on how to make up time,” Buck replies.

There’s no need to make up time today though cause Buck makes sure they get out of the house on time, gets them out of drop off small talk way more politely than Eddie ever could have, and they’re at the fire station a good five minutes early.

“Why didn’t you tell me you could get us here five minutes early? I could have spent five more minutes on you this morning. I could have given you nine minutes instead of four Buck!” Eddie complains.

Buck laughs at this and leans over and kisses him quickly and says, “God, I love you, and I get to have you here all day with me you say? Lucky me.”

Buck practically jumps out of the car and skips them inside like a jumpy little kid and excitement radiates off him as he calls out, “Hi Hen!”

“Oh, I can already tell you’re going to be way too much to handle this early in the morning now that lover boys here,” Hen says taking a slow sip of her coffee before smiling and saying, “Good morning Eddie.”

“Morning Hen,” he says far more calm than Buck who’s practically a bouncing ball of energy beside him.

“We’re happy you’re finally here, maybe you can reign Buck in, also it means we no longer have to hear announcements on what day you start working here like he has been all week long,” Hen tells him.

“No, he will not be here to reign me in. He’s here to protect me from being bullied by the rest of you. I finally have someone who’s on my side, right?” Buck asks.

“Always,” Eddie laughs softly and wraps his arm loosely around Buck’s waist.

“So if you two are always on the same page can I just direct everything in Eddie’s direction and take it as your view as well, cause that’d cut conversation length by at least a good third on average,” Chim says joining them.

“Well, maybe I won’t even want to talk to either of you now that he’s here,” Buck counters.

“Promise?” Chimney asks, and Buck gives him a good-humored sneer.

Bobby comes up soon after and says, “You ready to work Diaz?”

“Absolutely,” Eddie replies earning a smile from Bobby.

“Glad to have you here,” Bobby adds.

“Glad to be here,” Eddie nods.

There are some nerves that come in the waiting aspect, the waiting for a call to come, but even still when it does and the alarm goes off Eddie feels a new wave of anxiety run through him.

“Alright, here we go Eddie,” Chimney laughs and pats him on the back.

They all rush to the trucks and Eddie takes the seat across from Buck.

“So,” Chimney starts, “I was just wondering about your silver star...did you save a platoon or something?”

Eddie shakes his head and says, “No. Nothing like that. Just a convoy,” Eddie shrugs.

Buck has a tense look on his face and Eddie sees him flash Chimney a look when he asks, “Is that the only medal you got?”

“Uh, no I got a prisoner of war medal as well. You know,” Eddie says cracking his neck a bit uncomfortably.

“Bet those look pretty cool,” Chimney says.

Eddie kind of hates them and Buck never brings them up either. The silver star Buck had been pretty happy about when he got it. Though a part of that was because he got to come home for a while, and Eddie kind of likes that one better too cause Buck was was there when he got it. Got to pin it on him. The prisoner of war medal his parents sent him in the mail and Buck looked pale when he pulled it out and started muttering something under his breath. Eddie didn’t try and figure it out though cause that involved talking about what seemed to be both of their least favorite subjects. Eddie’s time at war. Buck had never liked discussing it before Eddie went to war, when he came back home, or when he came back after those five years. Buck mentioned his accomplishments in the war and that he had been in it, but those were the bare details of what Buck seemed okay with. And to be honest it was what Eddie was comfortable with as well. He knew Buck would be there if he wanted to share, but he didn’t need to. Didn’t want to. What happened over there happened and he knew Buck already imagined the worst horrors he could fathom and Eddie wasn’t sure anything he could say could make those thoughts better, whether they were better or worse they were still horrible.

Eddie goes to say something but Buck simply says, “Chimney it’s not something we like to talk about.”

Chimney looks to Eddie and Eddie says, “It’s okay, but yeah it’s not really something we do.”

“Okay, so Eddie, is it Eduardo in full?” Chimney asks.

“No, it’s Edmundo” Eddie laughs.

Chimney nods and then asks, “Buck ever call you that when he’s mad at you?”

“Nope, quite the opposite actually,” Eddie grins.

“So he calls you it when he’s happy?” Chimney asks confused as Buck starts to look out the side of the truck to hide the fact that he’s snickering.

“Very happy,” Eddie answers able to deadpan it, and Buck looks like he might just burst any second.

“Very happy. So you’re not very happy right now are you Buck?” Chimney asks.

Buck seems to swallow his laughter just enough to let out a slow breath and says, “Not right now, luckily.”

“Luckily,” Chimney repeats seeming to run it over in his head.

“I’ve never heard you call him Edmundo around us. So you’ve never been very happy in those moments?”

Buck sighs and says, “No, I try to not reach that level of happy around other people. Tends to make them a tad uncomfortable.”

Chimney frowns and then it suddenly seems to just smack him in the face and he shouts, “Oh my God.”

Laughter bursts in the truck and it becomes clear that not only Buck and Eddie have been holding in laughter but Hen and Bobby as well.

“You just kept going Chim,” Hen laughs

“What they said wasn’t indicative of that!” Chimney protests.

“Chim, even I got it on the first question,” Bobby supplies.

“You basically asked Buck if he was horny right now!” Hen says laughing so hard she looks like she might cry.

They pull up to the tire shop that they’ve been called to and Bobby says, “Alright, pull it together.”

They all do and quickly head in with the man who called meeting them outside, “The air nozzle is imbedded in his ass cheek. I shut it off but I was afraid to move him,” the guy tells them.

Bobby walks ahead of them all going over to the guy and asking, “Okay, Hector can you hear me?”

The man nods weakly and Bobby says, “Alright hang in there buddy. Alright, let's get him on his side. Maintain pressure on the wound, on three, one, three,” with Bobby, Eddie, and Buck all lifting him together.

The guy groans in pain and Buck tells them, “It’s a hundred pounds per square inch of air pumped through his entire body.”

Hen examines the man and says, “Breathing shallow, heart's racing. Air has filled stomach, his chest, even behind his eyelids. I’m more concerned with space around his heart and lungs.”

“Okay, Eddie set up the nasal canula, Chimney get him some morphine,” Bobby calls out.

Eddie hurries and gets it started as Chimney says, “It’s like trying to inject a needle into stone.”

“Pressure’s pushing everything out can’t even get air in through the nostril,” Eddie complains.

“Jugular venous distension, tachycardia, hypertension, diminished breath, we’re looking at tension pneumothorax,” Hen says.

“The air pressures collapsing his organs, we need to get in there and drain the fluid. Buck, I need you to get a 14 gauge angiocath. We need to start decompressing the pleural cavity,” Bobby says.

Eddie watches as Buck moves quickly kind of like he did this morning before reaching for the guy's shirt with Eddie, “Want me to help?” Eddie asks.

Buck quickly says, “I’ve got it,” though he seems to blink a second later and an apology hangs in his eyes for a brief second before he goes back to work.

“Hang in there Hector,” Bobby says from above them.

Buck is prepared to go in but Eddie feels the words come past his lips before he can even stop them, “I’d go lower.”

Buck immediately looks up at him and then states, “What? Um...no second intercostal space midclavicular line.”

And Eddie’s not gonna lie he’s kind in awe at Buck cause that’s not the Buck talk that he’s familiar with, it’s medic talk and it kind of stuns him coming from Buck. He thinks about just letting Buck go but all eyes are on him now so he says, “The chest walls thinner at the fifth intercostal at the anterior axillary line. There’s a decreased chance of injuring any vital organs. I’ve treated guys with collapsed lungs in combat.”

Buck’s staring at him both taking him in on top of trying to do what Eddie was just a second ago. Trying to match each other to the person they know at home to someone they’re working within an environment very different from the one they’re used to being in together.

“Do it,” Bobby says.

And Buck stares at him his eyes narrowing for a second before Eddie reaches out and says, “Please.”

Buck hands it over to him and sits back slowly looking somewhat bothered and just as he’s about to get up Eddie asks him, “Can you get his shirt?”

And Eddie swears he gets the look he sometimes does when he makes Buck get up three times for something or when Buck’s tired and grumpy. But in some ways, it’s familiar and comforting.

Buck opens the man's shirt though and holds it open for him watching Eddie carefully as he goes in. The air starts to come out and the man can breathe again and Bobby says, “That’s it, Hector. Breathe nice and slow.”

Eddie’s eyes move up to Buck who is doing something weird with his mouth. Eddie knows that look too though, it’s his mixed emotions look. When his mouth twists because it’s between two emotions. Eddie hates it because it makes it impossible to figure out what those two emotions are.

He feels Bobby and Chimney looking between them and when they finally start to get the guy loaded up everyone starts saying nice save to him.

Bobby comes up and says, “I’m proud of you.”

“Oh it’s nothing, I did that in combat all the time,” Eddie starts.

“That was good, but I’m also talking about you speaking up and voicing your experience even when it was up against your...well Buck’s experience. It showed me you’re able to work with him,” Bobby says.

“Yeah, thanks,” Eddie says shortly. That was his least favorite part of this. Having to speak against Buck.

He walks up to Buck slowly and says, “Buck...I’m sorry I interrupted you.”

Buck shakes his head a bit and says, “Don’t be it was a good call.”

He’s not looking at him though and Eddie can feel his body is a little tense.

Eddie prepares to ask him something else but Buck’s already turned his back to him and is hoping up front this time.

Buck isn’t exactly talking to him easily after that which makes Eddie feel like crap as well as angry cause Buck is being childish.

Even when they go home Buck’s dodging any real conversation and Eddie really thinks he might grab Buck by the ear and force him into it.

And he sort of does though he doesn’t physically touch Buck to get it.

“Alright, enough pouting, fucking talk to me damnit,” Eddie says when they start to head to bed and he’s shut the door behind them.

“About what?” Buck says playing dumb.

“You know what. You’ve been acting like a child since the first call,” Eddie says crossing his arms, “you’re mad that I made the call and you didn’t.”

“I’m not eight Eddie,” Buck shoots back with a glare.

“I know you’re not, cause Christopher is eight and he’s a hell of a lot more mature than you’re acting right now,” Eddie says.

“I don’t give a damn about the call okay. We saved the guy, you did it, I’m proud. I’m your...God damn, I’m your boyfriend Eddie I want you to succeed and you did.”

“But it came at the expense of your success and you’re not used to that so it’s pissing you off,” Eddie retorts.

“Oh do not start me on that path,” Buck hisses.

“And what path is that? Is it not the problem here? What you’re so pissed about?” Eddie asks.

“No, that’s a whole other door,” Buck shoots back.

“No, come on. Open that door, Buck. I undercut you today, so go ahead do it to me, feel like the dominant one with the higher holy ground you’re pretending to stand on right now,” Eddie shouts.

“You really think I fucking care about any of this?”

“And what is this?”

“It’s always been the case, Eddie, why should it piss me off now?” Buck huffs.

“What’s always been the case Buck?”

“You really think this is the first time your success came at the price of mine? Really? As if your success didn’t come at the price of my happiness? As if you didn’t get in the way of my success multiple times. As if what you thought was best didn’t outweigh what I thought was best,” Buck growls.

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“Tell me, Eddie, when have we not done things your way, seriously tell me that the list will be far shorter than mine and I’d really like to hear what it is,” Buck shoots back.

Eddie opens his mouth but then pauses cause nothing is popping up.

“Exactly,” Buck says.

“No. I...you don’t say it, I have to pressure you to actually make a decision,” Eddie fights back.

“Maybe I just know that nothing I can say will make a shred of a difference. You know best. You’ve always know best, and I’ve always been and always will be the dumb indecisive kid you picked up at the gas station who owes any of his success to you and any of his happiness to you, cause it all comes back to you and that day.”

Eddie stares at him and says, “So what, you’re saying you regret stopping and staying?”

The look that passes over Buck’s face is something else and Buck glares at him hard and says, “Fuck you, Eddie. Maybe I’m all wrong, cause you’re a real idiot.”

Eddie goes to say something but Buck simply slams the bathroom door on him and starts the shower and Eddie feels like he’s back in another argument.

The one he had before going to Afghanistan.

And it makes him think about how he didn’t listen to Buck then, didn’t listen no matter what Buck said, he decided on it for both of them. His success over there his silver star, being a medic, all of that came at the price of Buck’s happiness. And he idly thinks maybe he's coming back and keeping Buck away from his job did too. And him having to raise Christopher alone even before he went missing limited Buck as well. So maybe Buck’s right and he hates himself for that. For making that decision for them, and he hates that he can’t place the things Buck’s asked him for that he actually gave him. The only thing he can remember Buck asking him to do was to stay, and he didn’t. Buck’s given him everything he had to give which was just himself since that day when he saw him at the gas station. And he hates that he starts to wonder if maybe all of it, everything even Buck loving him all comes back to needing to repay Eddie for giving him something when he had nothing

He doesn’t realize it until he hears Buck’s voice say his name that he’s curled up against the bathroom door crying and shaking. He feels Buck’s hand reach his shoulder and then cup his face. He starts to make out Buck’s face in front of his own, blurry behind the tears.

“Eddie,” Buck says again, “Eddie, I’m sorry. Come back to me, Eddie.”

“I’m sorry,” Eddie sobs into Buck’s hands, “I didn’t stay. I didn’t listen. I’m sorry.”

“Eddie, I didn’t mean it, I was. I was angry, I…”

“You have every right. I decide everything for us, even...even staying here now I decided because you gave that decision to me. I never ask, I just do and expect you to follow blindly, and the one time you pulled in the other direction I still kept going until you followed again,” Eddie cries.

“It’s...it’s I gave you that. It was...I’ve always done that Eddie, that’s not your fault. If I don’t like something I should be able to say it,” Buck sighs and strokes his cheek.

“Not when I’ve told you no on the one thing you asked of me,” Eddie sobs.

“Eddie stop. I was wrong. Really I was just...stop and listen to me. I was cruel to say that. It’s not even what I’m angry about and it’s an ugly thought I’ve had but it’s not true. You don’t not listen to me, yeah you didn’t that one time and obviously, you were dumb for not but whatever, it happened it’s done. But that’s not what I was angry about, it was just me being defensive and throwing something in your face to get you off me, which was wrong, please listen,” Buck whispers and kisses his face.

“You said I’m an idiot,” Eddie cries.

And Buck sighs and says, “You’re not an idiot. What you said was idiotic for sure cause you shouldn’t think for a single second no matter what argument we have that I regret staying after we met at the gas station. I mean I owe everything I love to you, Eddie. If I hadn’t stayed I wouldn’t have Christopher. Even if you think so low of yourself you have to at least know that I love him so much that I could never regret staying.”

It does make sense cause that much he knows. Buck could never regret it cause Buck loves Christopher more than anything, that’s a truth in his mind that cannot move.

“But Eddie, I don’t regret staying for a single second, Christopher or no Christopher. You have to know why I stayed. You have to know even though Christopher is something great that I have that I got by staying, you have to know he’s not why I stayed. I stayed for you, Eddie. You were the only thought in my mind as to why I stayed,” Buck whispers and kisses him softly.

Eddie shakes his head and says, “Is it all repayment?”   
  


“What?”

“Us. Does it all come back to that? Do you feel like you have to love me because I gave you something when you didn’t have anything? And all you had to give was yourself, so you love me cause it’s how you pay me back for it?” Eddie asks stuttering.

He feels Buck stare at him and then hears Buck’s voice break as he says his name. “Eddie, is that really what you think? That I love you cause I have to or because I feel like I owe you? It’s not and I...I don’t think enough of myself to think my loving you would be a worthy repayment by any means. I loved you before I knew you loved me too before I knew you wanted me. I waited for the day when it would become a problem, I saw it as something bad, not as something good that you would want from me. My loving you is something that is, it’s existed from the start, it’s not something born from owing you, it’s born out of you being you and continuing to be you every single day,” Buck sighs his fingers moving through Eddie’s hair.

“You just. You give everything Buck. You never ask,” Eddie whimpers.

“You want to know why I never ask Eddie?” Buck says.

Eddie looks at him and Buck smiles softly and it helps it makes him warm as Buck says, “I never ask Eddie because you nearly always just give it to me without asking. You give me what I want, what I need, and I don’t have to ask for it cause you do it.”

Eddie drops his head against Buck’s chest and sobs into it pressing his cheek against Buck’s skin.

“You were right again, I was acting childish. I should have just been proud of you, and I am Eddie really I am,” Buck says combing his fingers through his hair.

“Why are you mad? You are or were or are and you said this wasn’t why so what is it?” Eddie asks clinging to Buck.

“I wasn’t mad at you...I was insecure and it brushed back towards you, cause...I’m Buck and you’re Eddie.”

“What’s that mean?” Eddie asks.

“It means...I’m that dumb kid who had nothing going for him before you and you’re perfect. It means I’m never going to be good enough for you in anyone’s eyes because it takes about five seconds for everyone to realize you’re much better than me. You’re better looking, you’re smarter, you don’t annoy people cause you always say the correct amount of words necessary. You have perfect kids, you succeed at whatever you do. And I’m...I’m never the smartest person in any room. Maybe I have skills better than yours but those are just things. I’ll always be the question mark or why you’re with me, never why I’m with you.”

“Buck…It’s not true.”

“Has anyone asked you why I’d choose you?” 

“No, has anyone…”

“Yes. Directly, indirectly, for humor whatever, it happens constantly.”

“Who...the crew they were just teasing,” Eddie starts.

“But why not ask it the other way if it wasn’t somewhat on their minds? Why would someone as beautiful and as smart as you want me? I can admit I’m good looking but you’re better and even if I am in your league in terms of looks, we’re nowhere near each other on intelligence, you’re smart and I’m dumb.”

“Buck you’re not dumb. You’re not, you’re…”

“And even if they’re joking it’s not the first time I’ve heard it. I heard it all the time,” Buck says starting to cry.

“When? Who?” Eddie asks anger filling him.

“It’s not import…,”   
  


“Buck, who?”

Buck is silent and Eddie stares at him trying to read him. He goes over what Buck said. 

_ ‘It’s not the first time I’ve heard it. I heard it all the time.’ _

It clicks for Eddie as he goes over it, heard it. Buck heard it in the past. He doesn’t hear it. He heard it and he knows why Buck doesn’t want to tell him.

“My parents, my family said this to you.”

Silence.

“Buck.”

Silence.

“When?”

Silence.

“How many times?”

Silence.

“Who exactly?”

Silence.

“Evan.”

Buck looks at him and Eddie strokes down his cheek and says, “There you are. Evan, baby talk to me.”

Buck lays out on the floor and drops his head into his lap hiding his face, and Eddie just strokes his fingers through Buck’s hair for a while.

“Evan, did my family say this to you?”

He feels Buck nod a bit in his lap.

“When?”

Buck doesn’t say anything so Eddie has to go about it another way.

“After I went missing?”

A nod.

He’s about to move on to the who, but he stops and asks, “When I was in Afghanistan before I went missing?”

A nod.

“Before I ever left.”   
  


A nod.

They’ve been saying it to Buck from the start. They always played relatively nice in front of him but some were going after Buck behind his back and Buck didn’t say anything.

He feels his anger growing and asks, “Who?”

Buck doesn’t say anything just whimpers and digs his face deeper into Eddie’s lap up against his stomach.

“My father?” Eddie asks.

He feels Buck tense before nodding.

“My mother?” Eddie asks.

Buck does nothing for a moment before just tilting his head from side to side.

“So kind of?”

Buck nods.

“My sisters?”

Buck shakes his head.

So at least that’s three people in his family who haven’t hurt Buck.

“My aunts and uncles?”

Buck nods but adds, “Not Josefina.”

“Abuela?”

A big head shake.

And God Eddie thinks about how willing Buck was to go back to Texas for him. Back where people had hurled insults at him.

Eddie clutches Buck close and shakes his head, “Buck, you’re none of those things, they’ve said. You’re beautiful. Way too beautiful for me, I think that every single day. God, when you smile, everyone just looks at you and I can’t stop staring. I’ve never been able to stop staring. When you came into that gas station, it was like the sun came passing right in front of me and I got struck with a bolt of lightning all at once. You were the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen, and the only thing that topped it for a long time was you. You’d top yourself with a different look to you in some way. Then Christopher was born and yeah he was the most beautiful thing I ever saw, but to be honest most of the time I think he looks more like you than me and I don’t know how it’s possible, but he does. I think it all comes back to that smile, he has your smile, and sometimes I swear he has your eyes instead of Shannon’s and it all might be because he copies your expression to a tee, so they look more like yours. But Buck every time you smile it’s just the best thing in the world, and I get jealous just a little bit every time it’s directed at someone other than me, cause they get to have your smile full blast. And goddamn it, you’re so fucking smart, smarter than I even give you credit for. I mean you gave our son everything and you didn’t have to leave him and fly across the world to do it. You solve problems every day and maybe I solved it today, but you’ve done this for years without me and I know you’ve solved problems. I was dumbfounded when I shouldn’t have been watching you work, cause you saying how many pounds per square inch of air and second intercostal space, the midclavicular line was like watching you speak a foreign language. It stunned me, but you just ... you know things I somehow didn’t think you know, but it’s a part of your job. You’re smarter than people know, a million times smarter, they just underestimate you. I underestimated you, and I shouldn’t have. No one should because you accomplish great things, Buck.”

Buck’s staring up at him and he sees him nuzzle his face into Eddie’s chest and grip onto his shirt tightly.

“I was never mad at you.”

“I know.”   
  


“It was me, I felt bad about myself.”

“I know.”

“You love me?”

“Always.”

“Me too.”

“Promise?”

A nod.

“Do you want me to go to another station?”

“No,” Buck says quickly.

“We can work together?”   
  


“Yeah, I just need to stop feeling the way I do.”

“Buck, you can feel however you want to feel. If you feel that way then feel it, but tell me, please, so I can give you every reason why you shouldn’t feel bad about yourself, cause no offense but you’re really bad at doing that for yourself.”   
  


Buck giggles and lays back against Eddie’s chest idly playing with his fingers, “Yeah, you’re better at that than me too.”   
  


Eddie presses his lips close to Buck’s ear and says, “Want to know one thing you’ll always be better at than me?”

“Hmm…”

“Cooking.”   
  


Buck laughs and sighs, “Yeah. You suck.”

“I really do.”

“Bobby can teach you.”

“Poor Bobby.”  
  
“Truly.”

“Buck, I just...I’m sorry about my parents and my other family. I’m pissed at them,” Eddie huffs.

“You’re their only son, and you’re perfect and amazing, I can get it maybe. I think you’re too good for me too…,”

“You’re wrong.”

“Again.”   
  


“Mostly just about your view of yourself, you’re right most other times.”

“I can accept that.”   
  


“Good.”   
  


“But...still I guess I can see where they’re coming from. I mean...they think highly of you,” Buck starts.

“Oh, there are many times in which that has not been shown to be true.”   
  


“But...I think I can understand it, cause god bless the poor man or woman Christopher brings home, is anyone ever truly going to be good enough?”

Eddie thinks on it and sighs, “I have trouble believing that person exists, but maybe?”

“Then you can be the good cop, cause I can’t rationalize it in my mind. So I’m going to be awful.”

Eddie laughs and says, “Yeah, you’ll be real awful. Probably give them cookies but no milk, just awful.”   
  


“I can be mean Eddie!”

“Only when provoked.”

“They’re dating my son, that’s a provocation.”

“Okay, maybe get the idea of good enough for Christopher out of your mind before you get too latched onto it even though this day is far away. But maybe just strive for being accepting of someone who makes Christopher happy and comes somewhat close to being good enough for him, close being like an attainable level of good enough okay?”

“I suppose I can do that,” Buck grumbles and Eddie smiles and kisses his cheek, “Oh you are going to be the worst if he ever gets dumped,” he says.

“Oh you better have Athena on speed dial,” Buck laughs.

When they get to work the next day and have some downtime and are working up Chimney comes up to them and asks, “Are you two okay? You seemed a little off with each other yesterday.”

“Yeah, everything’s good,” Buck says with a small smile.

“That’s go…,” Chimney starts before Eddie interrupts.

“Actually, I have a problem,” Eddie says.

Buck turns and looks hurt but Eddie shakes his head and turns back to Chimney, “Not with Buck, but rather with some of the jokes you make. We have punching bags right down here. Buck isn’t one of them. And I’m sure you mean the jokes directed at him all in good fun, but it’s not really a two-way street. We make a joke it’s just you getting left out on a simple fact and us being coy. But it’s never about something specific to how he or I view you. I like you, Chim, I do, but Buck is nice and doesn’t really stand up for himself. I’m not like that, and if I have to hear another joke about how he’s not smart or not good enough for me, that’s going to make things really difficult.”

Chimney stares at him and says, “I didn’t even notice. I mean, yeah I guess we do that. I thought we were just kidding around, but if that bothers either of you, yeah it’ll stop.”

“It does,” Eddie says.

“Okay, then it won’t happen again,” Chimney says and looks towards Buck who’s shifting behind Eddie. “I’m sorry about that Buckaroo. I didn’t think.”

“It’s fine Chimney. It’s just...a a lot of past things with different people it strikes a bit of a nerve. And Eddie’s here which is just another person around for me to compare myself against,” Buck says though Eddie can tell he’s uncomfortable.

“I get it. I really am sorry,” Chimney says before looking at Eddie, “We good?”   
  


“We’re good,” Eddie says fist-bumping him.

“And we’re good Buck?” Chimney asks.

“Yeah, we’re good,” Buck smiles.

Chimney nods and walks away and Buck sits down on one of the machines and Eddie walks over and says, “Sorry if that embarrassed you.”

“It did a little, but...I liked it. No one's ever stood up for me...ever,” Buck smiles shyly.

Eddie leans down and kisses the top of Buck’s head and says, “I love you.”   
  


“Love you too,” Buck smiles up at him.

Their next call is to a house and Eddie waits outside while Buck and Bobby go in, when they come out they describe it as, “Adult male, age 65, with a large piece of shrapnel in his right thigh with femoral artery damage with profuse bleeding from a practice grenade.”

“Buck, I want you to travel with him to the hospital keep him stable,” Bobby says.

“Aye, aye, captain,” Buck says and gets into the ambulance alongside Eddie.

Buck’s doing the dressings and Eddie is getting him hooked up to the monitor. He sees Buck staring at the wound and he looks a little different like he’s somewhat bothered.

“You good Buck?” Eddie asks.

“Yeah,” Buck says his voice soft before he sighs, “I guess you’ve seen a lot of shrapnel wounds.”

They don’t talk about it, it’s more comfortable that way, but in some sense, it’s staring them in the face in a way.

“My share,” Eddie sighs.

“Ever seen a guy with a length of rebar stuck through his skull?” Buck asks changing the subject in a way only Buck could.

“Is that Chimney?” Eddie smiles.

“Yeah.”

“Not a very common injury. Battlefield or otherwise I think,” Eddie grins.

“Yeah, not really.”

Eddie notices the dressings need to be changed but he doesn’t want to bug Buck again, but they’re also supposed to communicate.

“Ev, can you change the dressings they look like they’re soaking through,” Eddie finally decides to say.

Buck snorts slightly before going to grab more dressing and says, “Okay, never do that again.”

“What?” Eddie asks.

“Ask in that sugar-sweet way cause you’re afraid I’ll think you’re telling me what to do. We’re new at working together. If you spot something I don’t go ahead and say it,” Buck chuckles.

At that moment Eddie does spot something and pushes both the man back and places his body in front of Buck.

“Hold on. I thought you said this was a practice round,” Eddie says.

“It is,” the man replies.

“Uh...what’s going on?” Buck asks and Eddie hears the anxiety in his voice.

It puts him more on edge as he says, “See that cap. Practice rounds have blue caps, gold caps are live.”

He quickly bangs on the wall between the ambulance driver and them and shouts, “Pull over.”

They park in the hospital parking lot and look at the bomb squads computer and Bobby says, “He’s got a live round embedded in his thigh.”

“Uh, I thought this thing already went off,” Buck says beside Eddie.

“The launch grenade has two components: gunpowder which makes it travel and an explosive charge that makes it go boom,” Eddie explains and he sees Buck attentively watching him, his eyes somewhat clouded with remembering why Eddie knows this.

“Okay, so why didn’t this one go boom?” Buck asks.

“It’s fitted with a proximity fuse. It’s a little smart sensor that tells the cap it’s traveled a safe enough distance from the shooter to explode. From his hand to his leg probably wasn’t far enough,” Eddie tells them.

“Well we can’t bring him inside a hospital full of people, not with that still stuck inside him,” Bobby huffs.

“We called the military for help,” the bomb squad guy informs them.

“The military? Uh, can’t you do it? You’re the bomb squad,” Buck says.

“You can’t diffuse a grenade. We need to find someone who knows how to pull that thing out of him without setting it off. They’re sending someone up from Pendleton. Should be here within the hour,” the man explains.

“He doesn’t have an hour,” Buck says looking back towards the ambulance.

“I can do it,” Eddie says.

Buck looks over him wide-eyed and Eddie nods at him gently more so explaining it to Buck rather than anyone else, “If he doesn’t go to surgery soon, he’ll die.”

“You’ve done this before?” Bobby asks, interrupting the short conversation Buck and he have been having with their eyes.

“Well, none of the guys I served with were dumb enough to shoot a live round in themselves, but I’m familiar with the ordnance,” Eddie says.

“I’m in,” Buck adds suddenly looking over at Bobby.

“Buck,” Eddie hisses.

“Eddie, this is our job. Both of us.”

“Christopher,” Eddie whispers.

“Needs us both, and you think I’m amazing at my job so your chances of getting out are better with my help. Or you were lying want to tell me which one’s true?” Buck asks.

Bobby smirks a bit at that and so that’s how Buck and he both end up in gear for this.

“You get that thing out of him, put it in here,” the bomb squad guy says, handing him a small metal box and a grabber.

“Copy that,” Eddie says walking past Buck towards the ambulance and looking at him gently before adding, “See you inside.”

“All right, listen, Buck, you don’t have to do this,” Bobby says.

“You think I’m gonna let my boyfriend have all the fun?” Buck asks, “Besides, you wanted to see us work as a team, here’s your chance,” Buck says climbing into the ambulance.

“How are you feeling there Charlie?” Eddie asks.

“Like a world-class idiot. My wife, if she was still alive, she’d be here now saying, I told you so. Well, maybe she’ll be able to tell me in person in about a minute,” Charlie says.

“Well, that conversation’s gonna have to wait. Nobody’s leaving this life tonight,” Buck reassures him. 

“What branch did you say you were in, Charlie?” Eddie asks.

“I didn’t. I always wanted to be a Marine. I tried to enlist during Nam but I was 4F, an enlarged heart. So instead, I spent the last 40 years teaching seventh grade.”

“Not all heroes serve on the battlefield. Neither of my biggest heroes ever touched war, the war touched them, but they’re stronger than me,” Eddie says before looking up at Buck who smiles at him gently.

“You ready?” Eddie asks.

Buck stares into his eyes and nods and says, “Yeah.”

Buck lifts the dressing and huffs, “He’s losing a lot of blood.”

“Keep pressure on it,” Eddie says and Buck places his hands on Charlie’s leg and Eddie adds, “Not too much pressure,” worry coursing through him with Buck next to him. But it’s more incentive if anything to not screw this up.

Eddie clamps down on it with the grabber and says, “There it is.”

“All right,” Buck says worriedly, “So pull it out. Come on.”

“I got to be careful. The sensor measures the distance traveled based on how many rotations the shell made after the launch. The key is not to turn the shell while we pull it out.”

“Okay, yeah, so don’t turn it. You got this,” Buck whispers

  
  


“Gonna have to just a bit,” Eddie says, his breath heavy as he pulls out the grenade.

Buck grabs the box and holds it for him as Eddie lowers it inside.

Once it’s inside Buck relaxes and smiles up at Eddie before the thing rolls and Buck quickly shuts it and looks at Eddie again who feels like his soul may have left his body at that moment out of sheer fear.

They take Charlie out of the ambulance leaving the grenade inside and roll Charlie towards the hospital passing him off before Eddie turns towards Buck.

“You know, you’re a badass under pressure,” Eddie says pulling Buck into his chest.

“Me?” Buck blushes and smiles up at him.

“Hell yeah,” Eddie says looking him over, “You can have my back any day.”

“Yeah, well that’s nothing new. I have your back every day and you have mine,” Buck smiles giving him a quick peck on the lips.

Bobby comes up and says, “Nice work, fellas. I’m glad you both made it out of there. You really do make a great team.”

Buck smiles and looks from Eddie to Bobby and says, “My guy’s a professional, Cap. I was never really worried.”

Just then the ambulance explodes and they all duck, and Buck looks back at Eddie who just sort of smiles and says, “You hungry?” Just before Buck gives him a shove.

Later when Buck jumps into a pool, Eddie finds that his first instinct is to simply follow Buck into any sort of danger. Though the bottom of the pool hardly spells danger for either of them. But it’s an instinct to follow Buck, just like he does when the alarms go off, he jumps up behind Buck and follows. And Buck’s right they’ve always had each other's backs and while this may be a new job, that being the case isn’t new in the slightest.


End file.
